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Bachelor Sean, Ep. 7

Hello Bachelor addicts – this post is coming almost a week late because I was on safari and turns out you can’t blog in the bush. The good news is, I narrowly avoided being eaten by lions, returned to civilization, and am now able to catch up on the three (!!!) episodes that I’ve somehow missed in the last week. You’re killing me, ABC. So, without further ado, here’s Episode 7, for your reading pleasure. Programming note: I watched the first half of this episode with my husband, so his occasional comments are included, when funny/trenchant enough for my readers.

BS and the “ladies” are in “San Croix” this week (is that how it’s said or does BS just have a speech impediment? Shouldn’t it be “Saint Croix?”). The episode opens with an obligatory sea plane landing on the water. The “ladies” stay at a rather down-at-heel resort with brown curtains, which my husband notes looks like a Garden Inn. AshLee spews a series of non-sequitors about wanting to be outside and wanting to fall in love. Tierra Palin decides to drag out a fold-out bed in a separate room from the rest of the women so that she can “keep focused on Sean.” Which makes sense. Side note: has anyone else noticed she says “with” as “wit?”

AshLee gets the first one-on-one date and Tierra shoots her death rays. By the by, methinks AshLee is too “emotionally carried away” by BS at this point in the “journey.” Lady needs to dial the love and soul-mate talk back a little bit and remind herself that she is a contestant on The Bachelor, Season 17. Tierra Palin calls AshLee a cougar because she is THIRTY-TWO, which is, like, SO ANCIENT, you guys.

BS comes to pick up AshLee and describes her as having “the biggest heart,” which I think means he does not like her. They take a catamaran to a private island (a date which has NEVER been done on the Bach before, except for those other fifteen times) but guess what? There’s a TWIST. They have to SWIM out to the catamaran (which is approx. 30 feet away). AshLee somehow manages to connect this challenge to being abandoned as a child? I don’t know, I wasn’t totally listening. Later, BS and AshLee “spontaneously” jump off the back of a boat.

On their date, BS asks AshLee whether the dramz has subsided with Tierra and AshLee, like an idiot, lets fly. Rookie mistake, AshLee. NEVER talk to the lead about another girl. Rule number one. BS says he is “grateful” for AshLee telling him about Tierra Palin, which is interesting.

BTW, AshLee is embarrassing herself with all of these gooshy confessionals where she says how much she lerves Sean. It’s also embarrassing for everyone when she and BS do the From Here to Eternity making out in the sand thing. Except it’s more like from here to next week when AshLee inevitably gets sent home.

At dinner, AshLee wears an awkward belly shirt and plays with her hair. BS says he “can’t imagine anything going wrong at this point.” Which I sense means something’s about to go wrong. After much torturous hemming and hawing, AshLee tells BS she has a confession to make and that fifteen years ago, she got married (i.e., she got married as a seventeen year old). She starts crying and acting like she just told BS she murdered someone. BS, to his credit, looks amused. Because come on. It’s funny. She explains that she got married because she didn’t want to fight with her mom anymore, which was probably not the most solid plan, but let’s cut her a break: she was seventeen. And she’s dumb. Anyway, BS says that it’s not a big deal and tells her not to stress about being a seventeen year old divorcee. Then they “spontaneously” scream “HELLO ST. CROIX” into the distance. Then, unbidden, AshLee yells “I LOVE SEAN.” BS does not reciprocate and yell “I love AshLee” into the void. AshLee, meanwhile, says she’ll “never stop telling” BS that she loves him. So is she gonna write him letters, or send emails, or how’s that gonna work?

Next date is for Tierra Palin and oh dear, she’s getting the obligatory dancing-with-local-children date. She is disappointed it’s not a boating date. Womp womp. Cue to footage of BS and TP strolling through “ethnic market.” Guess what? Shopping is one of Tierra’s favorite things to do. And shopping with BS is “amazing,” she tells us, because he bought her jewelry. My husband says. “Really? It’s amazing? Because he bought you a conch necklace and a bracelet made out of wire?”

By CHANCE, TP and BS walk in on a “spontaneous” local parade with people on stilts and women wearing sequins and feathers! My husband points out that when this was filmed, it was only six months until Carnaval, so, sure. BS and TP are the only white people in evidence but they blend right in with the “colorful” locals. TP tells BS she is the “happiest girl ever.” Don’t force it, TP.

BS thinks TP is being “fun” and “sweet” but he still has questions. Important questions. When BS asks her about her relationships with the other women, TP tells him that the other girls exclude her, and for once, I don’t think BS is buying it.

For dinner, they eat at an abandoned sugar mill. Romantic? TP tells BS that she “did feel there was a little distant from [him].” Which I don’t think is totally English. BS frowns and nods politely as TP tells him this. TP says in a confessional that she is pissed that she was “thrown under the bus” by AshLee so she decides to get back on top by telling BS a bunch of weird stuff about how she’s falling in love with him. He seems underwhelmed. Aaaand I predict TP is going home real soon.

For the group date, BS surprises the ladies by taking unflattering photos of them in bed with no makeup on. Then, they load into a van and go to Point Udall to see the sunrise. Desiree says the sunrise is “beyond worth it.” A crappy map of St. Croix is superimposed over footage of the “ladies” and BS driving around the island. Desiree makes her scrunchy face at BS as he drives but he doesn’t seem to notice, maybe because he is keeping his eyes on the road? They go to a legitimately cool treehouse in the middle of the forest, where Desiree hogs BS’s time and the other girls mope around.

Later, BS tells Drunk Lindsay how he appreciates her “depth.” Not the first word I would choose to describe Drunk Lindsay, but okay, BS. They make out and their mouths mash together and it’s awfulllll. You all know how I feel about mouth noises. After that, BS and Catherine play with a conch shell on the beach (sure are a lot of conch shells in this place) and Catherine looks moody. Then she pulls out her “sad dad” story, which we all knew was coming eventually. There’s one on every season. Catherine’s sad dad is a depressed man who lives in China. Apparently he tried to kill himself in front of Catherine and her sisters (what??!) and was “immediately taken away” to China. This is worse than her story about seeing her friend killed by a tree. Way to step it up, Catherine.

Finally, poor, scrunch-faced, pigeon-toed Desiree goes on a walk with BS on the beach and, as my cousin pointed out in an email, it looks difficult for her. Because of the pigeon toes. Desiree cries for no apparent reason because she loves her family so much? Oh, brother. Desiree, get a depressed Dad in China and then you can cry. She says: “My family is so special in so many ways because I look up to them… They’re so simple yet so happy.” Um, remember how they raised you in a TENT? Have you forgotten about that? At this point, I’m hoping warning bells are going off in BS’s head about the fact that Desiree aspires to emulate her parents, who, it must be repeated, RAISED HER IN A TENT.

And BS gives the rose to… Lindsay. Shock! My husband wanders over during the rose-giving moment to comment that Lindsay has “crazy eyes.” Indeed.

Next, BS goes on a pensive walk in pink shorts while he waits for his one-on-one date with DC Lesley, who is the absolute worst. BS admits that his relationship with DC Lesley is not where it needs to be – ruh-roh! I don’t think Lesley knows this, by the way. They go to Mt. Washington Plantation and Lesley says it’s “like Sean and I’s private paradise.” So we’ve got the terrible grammar and the paradise reference in one go. Impressive!

Lesley tells BS that when he meets her family, they will go to her lake house and it will be “literally the best time ever.” High bar, Lesley. Then she tells BS that she thinks they have “crazy, raw, mad passion,” (barf) and then trails off, because she has nothing else to say. This exchange is making me feel so awkward that I’m avoiding eye contact with the TV.

Later, BS asks his sister Shay for advice on which member of his harem to marry, because she is in St. Croix, for some reason. Also, she is a role model to him because she’s married. BS tells her that he can “see the possibility of marriage with all of them,” but one in particular does not stand out. Which is probably not great. Shay tells BS that their family is concerned he is going to get hurt and warns him against picking the bad one (Tierra. Duh).

Meanwhile, back at the house, tension is building between Tierra and AshLee, who has done her hair in a bouffant ponytail for sitting by the pool. TP confronts AshLee and accuses her of “sabotaging” TP’s relationship with BS. AshLee retorts by telling TP that she is rude because she doesn’t say good morning at breakfast. Tierra says that she’s not rude; she’s just too mature for the other girls, and THAT’s the problem, okay? The word “character” is thrown around a lot. TP also claims that she acts differently around BS because “girls are jealous” and “men love me.” Ick. TP then brings up, again, the fact that AshLee is 32 years old, which is like saying she is 100 million years old. The fight devolves into TP and AshLee yelling each other about “sabotage” and “character” and “throwing [people] under the bus.” I am confused about why AshLee is so bothered by TP being rude to her. Who cares? Why does it matter? Were they going to be lifelong friends if Tierra had been more friendly at breakfast? At one point, AshLee accuses Tierra of raising her eyebrow at her and Tierra yells, “I can’t control my eyebrow!” This argument is maybe not super constructive.

Meanwhile, BS decides to grab Tierra so that she can meet his sister and they can talk their issues out. BS finds Tierra crying dramatically on her cot. He asks her what’s going on and she pulls a full-on Nancy Kerrigan (“WHHHYYYY???”). BS tells her he wants her to meet someone and she whines, “Whoooo?” BS looks like he wants to slap her upside the head. And at this point, no one in America would blame him. TP tells BS — for the second time — that she has “such a big heart” but that she doesn’t know how to handle this process. BTW, these are the fakest tears I’ve ever seen. She is not even a good fake crier! If this is the card she’s gonna play, she needs to get better at simulating the waterworks.

She was better at faking hypothermia

She was better at faking hypothermia

BS goes for another pensive, pink-shorted walk to contemplate Tierra’s tantrum. He says he cares about her so it’s hard for her to watch her upset. But at the same time, he is keeping in mind his sister’s wise words not to pick the crazy b*tch, so… dilemma. Resolute, BS walks back into Tierra’s cot room and sits down and tells her he wanted to introduce her to his sister and she summons up some more crocodile tears. BS tells her that he understands the process has been difficult for Tierra and that he is “crazy about” her but that he thinks she should go home. Dang! TP didn’t see this coming. Biggest strategic backfire in Bachelor history ever?

BS tells her he’s sorry and she fake cries some more. Then he walks her out and sad music plays. He asks her if she’s going to be okay and she says “no” and she has a look on her face like she wants to murder someone, maybe BS? He tells her he thinks the world of her and she says “obviously not enough.” Oh, jeez.

TP has one of the worst pensive limo rides breakdowns I’ve ever seen with BIG FAKE SOBS and whining about how she “can’t believe they did this to [her].” I guess suggesting that the other women made her into the terrible person she is? How does that work, exactly? TP wipes away her fake tears and says she is going to be fine because she’s strong. Anyway, she adds, she told herself that no one would take her sparkle away and no one did. So there.

BS goes back to find his sister and tells her that he sent TP home. She seems cool with it.

Cocktail party time. The “ladies” don’t know what happened with TP and BS. They speculate about what happened and use big words like “manipulations” and “sabotage.” BS walks in looking more dapper than usual and tells the women that he sent TP home and all the women try to suppress grins of glee. BS tells them he’s not looking for drama in a partner and gives AshLee a significant look. Uh oh, AshLee. You messed up big time. BS also says he reached clarity about the decision he’s making tonight and that there won’t be a cocktail party. Oh, sheez, he’s going straight to the rose ceremony. This is making me nervz!!

The ladies then begin the long march into the Rose Chamber, where a somber Chris Harrison welcomes them. This is a big rose ceremony, Chris Harrison explains, because the four who leave with roses will take BS home to meet their families. Since Lindsay already has a rose, she’s definitely going on a hometown date, but the rest are on the chopping block. I have to think Lesley is the weakest link here. I’m rooting for her to get shipped back to DC, where all of the nerds she dissed on national TV will continue to spurn her.

Roses go to: 1) Desiree, 2) Catherine, and 3) AshLee. AshLee says, “This is my husband,” after getting her rose. I think she means BS and not the rose. But unclear, really. Anyway, this all means DC Lesley is going home, as I predicted. Yesss. BS walks Lesley out and Catherine starts crying for some reason. Wait, what? Catherine says, “If he doesn’t want Lesley, then I don’t know why I’m here.” Again, what? Catherine explains that her “beliefs are shattered about what [BS] wants.” How many drinks have these women had?

DC Lesley, meanwhile, says she doesn’t know how she is going to recover from this heartbreak. Um, by giving it a week or so? And lowering your standards?

Next week is hometown dates, y’all. Looks like Desiree’s brother threatens to hit BS! But, I mean, he grew up in a tent, so let’s cut him some slack.

See you next week.

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