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Bachelor Sean, Episode 6

I know we just did this last night, but we’re doing it AGAIN, y’all – it’s a Bachelor double-header. For some reason! No one knows why! To be honest, I’m not sure if I’m going to make it through this episode alive (two Bachelors in 24 hours has never been attempted before), but I’ve decided that I’m willing to die blogging the Bachelor. This is my legacy.

Catherine gets the first one-on-one date, which involves going to go “play on a glacier.” Um. Worst Date Ever? Also, does BS have a license to drive that snowbus? Does the Canadian government know about this? BS says Catherine “passed the blizzard test.” Which makes me grateful my Canadian husband never gave me a blizzard test. Because I would have failed. 

After the glaciar, C and BS take a horse-drawn carriage (bluh) to an ice castle. Okay, yeah, this is officially the Worst Date Ever. Catherine does a good job pretending the ice castle is awesome, but let’s be real – it’s a giant block of ice with a couch inside of it. BS asks C what he doesn’t know about her and she tells him about how when she was at summer camp, her friend was killed by a falling tree and that this experience taught her that she wanted to get married and have a family. 1 + 2 = 7. Is it just me or do all of the contestants on this show inevitably a) trot out their most depressing story to try to win points with the lead, and b) somehow manage to connect said depressing story to their desire to get married to the lead? Like, what does seeing your friend getting killed by a tree have to do with wanting to marry some dude you meet on TV? This is like one-armed Sarah’s story about not being able to zip-line, and how that taught her she needed to marry a strong man in her life. What bugs me about this is that I’m pretty sure that men do not do this. It’s only the women who try to connect their traumatic/formative experiences to their desire to get married and have babies with a total stranger. Blarg!! 

Anyway, Catherine’s sad tree story earns her a rose and a frigid make out session with BS. No, seriously, it’s frigid: they’re in an ice castle. BS says that Catherine has “melted [his] heart” and I want to slap whatever producer gave him that line.

The group date this week is at Lake Louise and involves – again – canoeing. The “ladies” do not look pleased about this. Awful DC Lesley claims the spot in the canoe with BS, which is smart, but also, I would definitely hate her if I were on this show. I mean, hell, I hate her and I’m not on this show. Poor one-armed Sarah somehow manages to work the paddle with her stump and seriously, ABC? Every single date, this chick has to do something that really requires two arms.

Side note: you know what else I hate about this show? The ridick, old-timey, hackneyed gender roles that have to be reinforced at EVERY TURN. Por ejemplo: when Lesley stops paddling, BS says something about how she should just relax and let him “be a man back here.” Because ONLY MEN CAN PADDLE A CANOE. Ugh, why? This show!!!!

BS and the “ladies” make it to the other side and BS announces that they are going to do the Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge – in other words, they are going to jump into the deep end of a body of freezing water. Okay, I stand corrected, THIS is the Worst Date Ever. No, seriously, this date would kill me. I’d be dead. The end. Selma, who might be smarter than I gave her credit for, decides not to do the plunge. 

AshLee says she is going to do the plunge so she can be “emotionally vulnerable for Sean.” And also physically vulnerable to dying of hypothermia. Daniella says, “Sean better appreciate what I’m doing today.” Prediction: he won’t.

The ladies and BS jump in and scream and then run out again and look like spazzes all the while. I think Selma is regretting her decision not to do the plunge since all the other ladies are shrieking about how happy they are that they did it. Except for Tierra, who “can’t breathe.” She has a very dramatic way of showing she can’t breathe, writhing around and making faces and moaning. I’m sorry. I know this is supposed to be dramatic and scary but this lady is FAKING it.  It reminds me of this.

I mean, come on. Look at her.

Image

FAKER!

TP sits in a hotel room with an oxygen thing in her nose and eats a sandwich. BS comes to visit her and does he seriously not question at ALL why this woman manages to injure herself in every activity and then conveniently gets one-on-one time with him? Meanwhile, the rest of the ladies go to the post-date cocktail party and are relieved that TP is not joining them.

DC Lesley tells BS she “love[s] love” and BS tells her in response that he “appreciate[s] [her] so much.” Romantic? 

Then Sarah shows BS pictures of her family. She used to have a prosthesis, apparently, but she doesn’t explain why she doesn’t use it anymore, which is what I’m curious about. BS doesn’t seem super into Sarah, even though at this point she’s proved she can haul bales of hay, rollerskate, and canoe with one arm. 

Back in the hotel, TP is scheming. She has recovered from her fake hypothermia and is going to the cocktail party, gosh darn it. She sprays half a bottle of perfume on herself and heads out into the night. She shows up as the other ladies are taling crap about her and BS seems overjoyed to see her. DC Lesley says, quite accurately, that TP is “a professional at getting attention.” BS rewards her for her antics, again, by taking her aside and kissing her. He notes that her hands are “so warm” but she insists that her body is “still so cold.” Uh huh. BS asks her whether she’d want a proposal at the end of the show if they were to fall in love. Huh? Isn’t that the point of this entire sh*tshow? That someone gets proposed to at the end? If not, what are we all here for?

As TP and BS are talking, Drunk Lindsay sneaks in with two drinks in her hand. She will probably drink them both.

At the end of the party, BS says he appreciates all the women who “embraced today” and gives a special shout-out to Tierra, of all people. Then he gives the rose to Lesley. Lesley’s head is weird-shaped, by the way. It’s like halfway between an egg and a cone. It’s like one of those old L’eggs packages. With blonde hair.

BS has decided that he does not see a “forever” with one of the women and he needs to come clean to her. BS is breaking all the rules here, isn’t he? He asks to speak to Sarah – poor, one armed Sarah – and I feel sad for her. And is it just me, or does it kinda make it worse that he pulled her out in front of all the other women, rather than just letting her go during a rose ceremony, as usual? Why is this better? BS tells Sarah he doesn’t like her and she cries. Ugh, this is bad, you guys. While BS tells Sarah she’s “incredible,” she gives him what my husband calls a “frost grin.” I have patented the frost grin, but Sarah does a pretty good one. To her credit, Sarah handles the awkwardness of this situation well, at least until she’s alone and has a good ugly cry. Her pensive limo ride is pretty tough to watch, but then again, she’s like 25 years old, she’ll be fine. People get broken up with. It’s not the end of the world. I think we’re all just feeling bad for her because she got dumped on TV and she only has one arm.

BS and Desiree have a one-on-one date. As my cousin aptly pointed out to me in an email, Desiree is WAY pigeon-toed, so much so that it’s kinda painful to watch her walk. But at least she doesn’t have an egg-shaped head like Lesley, right? For their date, BS and D are rappelling down a mountain to have a picnic. Desiree calls it “propelling” down a mountain, but never mind. Some extremely Canadian guides show BS and D how to put on a harness and oh, the accents! D kinda freaks out as they are going down the rock face. I have done rappelling before and it actually can be nerve-wracking so I get why D is nervous about it. Desiree says “rappelling down the mountain is seriously like a relationship.” No, Desiree. No. 

It’s unclear whether D and BS actually went down the whole mountain or just a piece of rock, but I think more the latter. Anyway, they go to a picnic and Desiree talks with her mouth full, which is refreshing. But then she always does this weird thing with her face where it looks like she’s about to cry, and it makes me uncomfortable. After eating, BS and D decide to “spontaneously” climb a tree. Ugh, please.

For dinner, BS dons a very distracting cardigan that is toeing the line between ironic and sad, and he takes D to a teepee. Desiree scrunches her face up and I haaaate it! They talk about their backgrounds and Desiree tells BS about growing up poor and living in a tent (?!) and says, “I think that’s why I’m so humble.” This is almost as bad as saying “I have the biggest heart.” But not quite. Desiree then tells BS she wants someone “assertive” who can “take care of a family.” He says, “That’s what I want my wife to want.” These sentiments on their own are innocuous, I guess, but something about the overall treatment of gender on this show makes these statements seem super icky to me. Also, shouldn’t BS want his wife to want him, rather than some archetype of an assertive man, or whatever? Or maybe I’m over-thinking this.

Final cocktail party. Selma realizes she is at a disadvantage for not doing the polar plunge and for not kissing BS. So she decides to compromise her “values” and kiss BS. Which kiiinda makes me think the whole values thing was a load of crap? The kiss looks underwhelming and afterwards, BS says, “Thank you.” Oof. Selma says this was a “huge shame to her family” but I actually think her boobs have already shamed her family, so it’s fine.

Drunk Lindsay then tells BS she’s not going to kiss him (ugh, tired of this already) and wow, she really is drunk tonight. Then she tells him she sleeps naked. Aw, old Drunk Lindsay is back! It’s just like old times.

AshLee gives BS a blindfold and says it represents something about her relinquishing control, but there are lots of words and I don’t really follow. Anyway, BS blindfolds her and then carries her somewhere else and then kisses her with the blindfold on. It’s all very strange. I get that it’s supposed to be some kind of metaphor but it’s not working for me. Afterwards, AshLee says she sees her “whole future lined up now.” Whoa, nelly.

Okay, finally, time for the rose ceremony. There are only THREE roses to hand out. Which means TWO women are going home. Roses go to: 1) Drunk Lindsay, 2) AshLee, and 3) Tierra frickin’ Palin. WHY, Sean? WHYYY? So Daniella, Selma, and Selma’s boobs are headed home this evening. Daniella had to have seen that coming, right? She talked to BS like ONE TIME. I’m not sure he’d be able to pick her out of a line-up. And I guess Selma’s last minute kiss gambit didn’t work out for her so well. She seems pretty composed, though. I think Selma was playing a higher-level game the whole time, anyway. Daniella, though, is drunk and weepy. She says she is “keeping a straight face,” but actually, she’s crying and making kind of a weird, non-straight face. 

BS tells the other women that “you six are the six for me.” This is one of those polygamist moments I’m talking about! He then tells them they’re heading to St. Croix and everyone squeals. Yippee.

Well, guys, we made it. I didn’t know if we were gonna make it, but we did. And now I need a full week’s rest from this mess before BS and his “ladies” go to a generic tropical resort which one of the women will inevitably refer to as “paradise.” See you next week.

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