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BACHELOR SEAN FINALE

OMG, OMG, it’s time!! It’s finally time!! Well — it’s finally time here in Joburg – I realize that the Bach finale actually happened like two days ago, but whatever!! IT’S TIME.

I’d like to note that iTunes took LITERALLY ALL DAY to download this finale. Seriously. I started downloading at 8:30 AM and it’s still not done at 4:30 PM, but I am starting to watch anyway, and hopefully the thing will finish downloading as I watch. I blame South Africa, ABC, Chris Harrison, and Tierra.

I’d also like to note that, as a person who owns the internet, the ending of this season was totally spoiled for me over the last 24 hours, and since I’m assuming at this point, everyone and their mom knows who wins, I won’t avoid spoilers. In fact, it’s more interesting to watch knowing who the loser is so you can cringe as she rhapsodizes about BS and how perfect their love is, you know?

LET’S DO THIS THING.

Chris Harrison uses the word “historic” to describe tonight’s episode. Which I guess is technically true, in the sense that every event that occurs on Earth is, in some sense, historic, but is untrue in literally every other sense. Chris Harrison also uses the term “late-breaking news” regarding BS and his “status.” IMPORTANT STUFF IS HAPPENING HERE.

Forewarning: I might fast-forward over some stuff, because the finale tends to be boring, especially when the Bachelor “reflects” on his two women and hems and haws over which one to choose. Snore.

Kay, so BS’s family is in town and wow, they are blonde. BS’s mom is nervous for him because she wants him to make the right decision. BS tells mom he doesn’t know which girl he is going to pick and she nods slowly, thinking what everyone else is thinking, which is, probably if you actually don’t have a preference about which woman to pick at this point, maybe use your brain and don’t get married to either one? 

Catherine gets to meet BS’s family first. Everyone toasts with water, which is weird, and then they ask Catherine boring questions about herself. It feels like a job interview. BS’s mom pulls Catherine aside. Mom seems polite but skeptical. Can’t blame her; lady’s been through this process before. Catherine says BS makes her feel “comfortable with [her]self.” Is this a good thing? Before you get married, shouldn’t you feel comfortable with yourself in your own right? Just a thought.

BS’s dad asks Catherine if she believes in “the Bachelor Process.” Not reacting to the utter goofiness of that phrase, Catherine says she was “very skeptical” in the beginning, which begs the question – if you were so “skeptical,” why did you come on the show? Did someone force you as part of a complex hostage negotiation? Because otherwise I am calling BS on your claim that you were “skeptical” of the Bachelor Process.

Conclusion at the end of the day: BS’s family “loves” Catherine. Of course they do: these people know better than to pull a Desiree’s brother – they’re old pros.

Now it’s Lindsay’s turn, who says she is “so close to being Sean’s fiance.” Oh, Lindsay. Please stop. You’re making everyone uncomfortable. BS’s family ask what BS and Lindsay have done together and they say, “a lot.” And then one of them adds, “we fed monkeys.” What an amazing journey they’ve had.

BS’s dad — who seems like he has some acting training, am I right? — sits down with Lindsay and asks her how she knows she’s in love with BS. Lindsay says “I just know. I want to hang out with him.” Good answer. Then Lindsay gives an *amazing* answer to some other generic question about marriage by saying that “marriage is compromise” and by mentioning “prayer” and “meeting in the middle.” Checking alllll the boxes. Then BS’s dad tells Lindsay that they started praying on the day BS was born for his wife. Um, ew? There’s something deeply creepy about praying for a newborn’s hypothetical wife, I’m sorry. 

Lindsay asks BS’s dad for BS’s hand in marriage and they laugh, because it would be so silly for a woman to propose to a man!! Imagine such a thing!! Next thing you know, she’ll be wearing pants and voting, the scamp!!

BS’s mom asks Lindsay when she knew she was in love with BS and she says when BS asked her about her family, or something. Whatever. Boring. I gotta give BS’s mom credit, though, she seems less instantly won over than her husband; I am not sure she’s a 100% believer in the “Bachelor process” like BS’s dad. 

Now it’s time for BS to reflect in generic terms on his two remaining ladies. He wants his family to help him make a decision, because that’s a normal thing that adults do: ask their parents who they should marry. BS’s mom, though, points out that he doesn’t HAVE to propose. GASP!!! Heresy!!! Hang her!! 

BS seems put off by his mother’s suggestion that he doesn’t have to actually ask anyone to marry him on TV. BS says, a little bitchily, that he wants his mother’s support, implying that she needs to shut her damn mouth and buy into the Bachelor Process already. Mom starts crying and tells BS not to make any rash decisions. Too late, Mom! BS decides he needs to listen to his heart (rather than his family) so he stands on a porch and stares pensively into the distance and purses his lips. 

It’s time for Lindsay’s final date with BS. You can tell she’s confident that BS is going to pick her, because she says tomorrow will be the biggest day of BS’s life, and hopefully her life. Sigh. They go on a boat ride down a river and BS wears a very fetching teal wifebeater.

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This outfit happened.

BS points out Myanmar and Laos and Thailand to Lindsay and she says, “What?” I think because she had never heard of those places before. Meanwhile, their boat driver looks uncomfortable and stares at the camera nervously. Then BS and Lindsay look back fondly on all of their fun times together: they went on a date in Montana, and they wrestled. That’s about it. Lindsay concludes that they have “the big things you need in a marriage.” Except for an actual relationship, I guess. Lindsay asks BS what he thinks they’ll look like when they’re old and he says, “I can picture you being a hot old chick.” Meanwhile, ABC is playing sappy music, as if this were a touching moment. Finally, Lindsay tells BS she loves him and he makes a sound halfway between “aww” and “mmm,” and it’s awwwwful. 

Cut to footage of Lindsay setting out wine and glasses. BS shows up at her room and they drink wine and make out since they don’t actually have much to say. Lindsay asks him if he remembers their first kiss, and he says yes. Good times! I’d love to hear these two discuss current events, wouldn’t you? Also, I have to say, I’m at the point in the season where Lindsay’s baby talk is getting grating as hell and I want it to stop. right. now. Luckily there are only TWO MORE HOURS more to endure.

Lindsay tells BS she is nervous and she doesn’t know what she’d do if she lost him. Probably move on with life? Find another guy who’s not on TV? Go back to part-time substitute teaching? Lots of possibilities. Lindsay says she wishes she knew what BS was thinking and he says, “I’m happy being here now.” Translation: I’m not picking you. 

Lindsay and BS do that thing that has been done on oh, four or five previous seasons of the Bachelor, where they write wishes on lanterns and send them into the sky. What a beautiful, not-overplayed cultural ritual! BS concludes that Lindsay is “the one for [him].” Hmmmmmmm.

Now it’s Catherine’s turn. For their date, they ride an elephant. At some point, they change into Thai pants – unclear why – but, you know, why not? Then they sit down and Catherine tells BS she is excited, but doesn’t make eye contact with him. Weird. Later, Catherine lights some candles in her hotel room and says she wants to make sure BS knows how she feels about him. Oh, dear. Catherine says she has a “hard time talking about serious things,” which is basically like saying, “I am immature and not ready to be married.”

Catherine blabs on about how much she loves BS’s family, and I go on Instagram for a while, and when I come back, BS is telling Catherine that he pictures himself with her. He seems much more reassuring to her than Lindsay, eh? I mean, writing’s on the wall, peeps.

Catherine and BS share a long hug and I wonder if he’s telling her that he’s going to pick her and we just can’t hear it? Catherine says “I love you” and BS says “thank you for today.” Ouch. Catherine cries and BS sort of reassures her but it’s pretty unsatisfying. Catherine points out that it’s annoying how their relationship is pretty one-sided and she can’t get anything out of BS and how he doesn’t reciprocate her feelings. Um, yeah. This is yet another reason why this show is RIDICULOUS. What kind of relationship do you have if only one person is contractually allowed to express their feelings? Why do these people do this to themselves??

On the big morning, BS wakes up shirtless and rubs lotion on his nipples, and then leans on his balcony and considers his options.

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This is Sean’s thinking pose.

BS says he has searched his heart and made up his mind and knows – finally! – who he’s going to pick. Good, now Neil Lane can show up with his briefcase and untucked shirt and show BS his tacky rings. Neil Lane shows BS the usual crap: big, square rings with rose gold and yellow diamonds and other things that will look dated as hell in ten years – but I guess that’s not much of a concern since BS and his lady will most likely break up before any of these looks can go out of style. 

BS puts on his suit and fingers the ugly ring he chose and says he is about to “dedicate [his] life to this wonderful woman,” and he cries. Pull it together, BS.

Meanwhile, poor old Lindsay is putting on a silver dress and reflecting on how BS is her “everything.” Ugh, Lindsay. Stop. If I were on this show and in the final two, I would just say nothing. I’d be like, “Yeah, it’ll be cool if he proposes but I’ll be fine either way. No biggie.” That’s the way to go, I think.

Catherine is wearing a gold dress and freaking out. 

This is always the point in the show where I get nervous and awkward, even if I know who’s going to win, because I feel badly for the poor soul who’s going to get brutally dumped on national television. The awkwardness!! My stomach is actually in knots, you guys, and I hate that this train-wreck of a show has that power over me. Damn you, Chris Harrison!

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison asks four Bachelor rejects who they think is going to win and no one cares what they think. 

Kay, back to the action. Dramatic Thai string music plays and a single rose sits on a wooden thing – a rose holder? what is that thing? – anyway. BS is all teary eyed because he has to break up with Lindsay. He says he “didn’t plan on this.” Except, ya kinda did, right? By signing onto the show? Remember?

Lindsay’s SUV pulls up and I am seriously sooo nervous and whoa, Lindsay has an intense tattoo on her foot. How did I never notice that before? Cut to voiceover of Lindsay saying: “Today is the day I’m gonna get engaged.” STOPPPP. She says a lot of other stuff that is too painful to record here because we all know what’s coming, including that this process has helped her become a “mature, independent woman.” Yeesh.

BS gives Lindsay a speech that gets her hopes up and whyyyy is he doing this? She clearly thinks he’s going to propose. She’s all smiley and excited and it’s just horrible. I think when BS starts breathing heavily and looking down, she starts to cotton on to the fact that he’s not going to propose, and her face falls. He says he wants to give her his heart but he can’t because his heart is leading him somewhere else  and he was undecided until yesterday. Why did he need to tell her that? How is any of this helpful? Couldn’t he have pulled an Ali Fedotowski with Chris Lambton and sent her home before this? Finally, BS makes this whole exchange The Official Worst by telling Lindsay he loves her. Salt –> wound.

Lindsay says it’s okay and then BS starts crying and then she starts crying and her baby voice is suddenly gone. Whoa. Finally, she tells BS she is gonna go because this is her “nightmare,” and she says she’s happy for him but that she can’t imagine her life without him. Then she gives him a hug, which is big of her, and he walks her out. I like that she stops to take off her heels – fat lot of good they did her, huh? – and walks ahead of him. She’s pissed but you know? She’s handling herself well, I gotta give her credit. None of the Desiree whining and begging. None of the AshLee bitchiness. It’s pretty classy, all told. I mean, Bachelor Classy. But still.

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In her pensive limo, she says she feels like an idiot. Which, okay, yeah, I see that. Then she gets kinda mad and cries – understandable. But you know? She’s 24 – I feel like she has TIME to find a man and pop out babies or whatever. At least another year before she is too old to legally bear children in Missouri.

Chris Harrison emerges and gives BS a letter from Catherine, which says nice things about BS and is not actually dramatic at all, despite the cutaways and dramatic music. Blah, blah, Sean proposes and Catherine looks like she’s about to actually have a heart-attack and die, and then she says yes. Cue soaring music. They ride off on an elephant into the sunset. THE END.

Whew.

Okay, so I won’t be blogging the ATFR because, you know, I just won’t. I have to cook dinner for my actual husband who I have an actual marriage with and need to step away from this crazytown bullsh*t for a while. But I’ll be honest, I’ll be watching the ATFR as I cook. Not gonna lie about that. I’d never lie about that.

Welp, that’s a wrap, folks. Guess you won’t be hearing from me about Bachelor/ette related stuff until Desiree’s season – and no matter where I am, I will be blogging it, don’t you worry. Until then, who wants to take bets on how soon BS and Catherine will break up? I give them 6 months to a year. ROMANCE!!!

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