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Bachelor Sean takes the plunge

As you know, I recently purchased a Season Pass on iTunes to Season 17 of the Bachelor. I’m that person.  And I’m okay with that! Because it’s worth it to bring you recaps of this, the most fascinating/sad series on TV today: THE BACHELOR.  So, without further ado, here is my recap of episode 1, intermixed with some pithy observations from one of my friends, Malka, who took the time to send me some bullets on the first season on the assumption that I wouldn’t be able to watch it here in ZA. She is a true friend/reality enabler, that one!

Bachelor Sean (BS) is reintroduced to the world after his long absence from our TV screens since having his heartbroken by that harridan, Emily.  Sean is 29. Whoa. Isn’t that like 45 in evangelical Christian years?  Why is he not married? And why is he on a TV show?  Why, Sean? Why??

The gratuitous shirtless shots begin, and there are many. Too many to count.  Malka points out that “Sean does standard opening shots of musculature. But seems they’ve added an infomercial gym machine to the usual treadmill to give more nuanced muscle shots. But bicep curls? Come on.”

Meanwhile, we are given some background on Sean’s “relationship” with Emily.  Re-watching that awk stiff-armed kiss with her makes me think, again, that BS is definitely a virgin.  Which is fine! But I feel like he’s on the wrong series.  May I direct you here, kind sir.

Sean blabs on about his family and how perfect everyone’s marriage is.  He spends some time with his niece in a playhouse that is seriously nicer than my apartment.  Unfair.  Then he talks about his hypothetical wife as “my woman,” which is a bit off-putting.  Also, Sean wants us to know that he’s about to embark on “the most amazing journey ever.” Big talk, Sean. Big talk.

Next, BS cuts up some strawberries and awaits the arrival of his “good friend” Arie. He “doesn’t know the reason for the visit” (shyah, right), but guess what the reason is? So Arie can teach Sean about kissing.  Which is not creepy at all.  Arie’s main advice? “Come in with the hands.” No comment.  Side note: why did I used to think Arie was attractive? I feel like his face is weird now.  Maybe it’s the foul knowledge that he’s with Courtney that has tainted him forever in my mind.  Or maybe he’s just bloated.

Time to introduce the ladies!

Chris Harrison emerges from the lush foliage of the Bachelor manse and tells us that BS is “sincerely ready to find his wife,” despite the fact that he “truly felt that he found his soulmate” in Emily.  So let’s meet these b**ches.

  • Desiree, 26 y/o bridal stylist. She’s waiting for the person that “completes [her]” and wants “fireworks.” Yeesh. Am I right?
  • Tierra, 24, does something in Colorado, wasn’t paying attention.  Her voice is annoying. Also, does she know her name means “land?”  When she’s told the Bachelor is Sean, she freaks the eff out.  She is family-oriented. Also boob oriented, it seems.  But she’s cute, I guess.
  • Robin, 24 sales person from TX. A token black lady. Cute. Does awk shoeless dancing outside of an office building. She’s just the latest to uphold the proud Bachelor legacy of awkward solo dancing (see, e.g. Tenley, Ashley H.)
  • Diana, salon owner from Salt Lake City. Morm, I’m thinking. She says she’s 30 but ABC informs us she is 31. Ouch.  She has not one but TWO children.  Well, Sean DOES want kids, you guys.  She’s just getting a head start.
  • Sarah, 26, ad exec from LA.  She has one arm.  But she can ride a bike, cut a pepper and make an omelette, so she’s fine.
  • Ashley, hair stylist, 28, from Macomb MI.  She has no idea why she’s single! Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, she’s obsessed with Christian Grey from 50 Shades of Grey.
  • Lesley, 25, political consultant, DC.  She says she doesn’t like nerds or politicans. I can understand not liking politicians but nerds? How DARE you, madam.  And also, if those are your criteria, don’t live in DC then, dummy. She refers to herself as a “modern Southern belle.” I hate this woman.
  • Christy, 25, is a “Ford model,” which is “like, the number one modeling agency in the world.”  Her words, not mine.
  • AshLee F., 32, is a professional organizer. She’d be fun to live with!  She has a sad story about going through the foster system as a child.  But then she got adopted by a loving family when she was six and so things aren’t all bad.  BTW, I am sort of rooting for her because she’s 32. I gotta side with the old ladies. Solidarity.

Limo time!!

  • First out is AshLee F., the elderly organizer.  She is pretty and is wearing a very dramatic red dress. They exchange pleasantries but there are no real sparks.  Dammit, I want her to do well. Don’t eff this up, AshLee.
  • Jackie, 25, cosmetics consultant. She’s puts on lipstick and leaves a lip-print on BS’s cheek. Nice touch.
  • Selma, 29, real estate developer. They play vaguely Latin music when she walks out, I guess because she has brown hair and her name is Selma?  She takes out a handkerchief and wipes the lip-print off him. Oh, snap!
  • Lesley H, poker dealer. Shockingly, she is also African-American. This is unprecedented!  She tells Sean he is a “hunk” and says “holy Toledo,” which I kinda like.
  • Daniella 24, is a commercial casting associate, whatever the hell that means. She seems crazy and intense.  She teaches Sean a handshake that ends with a fist-bump. I see what she was trying to do there, but it didn’t end well.
  • Kelly, 28, cruise ship entertainer. Sings Sean painful, awk, country song.
  • Katie, 27, yoga instructor.  Underneath her mildly crazy 80s hair she is cute. I hope Sean can see that. Look past the hair, Sean.
  • Ashley, the bizarre 50 Shades of Grey girl from Michigan, walks out and tells Sean she wants him to teach her how to use a necktie that she pulls from her cleavage and waves suggestively in his face.  It’s horrible. Just horrible.  Sean looks like he wants to die.
  • Taryn, 30, health club manager.  Dimples. Blonde. Interesting braid hairdo. Otherwise unremarkable.
  • Catherine, 26, graphic designer. Sparkly dress! Vaguely Asian – might be too exotic for Sean.  Just sayin’.  From Seattle. She ALSO tells Sean he’s a “hunk.”
  • Robyn, the oilfield manager from TX/awk dancer, comes out and tries to do two backflips or backhandstands or something. She does one and then falls on her face. Poor thing. I’m dying for her. But why did she try that if she didn’t know she could nail it in a long, sparkly dress? I hope for her sake she gets a pity rose.
  • Lacey, 24, graduate student.  She brought Sean a lace heart. Yawn.
  • Paige, 25, is a Jumbotron operator. No, she’s not. Come on, really?  Oh wait — she was on Bachelor Pad 3, apparently.  Also, is she Canadian? She sounds Canadian. I’m confused. Moving on.
  • Tierra, 24, again. They hug and she is really enthusiastic and bubbly. She shows him a tattoo of an open heart on her finger and says it means her heart is open (barf). They stare at each other moonily for a second and then Sean tells her to wait and asks Chris Harrison if he can give her a rose. GAME CHANGER, guys.  THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.  Because normally the lead gets, like, 10 seconds more of conversation with each of these women. To give someone a rose without the benefit of those extra 10 seconds is just RECKLESS. Meanwhile, all the “ladies” flip out and shoot daggers at Tierra with their eyes as soon as she walks in carrying the rose.
  • Amanda, 26, is a “fit model.”  Is that the kind of model that doesn’t have her picture taken?  Like, a non-face model?
  • Keriann, 29, is an “entrepreneur.” She seems nice.
  • Desiree, the bridal stylist, comes out in a red dress. She brought pennies so that they can make a wish in the fountain together. I wonder how many misbegotten, tawdry wishes have gone into that gross Bachelor mansion fountain. Something to think about.
  • Sarah, 26, the one-armed girl comes out but makes no mention of her lack of arm.
  • Brooke, 25, is a community organizer. She’s also black!  What is this, three black ladies now? I am shocked by this!
  • Diana, 31, the salon owner and mother of two from Utah, looks like somebody famous. Miley Cyrus maybe?
  • Lesley, the one I hate, from DC, brings out a football so they can “run a play.”  Then he bends over and she pretends to ogle his butt. Good one, Lesley. NOT.
  • Kristy, 25, the Ford Model from Wisconsin, tries to be all sassy and Sean doesn’t seem to be buying it.  Dial it back, Kristy.
  • Ashley H, fashion model, 25, IS ALSO BLACK. Guess ABC finally got that whole “diversity” message.
  • Lauren, 27, is a journalist.  She says she’s Italian and she gives Sean a message from her dad: “If you break my heart, he’ll break your legs.” Oh, Mafia jokes! Always a crowd-pleaser.
  • CRAZY ASS LADY IN A WEDDING DRESS! Lindsay, 24, is a substitute teacher. Guess she can’t be trusted around the kids full-time. She gives Sean a full-on kiss on the mouth and she seems wasted out of her MIND. Seriously. WASTED.  Sean tells Chris Harrison that she seems “fun.”  I’ll say!

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Chris Harrison emerges to tell BS that there’s one more person who specifically called and wanted to meet him. The limo opens and it’s Kacie B.  Remember her, from Ben’s season? And Bachelor Pad? Man, she’s really become a Bachelor franchise bottom-feeder. Life choices, Kacie B. Life choices.  Also, she looks like a skeleton. Wasn’t she anorexic at some point? Ugh, Kacie B., you’re killing me here.

The other girls think it’s “unfair” that Kacie B. gets to be on the show. Of couuurse they do. Desiree: “She had her chance with Ben.” Right, because all of these men are interchangeable, and if you don’t marry one, you’re disqualified from all others. So go home, Kacie B., you’re done!  Kacie B., meanwhile, says if she doesn’t get a rose, she’ll be “shocked.” Apparently Sean and Kacie hung out before and Sean says he “viewed her as a friend.” Eek.

Desiree tells Sean that she wants to design wedding dresses. Midway through their convo, Sean gives her a rose.  Wow, he’s on fire tonight.  Then he gives ANOTHER rose to professional organizer AshLee.  Needless to say, ladies do not react well to this.  Then, complicating matters, the three women who have roses argue over whether Tierra’s rose was a “first impression rose” or just “the first rose.”  These are key distinctions.  Selma, Robin, and Jackie then get roses. And also Lesley (not awful DC Lesley, but black Lesley).

OMG, wedding dress girl (WDG) finally gets to talk to Sean one-on-one! I can’t wait! She’s slurring her words and stumbling and flipping her hair back and forth. I want her to win. She and Sean slow dance to no music and she asks him to sing to her.  He declines.  Then she asks him to give her a kiss and he asks if he can give her a kiss on the cheek.  This is terrible and I LOVE it.  WDG has second thoughts about showing up wasted in a wedding dress and wishes she could have a do-over.

Ashley (50 Shades of Grey nutbag) starts sexy-dancing in her long dress and the other girls gossip about her.  Which is fair.   Then she goes to talk to Sean and I am gritting my teeth in anticipation of how terrible it’s going to be.  She pulls the tie out of her cleavage again and Sean says he brought a “rape whistle in case I’m in trouble.” Sean’s had some zingers this episode, huh!  She falls coming back into the mansion. Oh boy.

Taryn starts crying because she hasn’t had any one-on-one time with BS.  Oh, jeez, Taryn.  You’re THIRTY YEARS OLD.  Show some dignity in your old age!  She says she doesn’t want to “fight over a guy.”  So, logically, she came on a show that requires her to compete for the affections of one man along with 20-some other women.

Sarah, the one with one arm, seems sweet.  She goes and talks to Sean and seems charmingly nervous.  She addresses the arm issue, which is good, because Sean gives her a rose.  Aw.  Malka: “Just because i’m going to hell anyway I’ll just point out the arm she’s missing is the left one, i.e., the engagement finger one. So just spoiler alert if we see any standard shots of the last episode [that she didn’t win.]” Clever!

Gosh, is it already time for the rose ceremony?  How these last 70 minutes have flown by!  Girls who get roses (apart from the ones he already gave roses to): Amanda (fit model), Lesley M. (the bad DC one), Kacie B (pity rose), Christy (“Ford model”), Daniella, Taryn (crying mess), and Lindsay (WEDDING DRESS GIRL). I am thrilled that WDG got a rose. She’s my favorite.

The rejects then take turns going up to hug Sean.  Malka notes that the notable exclusions are: “fan Paige, 50 Shades, cruise entertainer, and Black Emily (as always there’s like a handful of black women and otherwise all white. But anyway this one chick has a southern accent and has makeup that likens her to Emily).”

One of the rejects (the cruise ship entertainer) says, “I want to be in love, but is it worth feeling this way?”  Hi, you don’t have to go on TV and get rejected in front of millions of people to fall in love. That’s not a necessary pre-requisite. But maybe you’ll meet a nice man in the buffet line on the Romanian Princess or whatever your ship is called. Ahoy.

K, that’s it. Looking forward to next week!

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Comments

  1. * Nik says:

    Although I don’t agree 100% on all girls (I like the DC Lesley & the crying Taryn – even though I agree with your statements) who got a rose… this was thoroughly entertaining & I can’t wait for next week’s!

    | Reply Posted 4 years, 5 months ago
    • * eteffi says:

      Thank you! And hey, we’re all entitled to our opinions on these ladies. Let’s see how the season shakes out!

      | Reply Posted 4 years, 5 months ago
  2. * M. Early says:

    Can’t wait for your next post. I couldn’t enjoy this blog more if I actually watched the show!

    | Reply Posted 4 years, 5 months ago


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