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Bachelor Sean, Episode 5

Hoo boy, the preview for today’s episode looks juice-ay. And I can’t wait until tomorrow night for ANOTHER drama-filled evening with BS and his harem of idiots. But let’s take things one step at a time, shall we?

This week, we’re down to ONLY ELEVEN “ladies.” Chris Harrison makes an exciting announcement: the “ladies” will be embarking on a “worldwide journey to find love with Sean, starting in Montana, where the date cards will be waiting, “as will Sean.”

Incongruous Scottish music plays as Sean flies over Montana in a tiny water plane. Sean says he and the women will be “roughing it outdoors.” Right.

Daniella, the poor, deluded thing, says excitedly as she arrives in Whitefish, Montana, “I get to see my boyfriend!” Honestly, when she said that, I was like, ho, sh*t, she has a boyfriend in Montana?? Do the producers know? And then I realized she was talking about Sean. Bless her heart.

Drunk Lindsay gets the one-on-one date and hey, guess what form of transport they take to their date at Glaciar National Park? A HELICOPTER. Which is UNPRECEDENTED. Dramatic music plays as it lifts off and the other women glare at it from the lodge. Desiree, a deep thinker, says that although they are excited for Lindsay, they all want the same guy, so actually, they want her to go home. 

Lindsay says she has “never felt so close to someone before in such a little amount of time” (i.e., approximately ten minutes total conversation time). BS and Lindsay start off the date by pecking each other repeatedly on the lips. Guess those kissing lessons from Arie really haven’t sunk in yet. Unclear what BS and Lindsay did all day, because the camera jumps straight to a dark, romantic lodge where BS and Lindsay are curled on a couch. L talks about her life as an army brat. She didn’t like it, apparently. BS concludes that this means L is seeking “security and a family.” BS tells L she is going to be “such an incredible wife” and gives her the rose. You know, sometimes, when BS talks, it sounds vaguely polygamist. Such AN incredible wife? Of how many wives, Sean?

To end their date, BS and L go to see Sarah Darling (who?) perform. They do that thing where they slow dance awkwardly on a raised platform in the middle of a crowd, who, incidentally, seem completely uninterested in BS and L and actually like they kinda wish they weren’t blocking their view of Sarah Darling. Lindsay concludes that BS is “so classy and good looking on the eyes.” Oh, Drunk Lindsay. I still kinda like you.

Time for the group date. Selma is wearing a crazy-town turban-slash-ear-muffs creation and insists on calling BS, again, her “Prince Charming.” They go to a field where there are some goats and someone asks, “Are those dogs?” SIGH. Chris Harrison explains their date will involve chopping a log and milking a goat and then drinking the goat’s milk, among other things. Poor one-armed Sarah is really getting a raw deal on these physical challenge dates, eh?

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The stakes are high on this date. The losing team is going BACK TO THE LODGE. Not surprisingly, the “ladies” are all terrible at every physical obstacle but are particularly canoeing-challenged. But actually, to be fair, they really do suck at everything. Long story short, the red team (Selma, Desiree, Sarah, Robyn) wins. The blue team is sent home, but then BS makes a radical departure from the Rules of The Bachelor and informs the losers that they will also be allowed to participate in the group date with BS. Red team is PISSED. But they have to pretend not to be pissed, which is hard for them. Daniella predicts that the girls are “literally going to die” when the blue team shows back up at the party. They are LITERALLY going to DIE, you guys. 

Meanwhile, Tierra Palin is angry with this whole situation and decides she needs to “go find Sean.” Oh, brother. She creeps up behind BS as he’s doing an interview and it’s prettttty weird. She puts her hands over his eyes (btw – is that ever cute? or is it always just annoying and creepy?) and when he turns around he acts happy to see her. She asks why she’s getting a two-on-one date and explains to him that she’s very sensitive and feels insulted by the two-on-one date. It’s awkward. But in the end, it seems to work, because BS is dumb.

AshLee tells BS that this is “like a fairy tale” for her and that she “adores” him and that she feels a “soul connection” and he smiles stupidly at her. AshLee says she feels “protected” with BS and she’s – wait for it – falling in love with him. 

While BS is canoodling with Catherine, Daniella has a mini-breakdown because BS may or may not know her name. She gets all weepy with BS and it’s pretty pathetic. Then they make out and the mouth noises are so loud, it’s horrible, and my Asperger’s is kicking in and I’m covering my ears and curling into a ball. When it mercifully ends, Daniella has spit on her face. In the end, things really work out for Daniella and she gets a rose, because we all know how BS loves to reward these people for acting like idiots. 

OMG, time for the Dreaded Two-on-One Date with Tierra Palin and Jackie. Tierra is already referring to BS as her “husband,” which bodes well for how insane this date might get. BS says he wants to know different things about each woman. With Jackie, he wants to know if she can be his “best friend.” With Tierra, he wants to know her felony record and psychiatric history. 

The girls and BS go horseback riding at a ranch. Tierra Palin (TP) says that “Jackie does not know that she is on a date with me and my husband.” Ugh, you guys, is she serious with this right now? TP and BS leave Jackie in the dust because Jackie’s horse is lazy. Then, all three sit down and drink some mid-day wine and BS and Jackie talk privately. Jackie takes this opportunity to warn BS off from TP. She tattles that TP was flirting with a cute guy at the airport. Gasp!!!! 

Later, they go to dinner and sit at a table with three settings. There is a lot of super awkward silence and loud swallowing of wine. Then BS asks to speak to TP alone. She tells him, and this is an actual quote from her mouth: “I get scared because I have the biggest heart, I honestly do.” Um, is that something you can say about yourself? That you have “the biggest heart?” I feel like there might be a law against that.

Then TP opens up about her past, saying she was with a guy for 5 years who was in and out of “rehabs,” plural, and she stuck by his side no matter what because she’s such a saint, and then he died. Whoa. She says this is why she’s “so afraid of getting close to someone.” I call bullshit, you guys.

At the end of the date, BS tells Jackie that their relationship has been “slower to develop,” whereas with Tierra, he has felt “something special” since the first night. He tells TP he appreciates her opening up and gives her the EFFING rose. Oh, Lawd! Grant me strength because this man is so stupid. Jackie cries in her pensive limo ride. Meanwhile, TP cuddles with BS as fireworks go off.

Final cocktail party. Desiree and BS have sort of a tense talk when she says he is “unpredictable” and BS asks, why, just because he kept Tierra? (Duh, BS). And Desiree hems and haws and she says she doesn’t know what he really wants or where she stands.  After this convo, BS says he doesn’t feel good about where he is with Desiree. But I guess he feels great about where things are with Insane-in-the-Membrane Palin.

Speaking of, trouble is brewing among TP and the other ladies. She gets up and storms off dramatically to sit by herself at the fire. Robyn, who, to her credit, has hated TP from the start, is having none of it. She confronts TP and tells her that the rest of the girls are “confused” by her behavior. TP responds that she is not about to “get threa’ened” and that she “doesn’t care” and if she wants to go get engaged, she can go get engaged, because there are “plenty of f***ing guys in the world.” Which is exactly what I said before I met Al. AND I WAS RIGHT.

Side note: Tierra is a Scorpio. Dammit, Tierra. Stop making us look bad.

Coincidentally, BS walks in while TP is bitching about something and BS wonders if it’s because the other girls are “picking on her.” To “get to the bottom of it,” he asks to speak to TP alone. TP tells BS “all of the girls” are “attacking” her and that she doesn’t “deserve to go through this at all.” She says it’s frustrating because she is “such a nice girl and nobody gives [her] credit here.” No one ever accused Tierra of being modest, did they?

BS later asks Lesley what he needs to know about Tierra. Lesley says that TP acts “cold” around the other women. I’m wondering, why aren’t any of these ladies just saying what we’re all thinking, which is that TP is a crazy a**hole who falls down the stairs on purpose and needs to go home to Alaska or wherever she came from? 

Rose ceremony! BS tells the ladies that this week has been “turbulent” for him and that he is “leaving this week with more questions.” Okay, whatever, get on with it, BS. Roses go to Selma, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee, Sarah, and, finally, Desiree. That means Robyn is going home. He tells her “best of luck” (ouch) and puts her in her pensive limo. As she drives off, BS says that he had high hopes but now those hopes aren’t so high, which is a tongue-twister, eh?

That’s all for tonight. Looks like Tierra is going to fake yet another grievous injury next week. They’re really blowing the fake paramedics budget this season, huh? See you tomorrow(ish)!

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