Tube Topix

Bachelor Sean Ep. 3

Welcome to Episode 3 of this, the longest and perhaps – PERHAPS – most boring season of The Bachelor yet.  This episode, like all episodes, opens with a shirtless Sean working out in his Bowflex home gym. And you know what? I’m sick of it. Really. Don’t want to see it anymore. We GET it – he has several rows of abs and likes to do treadmill workouts. Nooooted.

Lesley M (DC) gets the first date. Ew. They go to the Hollywood Guinness Hall of Records or something and gawk at life size models of short people and fat people. Turns out Sean’s dad set a world record for driving the contiguous 48 states in 97 hours, which is certifiably crazy, if you stop and think about it.  BS and Lesley’s date revolves around trying to set the record for the longest onscreen kiss.  The record to beat is a measly three minutes, fifteen seconds. They start to kiss and watching it makes me feel uncomfortable and squicked out, and not just because I don’t like Lesley, but because I’m starting to think I don’t actually like this show.  Wait, no, that can’t be right.  It must just be Lesley.  Anyway, the whole thing is foul.  Representative quote from BS: “Lesley is a great kisser. She’s working her hands.”  Also, Sean is OFFICIALLY not moving his mouth during this kiss.  I think the Guiness guy even made a note of that in the record book.  When it’s over and they break the record, BS says it was “hot,” “passionate,” and that he “loved it.” Methinks he doth protest too much.


At dinner, Lesley says that she was a “nerd” in high school. Aha, so she’s a self-loathing nerd! This explains a lot.  Then, following in the proud tradition of every Bachelor contestant on this season, Lesley talks about how her parents have a perfect marriage and are so in love and blah blah blah. Then she kisses BS and says afterwards, “How was that for taking control?” Why does she always have to follow every kiss with BS with a comment where she essentially narrates what she just did? (“I just kissed you.”) BS gives her a rose anyway. Before he gives it to her, she says “Ah yes, the elephant in the room.” She is the worst, right? Why does BS like her? He says she’s “so sexy, so smart, so funny.” Funny? … Her?

It’s time for the group date, in which the “ladies” are broken into two teams to play volleyball. They’re told that the winning team will get to hang out with BS while the other team will be sent home in tears.  Daniella says that this is “literally [her] worst nightmare.” Taryn says it’s “the most important game of [her] life,” because her “heart” is riding on it.  Hopefully the producers brought along ceremonial swords so that Taryn can commit hari kari in the event that she loses this most important of beach volleyball games.

Both teams suck at volleyball, but one sucks marginally less, and wins. Kristy, the model, cries because she “just wanted time with” BS.  Daniella says that “tonight could have been amazing,” because she wanted to show Sean her “romantic, serious side.” They go back to the house and Kristy continues to cry.  Then Leslie H. starts crying. Seriously?

Meanwhile, on the group date, Lindsay (Wedding Dress Girl!) gets some alone time with BS.  I’ve noticed that the less drunk Lindsay gets, the less I like her.  She tells BS that he’s “everything [she’s] looking for” and that she wants to be able to give him a look and have him know what she’s thinking.  So she wants him to be a psychic detective, basically.

Desiree irritates me, I’ve decided. She scrunches her face up too much and talks in an affected, babyish way and you all know how I feel about baby talk in grown women. She also claims she’s “spiritual.” Oh, stop.

Amanda, who is rapidly developing into one of the stock villainesses of this season, tells BS she will bring “such a light, airy, fun atmosphere” to their hypothetical relationship, despite acting like Vampira, Queen of the Vampires to all the other girls in the house. Desiree listens in on this convo and scrunches her face up in anger.  Desiree does NOT like Amanda.  And the feeling is very much mutual, you guys.

Kacie B., meanwhile, tasting blood in the water, decides to tell BS that drama is stirring between Desiree and Amanda, thinking this will give her an advantage with Sean, somehow.  Which is, quite obviously, stupid.  Kacie then gets BS alone and tries to place herself in the middle of the conflict between Desiree and Amanda but it’s unclear how she actually fits into that situation at all.  Here’s a snippet of verbatim dialogue between her and BS:

  • Kacie: I don’t feel like it’s my place, but at the same time, it’s going to come between us if I don’t say something.
  • BS: Mm hmm.
  • Kacie: I’ve been caught between a rock and a hard spot in the house, and um, it’s between two girls, and it’s been between Desiree and Amanda. Desiree has felt that there is something negative in Amanda that she needs to stay away from, but Desiree and I are friends, so it’s put me in the middle, cuz Desiree’s confided in me, but yet, I don’t want there to be – there was just different dynamics betwen the two, and I didn’t understand it at all, and I can’t be myself.

First of all, none of that makes sense.  Seriously, take a second and re-read what Kacie said. Straight up jibber-jabber.  Second of all, why did an experienced Bachelor franchise veteran like Kacie B think this would help bring her closer to Sean? Everyone knows the dudes always hate the tattle-tales in the house and love the crazy, backstabbing a**holes.  Come on, Kacie. Have you learned nothing from your eight previous appearances on The Bachelor?

BS looks perplexed when Kacie B is talking and then, quite reasonably, asks her why she is telling him this.  Kacie, after a long pause, in which we can see the gears turning frantically in her head, says she had to tell him (despite not WANTING to tell him, of course) what was going on because she is “stuck in the middle” and “hurt.” She insists, however, that she’s not a “drama person.” BS is clearly not buying it. He asks, “Why are you involving yourself?”  Kacie does not have a good answer.  In the end, BS tells Kacie to act like Kacie and not like a “crazy person.”  I think I’m falling a little bit in love with Sean right now, you guys.  When it comes time to give out the rose, BS gives it to Lindsay, and Kacie laughs in a really fake, creepy way.  Wow. Lady seems a bit unhinged, am I right?


Next, AshLee, the professional organizer, gets a one-on-one date with BS.  BTW, can we question why she is constantly squinting at the camera like that? She’s doing the face that J-Lo does on the red carpet, which works for J-Lo on the red carpet, but doesn’t work in almost any other imaginable context.

As AshLee is getting ready for her date, Tierra takes a (staged) tumble down the stairs just as BS is walking in.  Convenient.  Tierra fakes a head injury and doesn’t respond to Sean’s questions, which Sean, drawing on his vast medical knowledge, determines means she has a concussion.  Even though I’m pretty sure ignoring someone while dramatically holding one’s head is not a recognized symptom of a concussion,  paramedics respect Sean’s esteemed medical opinion and come to take Tierra away to the hospital. But suddenly, Tierra beings to talk and says, “This is so stupid” and “I want to be left alone.”  I think AshLee is right on the money when she suggests that Tierra knows if she goes to the hospital the medical professionals are going to see that she has a serious case of the Fakes. The paramedics, who I’m sure LOVE being called to the Bachelor manse for no reason every season, advise Tierra, politely, that she’s a turd, and leave.  Sean comes over to talk to Tierra and offer her sympathy for her devastating injury, and she’s all smiles.

Finally, AshLee gets to go on her one-on-one date. BS says he wants to see if AshLee has “some kid in her,” which sounds like he wants to administer a crude pregnancy test. For their date, they go to an amusement park and let two young girls with chronic illnesses come along with them.  At the end of the day, they get treated to a private concert by The Eli Young Band, which BS is contractually obligated to refer to as his “favorite band.”

At dinner, AshLee takes the time to unburden herself and tell BS about her troubled past. AshLee tells BS she was abused by a foster family but then got adopted by a loving family, etc. and next thing you know, BS gets all weepy. Whoa, BS! Man tears!  Shades of Jake Pavelka over here! Except probably genuine.

At the end of the date, BS gives AshLee a rose and she says in an ITM that she’s “falling in love” with him and that she is contemplating spending the rest of her life with him, which may be just a tad premature. Then the Eli Young Band pops up again to play one of their hottest popular hits, which we are all familiar with. BS and AshLee make out while swaying back and forth.

Aaaand time for the final cocktail party, FINALLY.  In summary:

  • BS summons Sarah, the one-armed girl, outside.  She starts crying because she thinks she’s being sent home when a limo drives up… but, surprise, her dog is in the limo!  Um. Does it make me a bad person to suspect that BS is only doing this for Sarah because she has one arm?  Like, don’t other girls have dogs? And stuff? Is this a pity dog limo?
  • Tierra and BS talk and she claims her back hurts.  But she is interrupted by Desiree….
  • Who talks in a baby voice and kisses Sean. But then Tierra comes back and “steals” BS again…
  • Aaaand this keeps happening, and it’s incredibly boring.
  • General freaking out occurs over all the “stealing” of Sean that’s afoot.
  • Kacie B, poor haggard thing, knows she effed up on the group date and wants to make up for it, so she apologizes to BS and says she’s “ready to move forward.”  BS says that they took a couple steps backwards — and just before Kacie B can answer, they are interrupted by AshLee and Selma (who I think has had some serious lip injections, btw). Kacie B shoots daggers with her eyes. Drunk daggers.

Okay, rose ceremony time. Before he hands out the roses, BS asks to speak to Kacie alone.  He tells her that he has “way too much respect” for her to make her stand through another rose ceremony when he thinks they’re “better off as friends.”  Oh, dang. I knew this was gonna happen eventually but Kacie B really hastened her demise with that ill-conceived sh*t disturbing, didn’t she?  In her pensive limo ride, she says she has a great life and wants to find someone who can join her in it, but it’s “just not Sean right now.”  Or ever, Kacie B. Come on.

Back to the rose ceremony. Tierra gets the first rose, because Sean is an idiot. Then: Leslie H., Catherine, Daniella, Robyn, Selma, Sarah, Jackie, Amanda, aaaaand, finally, Desiree. So Kristi and Taryn are going home. Taryn says that she “would have loved to have been married, but that’s not my card.” Oh no, Taryn, you lost the most important volleyball match of your LIFE and now you’ll never get married. Way to doom yourself to a life of spinsterdom by missing that one spike.  Kristy says she wishes she would have fallen in love at the Bachelor manse because it would have been “a fairy tale.” And at this point, I’ve run out of energy to even make a joke there. Just make it yourself.

See you next week.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: