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Bachelor Sean: The Women Tell All

Hoo boy – I’ve been looking forward to this one all week, you guys. I am particularly looking forward to watching AshLee rip Bachelor Sean (BS) a new one. The Tierra stuff is less interesting to me, but I’m not NOT looking forward to it. And the rest I might fast-forward over. Anyway, as is my custom, I will be blogging this in bullet format, because the WTA does not deserve real paragraphs. Here we go!

  • Chris Harrison asks the near-hysterical studio audience what they think about Sean (answer: woo!) and what they think about Sean with his shirt off (answer: wooo!). Chris Harrison also reminds us that this is the “most dramatic season of the Bachelor… EVER.” Since Chris Harrison says that every season, I guess that means it’s true? Like, by definition? 
  • They do a dumb stunt where C. Harrison and BS show up to ppl’s Bachelor viewing parties and I am fast forwarding over it because who cares.
  • It’s time to meet “the ladies!” I have already forgotten half of them existed, so this is a good reminder.
  • Lesley, who I dislike so very much, tries to sound smart by using words like “lessening” but actually sounds dumb.
  • The women agree that Tierra faked her medical conditions. Brooke (one of the ones who I forgot existed) suggests that the other ladies are just envious they didn’t think of faking injuries. Touche, Brooke.
  • Now the EVIL VILLAINESS Tierra comes out. Can I just say, I think Tierra is icky and a faker and I wouldn’t want to share an airport shuttle with her, but the level of hate against this lady is sort of ridick. It’s a SHOW. She’s a dumb, manipulative weirdo who played all of that up because she was on a show that rewards that type of behavior. None of these other biddies ever have to spend time with her again, and 99.9% of Bachelor viewers will never be forced to interact with her, so what is the big effing deal? I ask you.
  • Tierra says she “lights up in a room” and she “bring[s] joy” into every gathering, but the other ladies judged her and thus crushed her “light.” Humble. She also rambles and looks around the room as she speaks and I keep expecting her to talk about the Asian countries and the Iraq.
  • Tierra Palin (TP) also says stuff like: “I think, you know, Sean put in my mindset as well, as you know, Tierra, focus on the prize. At the end.” Is this English? I’m serious.
  • Chris Harrison asks TP if she regrets anything or wants to apologize to anything and she says no and the audience groans.
  • The ladies all tell Tierra why they hate her. Every woman lists all of the times Tierra ignored her. This takes a while. What’s baffling to me is that they all seem really HURT by Tierra being rude to them. Unclear why any of this matters, at all. I mean, not just Tierra’s behavior, but this show in general. But if I go down that rabbit hole, then things are gonna unravel on this blog pretty fast.
  • The first “Sean and I’s connection” is dropped. By Tierra. The part of my soul that is responsible for grammar is flaking away by the second.
  • Next Chris Harrison walks us through the “battle” between TP and AshLee in St. Croix. AshLee and Tierra argue about whether Tierra called AshLee a “liar” or whether she just said that AshLee lied, because there IS a distinction, you guys.
  • After much prodding from Chris Harrison, TP offers a lukewarm apology and no one seems satisfied.
  • TP then brings up that she won “Little Miss Nevada,” which explains a lot, doesn’t it?
  • Finally, TP tells the world that she is engaged. To be married. Whaaaa?! TP explains that she is marrying a dude that she dated before coming on the show. Actual quote from TP: “So, I did the Bachelor and thought, you know, I could find my love here, and as soon as I got back, we rekindled things, that it was in God’s favor then, that’s how it worked out.” God’s favor? Stop.
  • Chris Harrison claims that “no one has touched America’s heart quite like Sarah.” Because she has one arm, I guess?
  • Sarah comes and sits on the hot seat. I am tempted to fast forward over this because honestly, who cares? Sarah is boring and she and BS did not have any discernible spark, and the only reason we are talking about her is because she has one arm. This is like reverse racism, you guys.
  • Sarah uses the phrase “lone and behold.”
  • Desiree’s turn in the hot seat. Booo-ring. Bring Des’s white trash brother out here and then we’ll have some watchable TV.
  • Prediction: Des is going to be the next Bachelorette. She is talking all winsome and humble like a Bachelorette. This is happening. MARK MY WORDS.
  • Finally, AshLee’s up. They replay all the embarrassing sh*t she said over the course of the season and if I were AshLee, I would run out of the studio out of humiliation. HORRIBLE.
  • BS comes out and AshLee asks him what happened. He tells her that she was his frontrunner but that he couldn’t really have fun with her. Ouch. AshLee looks at him like she wants to rip off his skinny tie and strangle him with it. To her credit, she does not try to argue that she is, in fact, fun. Even AshLee knows she’s not fun.
  • AshLee asks why BS made her go through the rose ceremony if he knew he wanted to send her home, and BS says he was falling in love with her, but… he doesn’t really give her an answer. AshLee asks why BS didn’t come and check on her after he sent her home (which implies that the pensive SUV does not actually drive all the way back to America), since he is a gentleman. BS looks confused and sort of like he wants to say, “I didn’t come to check on you because I don’t like you.”
  • AshLee asks why BS told her in the fantasy suite that he had no feelings for the other two women. BS denies saying this. AshLee insists he did say this. Things get tense. I can’t tell if AshLee is lying or if BS is lying. I feel like probably AshLee? Just because she seems to be walking that border between crazy and non-crazy. But I’m not sure. AshLee revises her statement and claims that BS said that there was “nothing between” him and the other two women. Silence descends in the studio. AWWWWKWAAARD.
  • They go to commercial and things feel anticlimactic. I wanted AshLee to claw BS’s eyes out.
  • Oh, but wait – there’s BEHIND THE SCENES footage of their conversation, which continued during the commercial break. Here’s how it goes: BS: I didn’t say that. AshLee: Yes you did. BS: No, I didn’t. AshLee: Yes, you did.
  • This debate is never satisfactorily resolved.
  • During the bloopers, we learn that BS does not know how to open a bottle of wine. Which is not shocking.
  • BS uses the term “blessed” and “amazing” to describe his “journey.” Barftastic.
  • Time to look back on BS’s final two ladies, Catherine and Lindsay!
  • BS claims that he and Catherine have the same sense of humor, “which is a little out there, a little weird.” I’ve already discussed how there is literally nothing “weird” about BS, but I think it’s cute that he thinks he’s “quirky” and “out there.” I suspect that BS’s definition of “out there” humor involves pulling lame pranks with the help of TV producers. And by the way, anyone with a sense of humor that is actually “out there” would not describe their sense of humor as “out there.”
  • Meanwhile, re: Drunk Lindsay, Sean says he “can” picture being with her forever. But he’s not making super definitive statements about her. I liked when they replayed the footage of drunk Lindsay being drunk. I liked her so much better back then.

Okay, that’s all she wrote. Next week is the finale slash “live, three-hour Bachelor Event.” I can’t hardly wait.

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