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Bachelor, Episode 4

I am blogging the Bach two days late and several dollars short. I’m totally exhausted and not completely in the mood to blog this mess, but, hey, when am I in the mood to blog The Bach? It’s an exhausting enterprise.

Well, enough beating around the bush, let’s begin… with Sean, shirtless. Actually, they are stepping up the Sean nakedness tonight – now he’s not just shirtless, he’s walking around in boxer-briefs. At this rate, next week he’s only going to be wearing a strategically placed sock.

First date goes to Selma, whose lips annoy me. She brings up how she wants to “have babies” with Sean. Ugh. Selma makes the odd choice of wearing a boob-popping wife beater and yoga pants on her date. Hmm. Then, apropos of nothing, she brings up her weight on her date. (Also, 110? Please. Those boobs alone weigh a quarter of that.)  Selma and BS are picked up for their date in a private jet and Selma is talking in a baby voice and I don’t know how I am going to make it through this date, you guys. 

The date is in a desert and Selma is NOT happy about it. They drive to Joshua Tree National Park, where BS plans on “testing” Selma to see if she can handle being outdoorsy. Let me take a wild stab at this and say that she cannot, in fact, handle this. They walk ten feet into the park and Selma is already whining. Oh, Lord, make it stop. Sean tells Selma they are rock climbing, and Selma barely conceals her intense displeasure at this. Oh, and guess what, guys, she hates the heat AND heights. The rock climbing, to be fair, looks intense, and Selma does a surprisingly good job. She says that Sean “gave her this adrenaline.” During the climbing, she keeps calling Sean “baby.” Barfffff. 

At dinner, Selma’s baby voice goes into overdrive and she seems sort of drunkity-drunk. To wit: she conducts most of the conversation half-lying in Sean’s lap. She asks BS about his last relationship and he tells Selma he had one serious gf out of college and he broke up with her because he didn’t want to marry her. Then Selma talks about her family, who are “Arabic.” Seriously? She calls herself “Arabic?” She also pronounces Iraq “eye-RACK,” so… Selma reveals to the camera that because of her background, she doesn’t want to kiss BS on national TV. But her boobs have no qualms about their national TV debut, apparently. BS tells Selma he wants to kiss her and she whispers that she can’t, and it’s crazily awkward. Like, insane levels of awkward up in hurr. Selma tells BS that her mother is not happy with her decision to come on The Bach, and BS says he understands. In a way, I kinda respect Selma a lot more for holding off on kissing Sean until she’s his “only lady.” I mean, good for you, Selma. You have an annoying sexy baby voice but at least you’re not going to have any regrets when you inevitably get sent home. In any case, BS gives her a rose at the end of the date, so her coyness is paying off already!

Group date! They’re doing roller derby. Long story short, they’re all spazzes and there is lots of falling and sad faces. I do feel bad for Sarah, the one-armed girl, because her balance isn’t good and it’s a lot harder to get up from a fall when you only have one arm. Which begs the question, why would BS send her on this date? God, the Bachelor can be so sadistic. One of the other girls tells Sarah she is a “strong person” and therefore should be able to do everything all the other girls can do, which is a nice sentiment but might not actually be true since she only has ONE ARM. Meanwhile, Amanda pretends to be a roller derby expert and then goes down like a ton of bricks and hits her jaw on the ground. Good one, Amanda. The ABC paramedics (paid actors) show up, as usual, and Amanda is taken to the hospital (sound stage). Given the grievous injury, BS calls off the roller derby and the date turns into a free skate, which is way more fun, let’s be real. 

At the cocktail party, Amanda shows up and I guess her jaw wasn’t broken after all? Nevertheless, she complains to BS about how much it hurts. So I guess the new strategy on this season is to fake injuries to get attention. Hopefully the stakes will get higher and higher until some girl self-immolates in order to secure a hometown date.

The girls are starting to snipe at each other. Tierra and Robyn hate each other and get in a fight about nothing. Then Tierra decides she is going to leave, and stages a very dramatic temper tantrum wherein she says she can’t handle the “drama.” She also says she’s “breaking down inside and holding it all in.” Except by holding it all in, she means letting it all out. Then Tierra intercepts Bs while he’s about to hop into the hot tub with poor, drunk Lindsay. Tierra whines and cries to BS and tells him that being with the other women is “torture.” BS convinces her to stay, because he’s a dummy. Seriously, BS, can I speak for the whole of America (and South Africa) when I ask you to please send this stupid b***h home? Not only does BS convince her to stay, though, he gives her a ROSE. Ugh, he is the dumbest — I can’t believe her tantrum WORKED. 

Now it’s time for Leslie H.’s one-on-one date with Sean. To clarify, this is black, poker dealer, non-DC Leslie. She’s the lucky one this season to get the coveted Pretty Woman date. As BS points out, it’s “every girl’s dream” to pretend to be a prostitute with a wealthy suitor who buys her stuff. They go to Badgley Mischka and Leslie gets to try on dresses. I like Leslie – she seems fun – but BS seems rather underwhelmed by her. They go to Neil Lane and, as we all know, Sean and Neil are already acquainted. Neil gives Leslie a very diamond-y necklace to wear. I’m assuming she doesn’t get to keep the diamond earrings or the necklace, right? Because if she does, I might need to sign up for the Bach next season. Don’t worry, Al – I’ll pull a Selma and tell the Bach I can’t kiss him because I’m Arabic. 

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BS and Leslie go to dinner at a fancy place and BS reveals that she does, in fact, get to keep the earrings. BS says he is hoping that something will “click” at dinner. He asks her if she is normally slow to open up and she says yes. They both seem nervous. BS asks her about her past relationships and she tells him her whole relationship history. Then BS says sometimes people look good on paper but there’s something missing (HINT, Leslie, he means you). BS asks her what lessons she’d take from her parents in raising her own children, and she says her parents divorced when she was five. Awk.

BS says the connection with Leslie “just isn’t there.” Honestly, guys, I think he’s just not attracted to her, which is ridick, because she’s so cute! At the end of the date, BS picks up the rose and tells Leslie that the romantic connection he was hoping for never happened. Uh, is it really necessary for him to hold the rose as he rejects her? As he walks her out, Leslie asks if he really never saw any romance at all between them, and he says no. She then gives him back the necklace, which is uncomfortable, and then, as a parting shot, tells him to watch out for some of the girls because they are “not here for the right reasons,” which, as we all know, is the Cardinal Sin of Bachelor World. 

Since BS sent Leslie home before Ben Taylor (who?) could sing for them, Ben Taylor is forced to sing to an empty room, which is sad for him.

Final cocktail party time. Summary:

  • Tierra says “there needs to be less girls,” which is grammatically incorrect on at least two levels. 
  • Robyn tries out a bad pick-up line on Sean, which is based on her being black, and then they kiss. I don’t see this happening for Robyn, actually. But at least BS kissed a black girl. That has to be the first interracial kiss on The Bachelor, right? A momentous cultural milestone. God bless America.
  • Tierra stalks around with her rose in hand and all the girls glare at her. Then she and Amanda bond over their mutual villainy.
  • Tierra asks Robyn and Jackie to talk to “apologizes” for what happened the other night. Tierra’s version of apologizing includes reminding Robyn that she “attacked” Tierra first and that Robyn was “wrong” to “assume” that Tierra didn’t like her. Um. Worst apology ever? 
  • Tierra gets alone time with BS and all the girls gossip about her and call her “Tierrable,” which I like. Tierra tells BS she “hates drama” and that girls just have a hard time accepting her because she’s so “guarded.” Sean’s assessment is that Tierra is “emotional” and “passionate” and he knows she’s “here for the right reasons.” Sigh.
  • Catherine and Sean make out. 

Rose ceremony! Catherine gets first rose, whoa. Then: Desiree, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie (despite the fact that I’m pretty sure she and Sean have never actually spoken), AaaaAAnnnnd, Daniella. Which means Amanda is going home. Hoo boy. In her pensive limo ride, Amanda looks like a hot mess and cries and doesn’t say anything interesting. 

THE END. 

 

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