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The Bachelor S18 finale: some thoughts.

Hello!

I haven’t touched this space in a good long while because, as you are probably aware if you’re reading this, I’ve been covering The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and other TV shows over at Previously.TV. Go read my stuff here, if you’re so inclined.

In any case, I didn’t cover the finale of The Bachelor this season for Previously.TV because I was on vacation in Portugal with my adorable husband when it aired, so I had to take a miss. However, being me, I watched the entire finale fiasco on my DVR approximately three to six minutes after getting home from Europe, and I had some thoughts. Since a few people had asked me to post said thoughts online, I figured I’d dump them in here, in crappy bullet point format, since I am lazy and have become accustomed to getting paid cash-money to write about this stuff. So this post won’t be my typical stellar work — ain’t nobody got time for that. Unless, of course, you’d like to pay me according to the standards I’ve come to expect — sort of a Bachelor blog alimony type deal. Anyone?

Okay, bullets it is.

One note: I wrote this knowing who “won,” but had limited my reading about the show so as not to poison the well, so to speak. Then, as soon as I wrote this, I binged on all the delightful articles written about what an out-and-out spectacle the whole thing was, and I will link to some of my favorites as appropriate in the bullets. Okay, so, without further ado, please find my bulleted thoughts on this mess, below.

  • FIRST of all, Chris Harrison isn’t even pretending at this point not to hate Juan Pablo. His voice is absolutely dripping with disdain as he hosts this, the most controversial Bachelor finale in all of storied Bachelor history, or whatever. He almost seems gleeful as he interviews people in the audience, all of whom are like, “We hate Juan Pablo; down with Juan Pablo!”
  • Okay, so, Clare’s Meet The Family date with Juan Pablo: not much to say here other than that Clare is shockingly awkward with Camila. I’m just so distracted by her face. Why can’t she stop herself from doing that tortured tongue-biting duck-face, even while talking to a child? An impressionable child! Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children??
  • Knowing going into this thing that Juan Pablo doesn’t pick Clare in the end makes all of her tongue-iness and baby talk (in both senses of the word) even more embarrassing. And it was already pretty embarrassing.
  • The fact that Clare thinks that she and Juan Pablo “communicated” in the aftermath of their kerfuffle over the ocean swim/sex makes me think she’s a brainwashed robot or else just REALLY dense. Or possibly both? Also, I love how she’s totally bought the company line on how Juan Pablo’s just really “honest.” Most bafflingly, she somehow comes out of a discussion with Juan Pablo’s mom in which Mama is like, “Um, he’s my son and even I think he sucks,” and concludes that this conversation has validated her feelings of adoration and love for Juan Pablo. But then again, you know what they say: prolonged willful ignorance is a healthy foundation for any long-term relationship. They say that, right?
  • Next, Nikki and her intense haunch tattoo show up to try to impress Juan Pablo’s family. Juan Pablo, meanwhile, is totally phoning it in. He might have yawned while talking about Nikki to his family. Yet Nikki, like Clare, is determined to see the best in this man despite overwhelming evidence that there is, in fact, nothing good about him, including his OWN FAMILY being like, “Don’t marry him! He’s an asshole!”
  • Nikki’s ideas of what her time with Juan Pablo and Camila would be like are shockingly vague. “We’d… like, do activities. And just, like, have a loving family.” Well, can’t poke holes in that plan!
  • Back to the studio audience, and Catherine Lowe nee Giudici shows up to misuse the word “complacency.” Go away, Catherine. Go away, show. Go away, everyone.
  • Back to Juan Pablo’s helicopter date with Clare. Surprising no one, Juan Pablo proves himself to be a terrible, insensitive cad and whispers something about sex in Clare’s ear — while adding that he also doesn’t really know her — as soon as they get a private moment. Clare seems shocked and devastated by this, and actually pretty mad — but give her a minute.
  • Clare goes back to the hotel room and cries about the fact that Juan Pablo doesn’t really know her, etc., and I feel like she should have maaaybe had this realization a while ago. She “confronts” him about it and he’s so slimy and insincere that I start to wonder if maybe — and this is just a theory — he’s actually a bunch of lizards in a zip-up human suit. In any case, he seems like the type of person I wouldn’t even want to share a cab with, let alone date or, God forbid, marry. But Clare has convinced herself that he’s a special guy with a big heart, because they don’t let terrible people on TV; it’s against the rules.
  • Anyway, during his discussion with Clare, Juan Pablo’s trusty ol’ “I’m just being HONEST” line comes out, like, a million times. And, like every Clare-Juan Pablo fight, Clare softens up almost immediately, thus killing the small flicker of hope I had that she was actually going wake up and smell the Venezuelan coffee about this loser. Instead, she seems like she is still in this thing and wants it to work despite literally everything she’s seen and heard thus far. When Juan Pablo talks about moving to Sacramento and having a baby with her, I just can’t with it anymore, because, since I am watching this from the future, I know he’s full of crap. Of course, she buys it.
  • Now, onto Nikki, who thinks Juan Pablo is “afraid of getting hurt” and that’s why he hasn’t told her that he loves her. I’d say that’s as gross a misreading of the situation as theoretically possible, but let’s see who’s right. When she tells him she thinks he is “guarded” and “afraid of opening up,” he replies, curtly, “When I feel it, I’ll open up.” And rather than being put off or weirded out by how cold of a response that is at this point in their “relationship,” Nikki just says, “Oh, okay,” and backs off. Good talk.
  • Nikki’s generic handwritten letter to Juan Pablo is the most generic of handwritten letters. It’s like, “Thank you for all the times we had. I have enjoyed them. You are special. The end.” After that, they make out and I become physically revolted by their loud kissy noises and the way Juan Pablo talks to her like she’s a child. “Sleep,” he says, like he’s her dad and he’s putting her to bed. Bluh, how could anyone ever like this guy? I ask you!
  • The producers skip over the part where Juan Pablo has his obligatory sit-down with Neil Lane to peruse his selection of gross rings, and it’s a shame they do, because it’s awk as hell. My editor at Previously.TV, Tara, posted this lovely article showing the deleted scene, and I’d never thought I’d say this, but I’m on Neil Lane’s side on this one.
  • “Proposal” day! Clare says, and I quote: “It’s all been my perfect version of a fairy tale.” I mean, maybe she meant like a Grimm fairy tale, where people get impaled and raped and buried alive and stuff? She also says, “You just have to believe.” Clare, hate to break this to you, but Juan Pablo’s not God, where you’ve never actually seen him, like, with your eyes, but you believe he’s there because of faith. Juan Pablo’s not some mysterious wind in the willows or the footsteps on the sand, or whatever. He’s there, he’s terrible, and you’re being dumb.
  • Clare takes a speed boat to meet Juan Pablo in a bird-filled grove. My nightmare! On every count! “This could be, like, the day my fairy tale comes true,” says Clare. She also thinks her dad would be “proud” of her participation in this charade. Meanwhile, Dad rolls over in his grave.
  • Aaaaand the dumpage begins. Even though Clare strikes me as being emotionally dumb as a box of hair, I am a human being with some modicum of empathy so I can’t help but shrivel inside while she’s speechifying at Juan Pablo about how much she loves him and he’s sort of smirking back at her, waiting for her to shut up so he can dump her. Juan Pablo reminds her that he’s been “honest from the beginning” about people going home. He abruptly tells her goodbye and tries to hug her and she pushes him away. Then she gets bitchy, FINALLY. She basically tells him he’s King of the Turds and that he led her on this whole time, but the big insult comes when she says she’d never want her kids to have a father like him. As she storms away, he keeps it classy by saying, “Oof, glad I didn’t pick her!”
  • In Clare’s tearful post-dumpage confessional, she reveals the shitty thing Juan Pablo said to her in the helicopter, which was, apparently, “I love f***ing you.” [Cue Countess Luann’s “Money Can’t Buy You Class.”]
  • Nikki, meanwhile, can’t wait to tell her mom she’s engaged. Doesn’t matter to whom! She just wants to be engaged! Any old man will do, even one who’s demonstrably awful!
  • Nikki shows up, prepared to be proposed to, and Juan Pablo tells her, considerately, that he has a ring in his pocket but he’s “not going to use it.” He asks her instead to accept his stupid final rose because, while he doesn’t want to marry her, he wouldn’t mind keeping her around. For a second she looks like she wants to smack him, but then she says “absolutely,” and takes it. [Cue Jeffrey Osborne’s “On the Wings of Love.”]

After the Final Rose

  • Everyone’s back at the studio for a good ol’ fashioned rehashing. Clare seems to have redeemed herself in the audience’s eyes by getting mad at Juan Pablo and bitching him out. Apparently she got “closure” from that and doesn’t want to rehash things with Juan Pablo. Fair enough.
  • Chris Harrison then talks to Juan Pablo and you could cut the tension with a cuchillo. Juan Pablo deploys everyone’s favorite helpful phrase, “it is what it is,” to explain his abhorrent behavior. He also snaps, “Can I talk?” and I’m sorry, but one does not speak to Chris Harrison that way. One simply does not. When Chris Harrison asks if Juan Pablo has regrets, he says, “It’s fine. No.”
  • Meanwhile, Nikki’s sad attempt to convince people that their “relationship” is “amazing” is fooling no one. She gazes adoringly at Juan Pablo as he says a bunch of lukewarm stuff about her and I wonder if she was lobotomized at some point during this process, because there is no other logical explanation for that weird smile on her face. She even smiles when Juan Pablo calls out Chris Harrison for interrupting him and the audience boos. [Cue Tammy Wynette’s “Stand By Your Man.”]
  • The best moment of the whole thing comes when, just before the commercial break, Chris Harrison peaces out entirely and leaves Juan Pablo and Nikki onstage to pretend to like each other and nuzzle unconvincingly.
  • The end of the show gets kind of meta, when Catherine delivers the Bachelor company line to Juan Pablo about not biting the hand that feeds you. Linda Holmes at NPR wrote a very good piece about what this was all about, and I think she nailed it.
  • Finally, we learn that Andi’s the next Bachelorette. Shock. As she’s speaking, I  realize that Andi’s voice reminds me of Zoe Chase from NPR’s Planet Money and that is decidedly not a good thing. However, she kinda looks like Julia Louis Dreyfuss, which inspires some misplaced affection for her in my heart. So this could go either way.

THE END.

See you at Bachelorette season, when I’ll be back on Previously.TV, opining away.

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Bachelorette Des, Week 2 (via Previously.TV)

Here’s this week’s post on Previously.TV, for your snarking pleasure.


Bachelorette Desiree coverage on Previously.TV

Hello, Bach(ette) fans! I’ll be covering this season’s fresh horrors for Previously.TV, an awesome new site about last night’s TV. Here’s my piece on Monday’s season premiere. Two words: FAIRY TALE. Enjoy.


Bachelor Sean: The Women Tell All

Hoo boy – I’ve been looking forward to this one all week, you guys. I am particularly looking forward to watching AshLee rip Bachelor Sean (BS) a new one. The Tierra stuff is less interesting to me, but I’m not NOT looking forward to it. And the rest I might fast-forward over. Anyway, as is my custom, I will be blogging this in bullet format, because the WTA does not deserve real paragraphs. Here we go!

  • Chris Harrison asks the near-hysterical studio audience what they think about Sean (answer: woo!) and what they think about Sean with his shirt off (answer: wooo!). Chris Harrison also reminds us that this is the “most dramatic season of the Bachelor… EVER.” Since Chris Harrison says that every season, I guess that means it’s true? Like, by definition? 
  • They do a dumb stunt where C. Harrison and BS show up to ppl’s Bachelor viewing parties and I am fast forwarding over it because who cares.
  • It’s time to meet “the ladies!” I have already forgotten half of them existed, so this is a good reminder.
  • Lesley, who I dislike so very much, tries to sound smart by using words like “lessening” but actually sounds dumb.
  • The women agree that Tierra faked her medical conditions. Brooke (one of the ones who I forgot existed) suggests that the other ladies are just envious they didn’t think of faking injuries. Touche, Brooke.
  • Now the EVIL VILLAINESS Tierra comes out. Can I just say, I think Tierra is icky and a faker and I wouldn’t want to share an airport shuttle with her, but the level of hate against this lady is sort of ridick. It’s a SHOW. She’s a dumb, manipulative weirdo who played all of that up because she was on a show that rewards that type of behavior. None of these other biddies ever have to spend time with her again, and 99.9% of Bachelor viewers will never be forced to interact with her, so what is the big effing deal? I ask you.
  • Tierra says she “lights up in a room” and she “bring[s] joy” into every gathering, but the other ladies judged her and thus crushed her “light.” Humble. She also rambles and looks around the room as she speaks and I keep expecting her to talk about the Asian countries and the Iraq.
  • Tierra Palin (TP) also says stuff like: “I think, you know, Sean put in my mindset as well, as you know, Tierra, focus on the prize. At the end.” Is this English? I’m serious.
  • Chris Harrison asks TP if she regrets anything or wants to apologize to anything and she says no and the audience groans.
  • The ladies all tell Tierra why they hate her. Every woman lists all of the times Tierra ignored her. This takes a while. What’s baffling to me is that they all seem really HURT by Tierra being rude to them. Unclear why any of this matters, at all. I mean, not just Tierra’s behavior, but this show in general. But if I go down that rabbit hole, then things are gonna unravel on this blog pretty fast.
  • The first “Sean and I’s connection” is dropped. By Tierra. The part of my soul that is responsible for grammar is flaking away by the second.
  • Next Chris Harrison walks us through the “battle” between TP and AshLee in St. Croix. AshLee and Tierra argue about whether Tierra called AshLee a “liar” or whether she just said that AshLee lied, because there IS a distinction, you guys.
  • After much prodding from Chris Harrison, TP offers a lukewarm apology and no one seems satisfied.
  • TP then brings up that she won “Little Miss Nevada,” which explains a lot, doesn’t it?
  • Finally, TP tells the world that she is engaged. To be married. Whaaaa?! TP explains that she is marrying a dude that she dated before coming on the show. Actual quote from TP: “So, I did the Bachelor and thought, you know, I could find my love here, and as soon as I got back, we rekindled things, that it was in God’s favor then, that’s how it worked out.” God’s favor? Stop.
  • Chris Harrison claims that “no one has touched America’s heart quite like Sarah.” Because she has one arm, I guess?
  • Sarah comes and sits on the hot seat. I am tempted to fast forward over this because honestly, who cares? Sarah is boring and she and BS did not have any discernible spark, and the only reason we are talking about her is because she has one arm. This is like reverse racism, you guys.
  • Sarah uses the phrase “lone and behold.”
  • Desiree’s turn in the hot seat. Booo-ring. Bring Des’s white trash brother out here and then we’ll have some watchable TV.
  • Prediction: Des is going to be the next Bachelorette. She is talking all winsome and humble like a Bachelorette. This is happening. MARK MY WORDS.
  • Finally, AshLee’s up. They replay all the embarrassing sh*t she said over the course of the season and if I were AshLee, I would run out of the studio out of humiliation. HORRIBLE.
  • BS comes out and AshLee asks him what happened. He tells her that she was his frontrunner but that he couldn’t really have fun with her. Ouch. AshLee looks at him like she wants to rip off his skinny tie and strangle him with it. To her credit, she does not try to argue that she is, in fact, fun. Even AshLee knows she’s not fun.
  • AshLee asks why BS made her go through the rose ceremony if he knew he wanted to send her home, and BS says he was falling in love with her, but… he doesn’t really give her an answer. AshLee asks why BS didn’t come and check on her after he sent her home (which implies that the pensive SUV does not actually drive all the way back to America), since he is a gentleman. BS looks confused and sort of like he wants to say, “I didn’t come to check on you because I don’t like you.”
  • AshLee asks why BS told her in the fantasy suite that he had no feelings for the other two women. BS denies saying this. AshLee insists he did say this. Things get tense. I can’t tell if AshLee is lying or if BS is lying. I feel like probably AshLee? Just because she seems to be walking that border between crazy and non-crazy. But I’m not sure. AshLee revises her statement and claims that BS said that there was “nothing between” him and the other two women. Silence descends in the studio. AWWWWKWAAARD.
  • They go to commercial and things feel anticlimactic. I wanted AshLee to claw BS’s eyes out.
  • Oh, but wait – there’s BEHIND THE SCENES footage of their conversation, which continued during the commercial break. Here’s how it goes: BS: I didn’t say that. AshLee: Yes you did. BS: No, I didn’t. AshLee: Yes, you did.
  • This debate is never satisfactorily resolved.
  • During the bloopers, we learn that BS does not know how to open a bottle of wine. Which is not shocking.
  • BS uses the term “blessed” and “amazing” to describe his “journey.” Barftastic.
  • Time to look back on BS’s final two ladies, Catherine and Lindsay!
  • BS claims that he and Catherine have the same sense of humor, “which is a little out there, a little weird.” I’ve already discussed how there is literally nothing “weird” about BS, but I think it’s cute that he thinks he’s “quirky” and “out there.” I suspect that BS’s definition of “out there” humor involves pulling lame pranks with the help of TV producers. And by the way, anyone with a sense of humor that is actually “out there” would not describe their sense of humor as “out there.”
  • Meanwhile, re: Drunk Lindsay, Sean says he “can” picture being with her forever. But he’s not making super definitive statements about her. I liked when they replayed the footage of drunk Lindsay being drunk. I liked her so much better back then.

Okay, that’s all she wrote. Next week is the finale slash “live, three-hour Bachelor Event.” I can’t hardly wait.


Bachelor Sean, Ep. 9

FANTASY SUITES. That is all I have to say about what’s going down this week. Let’s waste no time in diving in to this week’s episode of THE BACHELOR (Season 17).

BS and the “ladies” are in Si Kao, Thailand. BS stands awkwardly on the edge of a boat and then later sits down, because, come on. BS tells us he is “crazy about” all three of his remaining women: Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee. To help work out his feelings about them, he takes a long walk in a tank top and then lies in a hammock with his sunglasses perched on his head.

BS reflects on all of his women. First, there’s Catherine, who BS claims is “weird, nerdy, and goofy,” and so is he. Except he is clearly the opposite of all of those things. Next, there’s AshLee. He says that his relationship with AshLee is “probably the strongest.” Whoa, whoa, whoa – is AshLee gonna win this thing? I’ve been predicting her elimination every single episode thusfar and it keeps not happening and now I’m getting nervous that crazy, adopted, weepy AshLee is gonna take this. Finally, there’s Drunk Lindsay. BS says, “[Drunk] Lindsay and I have this spark that has turned into this massive flame.” BS then reflects on Drunk Lindsay’s drunk wedding dress entrance on night one. We’ve come a long way, Drunk Lindsay. BS says that initially, he worried that she didn’t have “depth or maturity,” but she proved that she is so much deeper than he thought. Except, has she? Has she, really, BS?

She's really mature, you guys.

She’s really mature, you guys.

BS and Lindsay’s date is up first. They take a moto tuk-tuk thing to a market, and Lindsay concludes that it is not much like Missouri. A trenchant observation, Drunk Lindsay. BS and Lindsay try some food and BS, in typical fashion, decides to “test” Lindsay by seeing if she’ll eat a bug. In her eagerness to please BS, she eats a bug. He better marry her now.

BS says, and I quote: “I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage.” Maybe talk to seventeen year-old divorcee AshLee about the wisdom of that statement, BS.

After the market, they go to a beach and BS says he loves how they can have fun “no matter what [they] do,” i.e., go on elaborate dates in beautiful resorts that they do not pay for. BS also tells Lindsay that she is the “best friend that [he’s] been looking for.” Is that good or bad? I feel like it’s bad, right? Later, they feed monkeys and, given my own recent experiences with monkeys, I feel nervous for them. Live in Africa or Asia long enough, and the gloss comes off monkeys, you guys.

Meanwhile, Lindsay hasn’t told BS she loves him because she’s “scared of getting hurt.” But she says she doesn’t want to regret “not putting everything out there.” Which means she’s going to give it up in the Fantasy Suite, I think. At dinner, BS tells her he had “so much fun” with her and Lindsay says she is “so blessed.” BS asks her if she’d move to Dallas and – surprise! – she says yes. I mean, what else does this chick have going on that she can’t leave Wayensville, MO for? What was her “career” again? Retail associate?

During dinner, Lindsay is plucking up the nerve to tell BS that she loves him, and she starts off by reassuring him that she takes the whole thing “serious.” Grammar! After prattling on and spewing many platitudes, Lindsay is just. about. to. say. it when some Thai dancers come in and kill the vibe. BS says, somewhat creepily, “Will you dance like that for me later?” Apparently BS has a real traditional Thai dance fetish.

The dancers finally leave and BS gives Lindsay the Fantasy Suite card, which Lindsay reads extremely slowly, because words can be hard. Lindsay accepts the offer, and BS says in a voiceover that it’s possible that he and Lindsay will look back and realize that tonight was the night they decided to spend the rest of their lives together. Meanwhile, as he says this, sort of porn-y music is playing.

In the FS, Sean tells Lindsay, again, that she “could be [his] best friend,” which is what he wants. Then, after an extremely long and awkward pause punctuated by giggles and “ums,” Lindsay tells BS she loves him. He responds by smiling wanly and kissing her. Every girl’s dream! They smash their lips together a few times and oh, I don’t think Lindsay is going to win.

AshLee’s date is up next. She jogs up to meet him in ANOTHER crop top. Enough with the crop tops, AshLee. You were a young newlywed when they were last popular – time to let it go. BS and Ashlee take a boat and do that standing on the edge of the boat thing again. Ashlee says Sean is her “true love” and that she is “vulnerable,” and that she loves him “more than words can express.” No, we get it. Words are expressing it.

BS notes that Ashlee does not like to step outside of her comfort zone so he wants to challenge her. Of course. Today the challenge is to swim through a cave to get to their “own private beach.” Ashlee doesn’t look psyched. Because remember, you guys, she’s afraid of being abandoned? Because she was adopted? Did you guys forget that? Because that’s what happened. Just in case you forgot.

BS wants Ashlee to be able to let go of control because he wants his wife to be able to trust him. A good way to build trust, of course, is to set up artificial obstacles for your potential wife to overcome for the sake of a TV show. As Ashlee and BS go into the cave, she says she is “more vulnerable than [she’s] ever been in [her] life.” Except for that time she was abandoned. Eventually, BS and Ashlee make it out of the cave (surprise) and BS says that he loves feeling like Ashlee’s protector. Gross.

They emerge onto what BS refers to as a “pitcheresque” beach and Ashlee says the experience is “life-changing.” Oh, Ashlee. They stand in the water and make out. Ashlee says that no “two human beings” belong together more than she and BS do. Oh, Ashlee. Then she says “every part of [her] being wants to be engaged to Sean.” Oh, Ashlee.

They sit down to dinner and Ashlee frets about spending the night with BS. She says she’s not willing to “morally put [herself] out there” if BS is screwing two other women. Which, fair enough. But I think if I were on this show, I’d probably accept the FS card and then just not sleep with the lead, and I’d say something on camera like, “Yes, I accept this FS invitation, but no funny business, mister.” Just so everyone would be clear. Why doesn’t Ashlee do something like that?

After some meaningless dinner conversation about how awesome each of them is, BS pulls out a FS card and gives it to Ashlee. Moment of truth. BS says he wants Ashlee to feel “at ease” and that his ideal FS night would be to stay “up all night, talking.” I kinda believe BS, actually. Ashlee is convinced, apparently, and says yes. Ugh, I think she’s gonna win, you guys. She’s playing this pretty masterfully… Until she tells BS what kind of ring she likes and what size her finger is. CRINGE!! No she di’nt!!!

Ashlee says “this man has literally healed my broken heart.” Two things: 1) that’s not what literally means, and 2) please stop referring to BS as “this man.”

Time for BS’s date with Catherine. They take a junk boat out on the water and do the Titanic thing on the prow. It was only a matter of time until someone did the Titanic thing, let’s face facts. They drink two giant glasses of wine and Catherine tells BS he wants to see her as “serious,” not just silly. Catherine strikes me as quite young. Like, way too young for BS. He apparently worries about the same thing: he says he wonders if she’s ready to settle down in Dallas. And, if you’ll allow me a mini-rant, this is one of the many reasons why this show is ridick: because the relationships are not a two-way street. In Bachelor world, if you’re gonna “win Sean’s heart,” you have to be willing to move to Dallas. There’s no compromise or discussion of a possible middle ground or consideration of people’s careers or families or whatever. But in real life, unless you’re a mail-order bride, this is not how a marriage relationship works. There has to be give and take. A real person is not a prize to be won, and one person doesn’t make all the rules and set all the conditions (i.e., if Bachelor Sean and the undersigned enter into a promise of marriage, the undersigned shall move to Dallas). But the entire premise of the show is built on this goofy idea of competing for one person and, in the process, bending one’s entire personality and life goals to meet that other person’s desires. It’s pretty sick, really.

Anyway, back to this nonsense. Catherine tells BS she would be willing to leave Seattle because she’s tired of it, and she’s pissed at her family. Which are both great reasons to get married and move away. BS asks her what makes her ready for marriage, and she answers that she was in a long term relationship with someone and thought she was ready  for commitment until she got scared, and then she understood that she wasn’t scared. BS does not seem super reassured, but he says that his mind has been “put at ease.”

BS and Catherine go snorkeling and then make out in the rain and Catherine says it’s romantic but it’s actually the opposite of romantic. At this angle, BS can be seen to be actually licking Catherine’s face. Can we get Arie in here to give him a refresher course?

They go to dinner and BS asks where Catherine would see them in five years. She said “we would obviously be married” and they’d probably have a kid. She says that she’s “pretty traditional,” despite being “the weirdest person.” What exactly is weird about her, again? That she has a nose ring?

BS tells Catherine that he could see himself marrying her, but I am not so sure. I am kinda feeling like Catherine might get eliminated this week, based on BS’s facial expression alone as she talks. Catherine gives BS a long spiel about how she didn’t want to accept the FS card because she wanted to be perceived as a lady, but now she realizes it’s not about that, it’s about spending time alone. (Naked.) Actually, this is the first season of the Bach in recent memory where the ladies have expressed any misgivings at all about accepting the FS card, which is sort of admirable, I guess? Except they all end up doing it anyway. Although, who knows, BS strikes me as a man of his word and maybe he’s not actually banging these ladies. Except then Catherine says that “being intimate tonight is very important.” Ew.

Catherine tells BS she is self-conscious about her body because she felt chubby for most of her life. Ugh, Catherine, come off it. You already have a sad dad and dead friend story. You don’t need to pile on with an eating disorder story, too.

The next day, BS wakes up, shirtless, and knows who he needs to send home. Chris Harrison and BS meet for a chat and Chris Harrison brings up, somewhat unnecessarily, how BS got his own heart broken by Emily in Curacao. Seems so long ago, doesn’t it, folks? BS tells Chris Harrison how hard it’s going to be to send this mystery lady home. Polygamy is hard, eh, Sean? To make matters worse, BS has to watch a “private video message” from each woman. Private, except that we also get to watch them. This reminds me of how before Al and I got engaged, I made him a video message and he had to watch it in a resort and then decide if he really did want to marry me. Because that’s a normal step in any relationship.

BS’s expression as he watches Lindsay’s bland video message is unreadable. At first he smiles, then he swallows nervously, and then he smiles again. During Catherine’s message, he looks serious, but smiles at the end. During AshLee’s message, which, shockingly, involves references to her difficult past and tears, BS wavers between a frown and a smile. Then Ashlee starts really crying on camera and BS goes into full-on frown. Ashlee, pull it together, woman. She seriously seems emotionally unstable, you guys. This behavior is not normal. Now BS is really frowning. Oh, whoa, is he gonna send Ashlee home?? Stop playing with us with these expressions, BS!!!

Rain falls on the day of the rose ceremony. I am suddenly overtaken by a craving for Thai food. I could really go for some pad see ew right now, you know? Anyway. Sean walks out and compliments the women on how they look and says he has an “amazing” week and that he is “so blessed.” Yadda yadda yadda. Then, oddly, he brings up the “painful memories” of being sent home by Emily in Curacao. I feel like he should be over that by now, but okay.

BS picks up the first rose and gives it to… Lindsay.

And the second, and final, rose goes to… Catherine!!

Ho, sh*t!!! I really did not see that coming. You GUYS. He’s sending Ashlee home!! Oh noooz! I feel sorry for her, because she said all that stuff! BS tries to walk her out but she storms ahead of him. Oh, man. Ohhh man. She tells him to stay put and she walks to the car. Her anger is sort of scary and for a sec I think she’s gonna hit him. He tells her that he felt that their relationship was intense but… he doesn’t really explain what went wrong. He tells her he hopes she knows where he’s coming from, but I kinda don’t? Did some bad stuff go down in the FS? To her credit, Ashlee doesn’t say anything and just gets in the pensive SUV. It’s always painful when they beg and plead. In the pensive SUV, Ashlee says that this “wasn’t a silly game” to her and it wasn’t about “laughter and having fun,” which, to be honest, is probably why she’s being sent home.

This is not about laughter.

This is not about laughter.

Well. What a dramatic conclusion to this episode. Next week is Women Tell All, which is always pretty fun. Then, in two weeks, “Sean’s journey to find love comes to a dramatic end.” Which kinda makes it sound like he dies, but probably not. I am sort of dismayed with  his final two ladies. First, they’re both WAY young (24 and 25, I think). Lindsay is as bland as a piece of dry toast, except when she’s drunk, and Catherine, I suspect, has hidden (or not so hidden) baggage, what with the Sad Dad and the Eating Disorder and the Disapproving Asian Family and all. So we’ll see how this resolves itself. Until next week!


The Bachelor, Episode 8

OMG, OMG, hometown dates, you guys!! I am so excited to see how these families react skeptically to Sean at first and then are organically won over by him within five minutes. And it’s all coming up tonight… on the Bachelor. Except this happened on Monday and now it’s Thursday. But whatever.

First up is AshLee, who is from Houston, Texas. She says she had no idea what true love before she met Sean. Oh, please stop, AshLee, I don’t want to actually feel sorry for you; it makes it harder to make fun of you. BS shows up in Houston wearing a cropped jacket and meets AshLee and her little dog in a park. BS says that he knows AshLee is “emotionally invested” but doesn’t actually say that he himself is emotionally invested. I feel like this isn’t gonna go well for AshLee, you guys. I’m calling it now. Also, is everyone cool if I stop capitalizing the L in the middle of her name? Kay, thanks.

Oh, guess what, you guys, both BS and Ashlee have reverends for dads. As they discuss their dads, Ashlee says a lot of stuff favorably comparing BS to her dad and he looks really uncomfortable and sort of changes the subject to say that she is beautiful and amazing and possesses “many great qualities.” Like such as.

Ashlee reminds us that she has “stepped out of [her] comfort zone to trust this man” and that he has convinced her that he is going to protect her heart. But is he going to GUARD and protect her heart? That’s the real question. She also tells BS that she’s excited to tell her parents that she finally knows what love is. Aaaand this is painful. I just want Ashlee to stop talking and spare herself a TINY shred of dignity. Just a tiny shred! That’s all!

They go to Ashlee’s parents’ house and she says she has been dreaming of this day since she was 4 or 5. But… the Bachelor wasn’t on 28 years ago.  Check your math, Ashlee. Her parents seem nice, and I like that her dad has a moustache and comes out with a drink in his hand. They sit down outside and her dad asks questions about the Bachelor “process,” and Ashlee tells them about the Polar Bear Plunge and inexplicably starts crying. Please, please stop, Ashlee.  I’m begging you. I think even her parents are embarrassed by her at this point. Mom and Dad seem increasingly uncomfortable, especially when Ashlee tells them that she and BS “rolled around in the sand” in St. Croix and that she told BS she loves him.

Mom takes BS aside and asks if he is going to break Ashlee’s heart and he says, “No, ma’am, that’s not my intention.” Which is pretty much as close as you can come to saying, “I am not going to pick your daughter.” Right? Mom and BS talk more about Ashlee’s tough childhood, which I don’t think we’ve heard quite enough about yet (not). Then BS sits down with Ashlee’s dad, who immediately asks BS if he’s in love with his daughter. BS says he’s “crazy about” Ashlee, which, I’ve noticed, is his standard response. He said that to TP right before he sent her home, for crying out loud. This guy’s crazy about everyone. BS then asks if Ashlee’s dad would be okay with BS proposing to Ashlee and Dad says something slightly creepy about realizing that he, as a dad, will eventually be “replaced” in his daughter’s life by her husband. Um? I mean, her dad seems like a nice man and he chokes up talking about how he adopted Ashlee, but then he brings it back to the weird place by saying that whatever man Ashlee marries will have to “fall in love with her” like he did. Except different, right, Ashlee’s dad? Because romantic love between a husband and wife is pretty different from the paternal love a father feels for his child?

At the end of the day, Ashlee says the day was “magical.”

Now it’s time for BS to be whisked away to Seattle to meet up with Catherine, who I think is my least worst favorite out of all of these duds. She’s okay, you know? They go to the Seattle fish market and BS catches fish. He’s shockingly good at it. Catherine catches a fish, too. Hoorah. Catherine and BS then “spontaneously” dance in front of a guy playing a banjo, who avoids eye contact with them.

BS says he feels like a “big kid” with Catherine. The Bachelor is contractually obligated to say that he feels like a “big kid” at least once per season. He is also legally obligated to say that at least one of the meticulously staged and produced dates he goes on with one of the contestants is just like “what we’d do on a normal Saturday, like a normal couple.”

Turns out Catherine’s family is Filipino. So is she half Filipina, half Chinese? Why is her dad in China? I need answers here. Anyway, Catherine brings BS to her family home and introduces him to her mom, grandmother, and two sisters, both of whom are intimidatingly pretty. They eat lumpia and I wonder what Catherine’s mom thinks about super whitebread BS. He seems game enough. He helps Mom roll lumpia and does some pushups with Catherine on his back while everyone looks on indulgently.

Catherine tells her sisters how much she loves BS and they are skeptical. One sister points out that it’s not always going to be fun and goofy with BS, which, thank you, is something I always want to tell these contestants when I watch this show. Your date to the Seattle fish market with cameras following you as you giggle together is not actually real life, turns out!

Next, the sisters sit down with BS. He asks them if Catherine’s ready to settle down and they basically say no, and that when the fun wears off of the relationship, she takes off. Not awesome. They also tell him she’s very moody and messy (which, incidentally, are some of the lyrics of the Ashlee Simpson song “Pieces of Me,” and don’t ask how I know that). Catherine’s mom, meanwhile, seems super down-to-Earth and basically tells BS he wants Catherine to stay true to herself and that she doesn’t want Catherine to be led on. I really like Catherine’s mom. In fact, I want to hang out with this family and eat lumpia with them, I’ve decided. Sean, on the other hand, is sad because Catherine’s mom did not give him her blessing to marry Catherine, and her sisters brought up generic, slightly bad things about her personality. He says that the night “did not go as planned” and that he doesn’t know “how to move forward with Catherine.” Ugh, this always happens on this show: the Bachelor or Bachelorette can never handle any amount of skepticism, however tiny, which any SANE and RATIONAL family SHOULD have in this situation. So Sean’s gonna write off this chick because her mom thinks it’s weird that her daughter is competing for him on a reality show, and because her sisters said she can be messy sometimes? Hmm. I do like, though, that the producers seem to be taking a different tack and letting the families feel their feelings instead of being brainwashed/fed lines suggesting that they suddenly have seen the light and love the lead after a few minutes of banal conversation.

Next, BS goes to meet Drunk Lindsay’s family in a small town in Missouri called  Waynesville, which kinda says it all. Apparently Lindsay’s dad is a two-star general. Linsday meets BS outside of a building covered in bunting and flags, and we get it, you’re an army brat. BS says that Lindsay gives him butterflies and that she brings out the kid in him. Blech. They go to an antiques store and a restaurant and BS says “this is more closely related to real life than anything else.” Okay. He also says that Lindsay has “the biggest heart” and that she is “ready to start a family.” Isn’t she like, 24? I guess in Waynesville that’s child-birthin’ age. BS asks Lindsay what he should call her dad and she insists that he should not call him General, and should “just call him Mark.” Uh, no, Lindsay. He should not “just call him Mark.”

Before they meet her family, Lindsay makes BS wear a mock turtleneck and olive green fatigues and she yells at him and makes him do pushups. I’m sensing a trend here. When BS is battle ready, they go to the army base that her dad runs and to Lindsay’s parents’ house. BS says that her dad’s job is to “mak[e] men,” and that he hopes Mark can see that he is a man. Fingers crossed, Sean!

Lindsay’s dad wears an uncomfortable smirk as he welcomes BS into his house. Lindsay notes that if her dad doesn’t like BS, it’ll probably be a dealbreaker. High stakes!

Lindsay’s mom, Lisa, asks to speak to BS and seems won over before she’s even spoken to him. She asks if BS is falling in love with Lindsay and he says, “I’m not in a position to say that.” Lisa says she likes that answer because it’s honest. Which I guess is true, but also, hi, he’s saying he doesn’t love your daughter. Lisa tells BS that even though Lindsay is only 24, she’s ready to settle down and have a family. We get it, she wants to pop out babies. MESSAGE RECEIVED.

Lindsay’s dad is not so easy to win over, at first. He says he doesn’t want to see his kid hurt (fair enough) and BS nods and says he doesn’t want to hurt Lindsay but he “sees the potential” in her. Then he asks Mark for his blessing. Mark replies that he doesn’t know if he has an answer. Then he talks about being a paratrooper. Finally, he relents and says BS has his blessing, as long as Lindsay says yes. At the end of the night, Mark gives Lindsay and BS some dog tags. So this visit went pretty well, all in all.

Next up is Desiree, who lives in LA. This is the disaster date promised in the previews! Can’t wait! Des shows up to the date wearing a muscle tee over a sports bra and yoga pants. Huh. Interesting choice. BS shows up in his salmon colored shorts and a color block shirt. These are their hiking outfits, we learn. Des says she wants their date to be like an “ordinary Saturday.” They “hike” along a paved road and look over a smoggy canyon. BS says this is “her in her natural element.”

Des brings BS to her apartment, so I guess her parents are zipping up the tent for the night and are coming over for dinner? As Des and BS are preparing dinner, a knock comes on the door and this guy in a plaid shirt walks in and Des goes, “What are you doing here?” Come on – she has to know why this guy is here. This is a prank, right? The guy tells Des that he loves her and everything he says sounds like scripted lines. He’s like, “I love you. We were together for two years.” It’s all exposition about their past. This is not how people talk. After a few tense moments, Des tells BS that it is, in fact, a prank, and the guy is an actor. Ugh, lame.

Bachelor-Sean-Pranks-Desiree-Video

Finally, Des’s parents, Roxanne and Tony, show up. Her brother Nate also comes. For living in a tent, they look decent. At first, everything seems to be going well. As per usual, the mom is impressed with the lead immediately because he’s handsome and seems “sweet.” Dad is also immediately won over. Oof, what is wrong with these people? Maybe their tent doesn’t get TV reception so they’re not familiar with the concept of the show? Brother Nate, however, is not into this. At all. He tells Des not to “fall for nobody.” He is aggressively anti-this whole thing, which, again, I appreciate, even though I actually think BS is, at heart, a nice dude.

Then Nate pulls BS aside for a one-on-one chat and everyone looks nervous. Nate tells BS that he thinks Desiree is into Sean but Sean is not into her. BS seems taken aback. He remains polite, because he is BS, and he says that he’s “crazy about” Des. Of course. Nate shoots back, “Crazy about a lot of girls, right?” BURN. BS admits that he doesn’t know which girl he is going to choose but when God tells him, he’ll know, or something. Nate tells BS that he thinks he’s a “playboy,” and BS insists that’s not him. BS is getting red-faced and flustered. But BS, come on, you’re dating four women. “Playboy” seems like sort of a mild term for what you’re doing. My impression of this whole exchange is that Nate actually doesn’t seem like a bad dude. He’s just trying to protect his sister from getting her heart broken on national TV and he’s going about it in sort of an unsubtle, slightly rude way. But BS seems deeply troubled by it. Deeply, deeply troubled.

Nate and BS come back in the house and Des starts crying and it’s uncomfortable. BS bites his lip and nods as Des’s dad talks about the weather. BS concludes that he is not sure he can picture himself in a family with Nate, since, you know, Nate didn’t instantly love him. Is BS really incapable of understanding where Desiree’s brother and Catherine’s mom are coming from? After BS leaves and Des and her parents tell Nate off. They all defend BS and for some reason, I find this scene really sad and poignant. No joke. Their family just kinda makes me sad. I hate that this show has the power to make me feel melancholy. Damn you, Season 17 of the Bachelor!!

The producers mix it up a little and give us a mid-show shirtless shot of Sean getting dressed for the rose ceremony. BS says he sees “question marks” about his future with Des and Catherine after their families failed to properly kiss his ass. So he sits down for a chat with Chris Harrison in a room littered with candles. When I say littered, I mean LITTERED. Candles everywhere. Major fire hazard. Anyway, BS says he’s “confused” and he has “no idea” who he wants to send home, but it’s going to be either Catherine or Des.

After they chat, Chris Harrison comes out to tell the ladies that they should be nervous, and they are. BS is about to hand out the roses when Des asks to speak to him alone. She apologizes to BS for how her brother acted, and starts crying. It’s uncomfortable. BS says it’s okay and gives her a hug, but doesn’t kiss her. Hmm. Catherine, meanwhile, says in a confessional that she is wondering what the hell is going on, and whether she should have pulled him aside. Which I think means she is not going home, because when would they have filmed that confessional? Right?? RIGHT?

AshLee gets the first rose, which is kinda surprising. I thought she was gonna go home before I saw this episode, you know? Lindsay gets the next one. And, finally, after a long, glazed-eye stare, BS puts the rose down, lowers his head dramatically, and walks out of the room. That music that they play on Intervention (not the happy, post-rehab music, the pre-rehab, throes-of-addiction music) plays as BS pores over the women’s photos.

BS walks back in and gives Catherine the final rose. Des looks sad slash pissed. I do feel bad for her, even though the entire concept of this show is ridiculous. It actually makes me sad to think that her relationship with her brother might now be ruined because of this dumb show. Hopefully they’ll get over it, because this. sh*t. is. not. real.

BS walks Des out and they sit on a bench and he tells her that she has “every quality” he’s looking for in a wife and he kinda worries he’s making a mistake by sending her home. Desiree tells him she does think he’s making a huge mistake and that she could make him the happiest out of all the contestants. BS looks like maybe he might be swayed, but maybe he’s just uncomfortable. Hard to tell. After a long pause, he walks her to her pensive limo. He tells her he’s going to miss her and ugh, this is SO PAINFUL. Just say goodbye and be done with it. Either you want to marry her or you don’t. It’s that simple. They hug for a really long time and whisper things and then, finally, Des gets into the pensive limo. Sad string music plays as she drives off the Bachelor Manse property.

In her pensive limo, Des says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do about her life, which seems a liiiittle dramatic. Maybe look up that actor that played your fake ex-boyfriend? Just spitballing here.

So apparently, there’s a sit-down with BS called “Sean Tells All,” and I have it in my iTunes queue, but I have done too much blogging for today, so I think I am just gonna watch it without typing. But never say never. So, until next week, probably, when we are treated to a window into the “romantic overnight dates.” FANTASY SUITE TIME. See you then!


Bachelor Sean, Ep. 7

Hello Bachelor addicts – this post is coming almost a week late because I was on safari and turns out you can’t blog in the bush. The good news is, I narrowly avoided being eaten by lions, returned to civilization, and am now able to catch up on the three (!!!) episodes that I’ve somehow missed in the last week. You’re killing me, ABC. So, without further ado, here’s Episode 7, for your reading pleasure. Programming note: I watched the first half of this episode with my husband, so his occasional comments are included, when funny/trenchant enough for my readers.

BS and the “ladies” are in “San Croix” this week (is that how it’s said or does BS just have a speech impediment? Shouldn’t it be “Saint Croix?”). The episode opens with an obligatory sea plane landing on the water. The “ladies” stay at a rather down-at-heel resort with brown curtains, which my husband notes looks like a Garden Inn. AshLee spews a series of non-sequitors about wanting to be outside and wanting to fall in love. Tierra Palin decides to drag out a fold-out bed in a separate room from the rest of the women so that she can “keep focused on Sean.” Which makes sense. Side note: has anyone else noticed she says “with” as “wit?”

AshLee gets the first one-on-one date and Tierra shoots her death rays. By the by, methinks AshLee is too “emotionally carried away” by BS at this point in the “journey.” Lady needs to dial the love and soul-mate talk back a little bit and remind herself that she is a contestant on The Bachelor, Season 17. Tierra Palin calls AshLee a cougar because she is THIRTY-TWO, which is, like, SO ANCIENT, you guys.

BS comes to pick up AshLee and describes her as having “the biggest heart,” which I think means he does not like her. They take a catamaran to a private island (a date which has NEVER been done on the Bach before, except for those other fifteen times) but guess what? There’s a TWIST. They have to SWIM out to the catamaran (which is approx. 30 feet away). AshLee somehow manages to connect this challenge to being abandoned as a child? I don’t know, I wasn’t totally listening. Later, BS and AshLee “spontaneously” jump off the back of a boat.

On their date, BS asks AshLee whether the dramz has subsided with Tierra and AshLee, like an idiot, lets fly. Rookie mistake, AshLee. NEVER talk to the lead about another girl. Rule number one. BS says he is “grateful” for AshLee telling him about Tierra Palin, which is interesting.

BTW, AshLee is embarrassing herself with all of these gooshy confessionals where she says how much she lerves Sean. It’s also embarrassing for everyone when she and BS do the From Here to Eternity making out in the sand thing. Except it’s more like from here to next week when AshLee inevitably gets sent home.

At dinner, AshLee wears an awkward belly shirt and plays with her hair. BS says he “can’t imagine anything going wrong at this point.” Which I sense means something’s about to go wrong. After much torturous hemming and hawing, AshLee tells BS she has a confession to make and that fifteen years ago, she got married (i.e., she got married as a seventeen year old). She starts crying and acting like she just told BS she murdered someone. BS, to his credit, looks amused. Because come on. It’s funny. She explains that she got married because she didn’t want to fight with her mom anymore, which was probably not the most solid plan, but let’s cut her a break: she was seventeen. And she’s dumb. Anyway, BS says that it’s not a big deal and tells her not to stress about being a seventeen year old divorcee. Then they “spontaneously” scream “HELLO ST. CROIX” into the distance. Then, unbidden, AshLee yells “I LOVE SEAN.” BS does not reciprocate and yell “I love AshLee” into the void. AshLee, meanwhile, says she’ll “never stop telling” BS that she loves him. So is she gonna write him letters, or send emails, or how’s that gonna work?

Next date is for Tierra Palin and oh dear, she’s getting the obligatory dancing-with-local-children date. She is disappointed it’s not a boating date. Womp womp. Cue to footage of BS and TP strolling through “ethnic market.” Guess what? Shopping is one of Tierra’s favorite things to do. And shopping with BS is “amazing,” she tells us, because he bought her jewelry. My husband says. “Really? It’s amazing? Because he bought you a conch necklace and a bracelet made out of wire?”

By CHANCE, TP and BS walk in on a “spontaneous” local parade with people on stilts and women wearing sequins and feathers! My husband points out that when this was filmed, it was only six months until Carnaval, so, sure. BS and TP are the only white people in evidence but they blend right in with the “colorful” locals. TP tells BS she is the “happiest girl ever.” Don’t force it, TP.

BS thinks TP is being “fun” and “sweet” but he still has questions. Important questions. When BS asks her about her relationships with the other women, TP tells him that the other girls exclude her, and for once, I don’t think BS is buying it.

For dinner, they eat at an abandoned sugar mill. Romantic? TP tells BS that she “did feel there was a little distant from [him].” Which I don’t think is totally English. BS frowns and nods politely as TP tells him this. TP says in a confessional that she is pissed that she was “thrown under the bus” by AshLee so she decides to get back on top by telling BS a bunch of weird stuff about how she’s falling in love with him. He seems underwhelmed. Aaaand I predict TP is going home real soon.

For the group date, BS surprises the ladies by taking unflattering photos of them in bed with no makeup on. Then, they load into a van and go to Point Udall to see the sunrise. Desiree says the sunrise is “beyond worth it.” A crappy map of St. Croix is superimposed over footage of the “ladies” and BS driving around the island. Desiree makes her scrunchy face at BS as he drives but he doesn’t seem to notice, maybe because he is keeping his eyes on the road? They go to a legitimately cool treehouse in the middle of the forest, where Desiree hogs BS’s time and the other girls mope around.

Later, BS tells Drunk Lindsay how he appreciates her “depth.” Not the first word I would choose to describe Drunk Lindsay, but okay, BS. They make out and their mouths mash together and it’s awfulllll. You all know how I feel about mouth noises. After that, BS and Catherine play with a conch shell on the beach (sure are a lot of conch shells in this place) and Catherine looks moody. Then she pulls out her “sad dad” story, which we all knew was coming eventually. There’s one on every season. Catherine’s sad dad is a depressed man who lives in China. Apparently he tried to kill himself in front of Catherine and her sisters (what??!) and was “immediately taken away” to China. This is worse than her story about seeing her friend killed by a tree. Way to step it up, Catherine.

Finally, poor, scrunch-faced, pigeon-toed Desiree goes on a walk with BS on the beach and, as my cousin pointed out in an email, it looks difficult for her. Because of the pigeon toes. Desiree cries for no apparent reason because she loves her family so much? Oh, brother. Desiree, get a depressed Dad in China and then you can cry. She says: “My family is so special in so many ways because I look up to them… They’re so simple yet so happy.” Um, remember how they raised you in a TENT? Have you forgotten about that? At this point, I’m hoping warning bells are going off in BS’s head about the fact that Desiree aspires to emulate her parents, who, it must be repeated, RAISED HER IN A TENT.

And BS gives the rose to… Lindsay. Shock! My husband wanders over during the rose-giving moment to comment that Lindsay has “crazy eyes.” Indeed.

Next, BS goes on a pensive walk in pink shorts while he waits for his one-on-one date with DC Lesley, who is the absolute worst. BS admits that his relationship with DC Lesley is not where it needs to be – ruh-roh! I don’t think Lesley knows this, by the way. They go to Mt. Washington Plantation and Lesley says it’s “like Sean and I’s private paradise.” So we’ve got the terrible grammar and the paradise reference in one go. Impressive!

Lesley tells BS that when he meets her family, they will go to her lake house and it will be “literally the best time ever.” High bar, Lesley. Then she tells BS that she thinks they have “crazy, raw, mad passion,” (barf) and then trails off, because she has nothing else to say. This exchange is making me feel so awkward that I’m avoiding eye contact with the TV.

Later, BS asks his sister Shay for advice on which member of his harem to marry, because she is in St. Croix, for some reason. Also, she is a role model to him because she’s married. BS tells her that he can “see the possibility of marriage with all of them,” but one in particular does not stand out. Which is probably not great. Shay tells BS that their family is concerned he is going to get hurt and warns him against picking the bad one (Tierra. Duh).

Meanwhile, back at the house, tension is building between Tierra and AshLee, who has done her hair in a bouffant ponytail for sitting by the pool. TP confronts AshLee and accuses her of “sabotaging” TP’s relationship with BS. AshLee retorts by telling TP that she is rude because she doesn’t say good morning at breakfast. Tierra says that she’s not rude; she’s just too mature for the other girls, and THAT’s the problem, okay? The word “character” is thrown around a lot. TP also claims that she acts differently around BS because “girls are jealous” and “men love me.” Ick. TP then brings up, again, the fact that AshLee is 32 years old, which is like saying she is 100 million years old. The fight devolves into TP and AshLee yelling each other about “sabotage” and “character” and “throwing [people] under the bus.” I am confused about why AshLee is so bothered by TP being rude to her. Who cares? Why does it matter? Were they going to be lifelong friends if Tierra had been more friendly at breakfast? At one point, AshLee accuses Tierra of raising her eyebrow at her and Tierra yells, “I can’t control my eyebrow!” This argument is maybe not super constructive.

Meanwhile, BS decides to grab Tierra so that she can meet his sister and they can talk their issues out. BS finds Tierra crying dramatically on her cot. He asks her what’s going on and she pulls a full-on Nancy Kerrigan (“WHHHYYYY???”). BS tells her he wants her to meet someone and she whines, “Whoooo?” BS looks like he wants to slap her upside the head. And at this point, no one in America would blame him. TP tells BS — for the second time — that she has “such a big heart” but that she doesn’t know how to handle this process. BTW, these are the fakest tears I’ve ever seen. She is not even a good fake crier! If this is the card she’s gonna play, she needs to get better at simulating the waterworks.

She was better at faking hypothermia

She was better at faking hypothermia

BS goes for another pensive, pink-shorted walk to contemplate Tierra’s tantrum. He says he cares about her so it’s hard for her to watch her upset. But at the same time, he is keeping in mind his sister’s wise words not to pick the crazy b*tch, so… dilemma. Resolute, BS walks back into Tierra’s cot room and sits down and tells her he wanted to introduce her to his sister and she summons up some more crocodile tears. BS tells her that he understands the process has been difficult for Tierra and that he is “crazy about” her but that he thinks she should go home. Dang! TP didn’t see this coming. Biggest strategic backfire in Bachelor history ever?

BS tells her he’s sorry and she fake cries some more. Then he walks her out and sad music plays. He asks her if she’s going to be okay and she says “no” and she has a look on her face like she wants to murder someone, maybe BS? He tells her he thinks the world of her and she says “obviously not enough.” Oh, jeez.

TP has one of the worst pensive limo rides breakdowns I’ve ever seen with BIG FAKE SOBS and whining about how she “can’t believe they did this to [her].” I guess suggesting that the other women made her into the terrible person she is? How does that work, exactly? TP wipes away her fake tears and says she is going to be fine because she’s strong. Anyway, she adds, she told herself that no one would take her sparkle away and no one did. So there.

BS goes back to find his sister and tells her that he sent TP home. She seems cool with it.

Cocktail party time. The “ladies” don’t know what happened with TP and BS. They speculate about what happened and use big words like “manipulations” and “sabotage.” BS walks in looking more dapper than usual and tells the women that he sent TP home and all the women try to suppress grins of glee. BS tells them he’s not looking for drama in a partner and gives AshLee a significant look. Uh oh, AshLee. You messed up big time. BS also says he reached clarity about the decision he’s making tonight and that there won’t be a cocktail party. Oh, sheez, he’s going straight to the rose ceremony. This is making me nervz!!

The ladies then begin the long march into the Rose Chamber, where a somber Chris Harrison welcomes them. This is a big rose ceremony, Chris Harrison explains, because the four who leave with roses will take BS home to meet their families. Since Lindsay already has a rose, she’s definitely going on a hometown date, but the rest are on the chopping block. I have to think Lesley is the weakest link here. I’m rooting for her to get shipped back to DC, where all of the nerds she dissed on national TV will continue to spurn her.

Roses go to: 1) Desiree, 2) Catherine, and 3) AshLee. AshLee says, “This is my husband,” after getting her rose. I think she means BS and not the rose. But unclear, really. Anyway, this all means DC Lesley is going home, as I predicted. Yesss. BS walks Lesley out and Catherine starts crying for some reason. Wait, what? Catherine says, “If he doesn’t want Lesley, then I don’t know why I’m here.” Again, what? Catherine explains that her “beliefs are shattered about what [BS] wants.” How many drinks have these women had?

DC Lesley, meanwhile, says she doesn’t know how she is going to recover from this heartbreak. Um, by giving it a week or so? And lowering your standards?

Next week is hometown dates, y’all. Looks like Desiree’s brother threatens to hit BS! But, I mean, he grew up in a tent, so let’s cut him some slack.

See you next week.


Bachelor Sean Ep. 3

Welcome to Episode 3 of this, the longest and perhaps – PERHAPS – most boring season of The Bachelor yet.  This episode, like all episodes, opens with a shirtless Sean working out in his Bowflex home gym. And you know what? I’m sick of it. Really. Don’t want to see it anymore. We GET it – he has several rows of abs and likes to do treadmill workouts. Nooooted.

Lesley M (DC) gets the first date. Ew. They go to the Hollywood Guinness Hall of Records or something and gawk at life size models of short people and fat people. Turns out Sean’s dad set a world record for driving the contiguous 48 states in 97 hours, which is certifiably crazy, if you stop and think about it.  BS and Lesley’s date revolves around trying to set the record for the longest onscreen kiss.  The record to beat is a measly three minutes, fifteen seconds. They start to kiss and watching it makes me feel uncomfortable and squicked out, and not just because I don’t like Lesley, but because I’m starting to think I don’t actually like this show.  Wait, no, that can’t be right.  It must just be Lesley.  Anyway, the whole thing is foul.  Representative quote from BS: “Lesley is a great kisser. She’s working her hands.”  Also, Sean is OFFICIALLY not moving his mouth during this kiss.  I think the Guiness guy even made a note of that in the record book.  When it’s over and they break the record, BS says it was “hot,” “passionate,” and that he “loved it.” Methinks he doth protest too much.

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At dinner, Lesley says that she was a “nerd” in high school. Aha, so she’s a self-loathing nerd! This explains a lot.  Then, following in the proud tradition of every Bachelor contestant on this season, Lesley talks about how her parents have a perfect marriage and are so in love and blah blah blah. Then she kisses BS and says afterwards, “How was that for taking control?” Why does she always have to follow every kiss with BS with a comment where she essentially narrates what she just did? (“I just kissed you.”) BS gives her a rose anyway. Before he gives it to her, she says “Ah yes, the elephant in the room.” She is the worst, right? Why does BS like her? He says she’s “so sexy, so smart, so funny.” Funny? … Her?

It’s time for the group date, in which the “ladies” are broken into two teams to play volleyball. They’re told that the winning team will get to hang out with BS while the other team will be sent home in tears.  Daniella says that this is “literally [her] worst nightmare.” Taryn says it’s “the most important game of [her] life,” because her “heart” is riding on it.  Hopefully the producers brought along ceremonial swords so that Taryn can commit hari kari in the event that she loses this most important of beach volleyball games.

Both teams suck at volleyball, but one sucks marginally less, and wins. Kristy, the model, cries because she “just wanted time with” BS.  Daniella says that “tonight could have been amazing,” because she wanted to show Sean her “romantic, serious side.” They go back to the house and Kristy continues to cry.  Then Leslie H. starts crying. Seriously?

Meanwhile, on the group date, Lindsay (Wedding Dress Girl!) gets some alone time with BS.  I’ve noticed that the less drunk Lindsay gets, the less I like her.  She tells BS that he’s “everything [she’s] looking for” and that she wants to be able to give him a look and have him know what she’s thinking.  So she wants him to be a psychic detective, basically.

Desiree irritates me, I’ve decided. She scrunches her face up too much and talks in an affected, babyish way and you all know how I feel about baby talk in grown women. She also claims she’s “spiritual.” Oh, stop.

Amanda, who is rapidly developing into one of the stock villainesses of this season, tells BS she will bring “such a light, airy, fun atmosphere” to their hypothetical relationship, despite acting like Vampira, Queen of the Vampires to all the other girls in the house. Desiree listens in on this convo and scrunches her face up in anger.  Desiree does NOT like Amanda.  And the feeling is very much mutual, you guys.

Kacie B., meanwhile, tasting blood in the water, decides to tell BS that drama is stirring between Desiree and Amanda, thinking this will give her an advantage with Sean, somehow.  Which is, quite obviously, stupid.  Kacie then gets BS alone and tries to place herself in the middle of the conflict between Desiree and Amanda but it’s unclear how she actually fits into that situation at all.  Here’s a snippet of verbatim dialogue between her and BS:

  • Kacie: I don’t feel like it’s my place, but at the same time, it’s going to come between us if I don’t say something.
  • BS: Mm hmm.
  • Kacie: I’ve been caught between a rock and a hard spot in the house, and um, it’s between two girls, and it’s been between Desiree and Amanda. Desiree has felt that there is something negative in Amanda that she needs to stay away from, but Desiree and I are friends, so it’s put me in the middle, cuz Desiree’s confided in me, but yet, I don’t want there to be – there was just different dynamics betwen the two, and I didn’t understand it at all, and I can’t be myself.

First of all, none of that makes sense.  Seriously, take a second and re-read what Kacie said. Straight up jibber-jabber.  Second of all, why did an experienced Bachelor franchise veteran like Kacie B think this would help bring her closer to Sean? Everyone knows the dudes always hate the tattle-tales in the house and love the crazy, backstabbing a**holes.  Come on, Kacie. Have you learned nothing from your eight previous appearances on The Bachelor?

BS looks perplexed when Kacie B is talking and then, quite reasonably, asks her why she is telling him this.  Kacie, after a long pause, in which we can see the gears turning frantically in her head, says she had to tell him (despite not WANTING to tell him, of course) what was going on because she is “stuck in the middle” and “hurt.” She insists, however, that she’s not a “drama person.” BS is clearly not buying it. He asks, “Why are you involving yourself?”  Kacie does not have a good answer.  In the end, BS tells Kacie to act like Kacie and not like a “crazy person.”  I think I’m falling a little bit in love with Sean right now, you guys.  When it comes time to give out the rose, BS gives it to Lindsay, and Kacie laughs in a really fake, creepy way.  Wow. Lady seems a bit unhinged, am I right?

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Next, AshLee, the professional organizer, gets a one-on-one date with BS.  BTW, can we question why she is constantly squinting at the camera like that? She’s doing the face that J-Lo does on the red carpet, which works for J-Lo on the red carpet, but doesn’t work in almost any other imaginable context.

As AshLee is getting ready for her date, Tierra takes a (staged) tumble down the stairs just as BS is walking in.  Convenient.  Tierra fakes a head injury and doesn’t respond to Sean’s questions, which Sean, drawing on his vast medical knowledge, determines means she has a concussion.  Even though I’m pretty sure ignoring someone while dramatically holding one’s head is not a recognized symptom of a concussion,  paramedics respect Sean’s esteemed medical opinion and come to take Tierra away to the hospital. But suddenly, Tierra beings to talk and says, “This is so stupid” and “I want to be left alone.”  I think AshLee is right on the money when she suggests that Tierra knows if she goes to the hospital the medical professionals are going to see that she has a serious case of the Fakes. The paramedics, who I’m sure LOVE being called to the Bachelor manse for no reason every season, advise Tierra, politely, that she’s a turd, and leave.  Sean comes over to talk to Tierra and offer her sympathy for her devastating injury, and she’s all smiles.

Finally, AshLee gets to go on her one-on-one date. BS says he wants to see if AshLee has “some kid in her,” which sounds like he wants to administer a crude pregnancy test. For their date, they go to an amusement park and let two young girls with chronic illnesses come along with them.  At the end of the day, they get treated to a private concert by The Eli Young Band, which BS is contractually obligated to refer to as his “favorite band.”

At dinner, AshLee takes the time to unburden herself and tell BS about her troubled past. AshLee tells BS she was abused by a foster family but then got adopted by a loving family, etc. and next thing you know, BS gets all weepy. Whoa, BS! Man tears!  Shades of Jake Pavelka over here! Except probably genuine.

At the end of the date, BS gives AshLee a rose and she says in an ITM that she’s “falling in love” with him and that she is contemplating spending the rest of her life with him, which may be just a tad premature. Then the Eli Young Band pops up again to play one of their hottest popular hits, which we are all familiar with. BS and AshLee make out while swaying back and forth.

Aaaand time for the final cocktail party, FINALLY.  In summary:

  • BS summons Sarah, the one-armed girl, outside.  She starts crying because she thinks she’s being sent home when a limo drives up… but, surprise, her dog is in the limo!  Um. Does it make me a bad person to suspect that BS is only doing this for Sarah because she has one arm?  Like, don’t other girls have dogs? And stuff? Is this a pity dog limo?
  • Tierra and BS talk and she claims her back hurts.  But she is interrupted by Desiree….
  • Who talks in a baby voice and kisses Sean. But then Tierra comes back and “steals” BS again…
  • Aaaand this keeps happening, and it’s incredibly boring.
  • General freaking out occurs over all the “stealing” of Sean that’s afoot.
  • Kacie B, poor haggard thing, knows she effed up on the group date and wants to make up for it, so she apologizes to BS and says she’s “ready to move forward.”  BS says that they took a couple steps backwards — and just before Kacie B can answer, they are interrupted by AshLee and Selma (who I think has had some serious lip injections, btw). Kacie B shoots daggers with her eyes. Drunk daggers.

Okay, rose ceremony time. Before he hands out the roses, BS asks to speak to Kacie alone.  He tells her that he has “way too much respect” for her to make her stand through another rose ceremony when he thinks they’re “better off as friends.”  Oh, dang. I knew this was gonna happen eventually but Kacie B really hastened her demise with that ill-conceived sh*t disturbing, didn’t she?  In her pensive limo ride, she says she has a great life and wants to find someone who can join her in it, but it’s “just not Sean right now.”  Or ever, Kacie B. Come on.

Back to the rose ceremony. Tierra gets the first rose, because Sean is an idiot. Then: Leslie H., Catherine, Daniella, Robyn, Selma, Sarah, Jackie, Amanda, aaaaand, finally, Desiree. So Kristi and Taryn are going home. Taryn says that she “would have loved to have been married, but that’s not my card.” Oh no, Taryn, you lost the most important volleyball match of your LIFE and now you’ll never get married. Way to doom yourself to a life of spinsterdom by missing that one spike.  Kristy says she wishes she would have fallen in love at the Bachelor manse because it would have been “a fairy tale.” And at this point, I’ve run out of energy to even make a joke there. Just make it yourself.

See you next week.


Bachelor Sean, Episode 2

The Bachelor wastes no time this week jumping into a shot of Bachelor Sean (BS) working out with no shirt — AGAIN.  I think even we heterosexual ladies are a little ab’d out by now, ABC. Enough already. After some close-ups of Sean rinsing his hair while staring pensively into space, we jump to footage of Chris Harrison reminding the ladies that BS is the “most sincere Bachelor” ever. Which is a really low bar.

The first one-on-one date goes to Sarah, the one-armed girl.  The other ladies have to pretend to be happy for her because she has one arm and they feel that they can’t be bitchy to her (yet). Guess what she gets picked up in for her date? A HELICOPTER.  Kacie B. is shocked by this, because she has never seen a helicopter before! Except for that other time she was on the Bachelor. Soaring music plays as the helicopter takes off. Sarah may have one arm but she has two butt cheeks and Sean finds one of them and puts his hand on it.

In another completely unprecedented Bachelor move, BS and Sarah go to the top of a tall building, where BS tells her they’ll be free-falling down to the ground (300 feet).  This should be surprising to no one.  It wouldn’t be a real Bachelor date if there weren’t some combo of helicopter, tall building, champagne, and the word “amazing.” But I’ll admit, this date is legit scary.  Sarah screams the entire way down, which is embarrassing for her.

For the dinner portion of their date, BS and Sarah drink wine and Sarah tells BS a story about how she wasn’t allowed to go zip-lining in Las Vegas because she was disabled.  She says the experience taught her that she needs a strong man in her life to help her handle those situations. Wait, what? That’s the lesson in that story? Sigh.

At dinner, Sean asks Sarah about her ex. She says they broke up because she wanted someone more spontaneous and adventurous. Which is the opposite of Sean, basically.  Right? I mean, at base, he seems like kind of a boring, nice guy. Speaking of boring, BS then takes Sarah to another roof to give her a rose and they share a boring, chemistry-free kiss. Nonetheless, Sarah says this is the most “amazing date of [her] entire life” and she feels like she’s falling in love with him. Oh, Lordy.

Group date time. The ladies say “wooo” a lot and clink mimosa glasses in a limo. Tierra establishes herself early on as kind of a brat, doing a series of snaps in the air and saying that she doesn’t want anyone getting in her way. [Legal notice to Tierra: only Beyonce may use snaps.  Please discontinue your use of all snaps and snap-related arm movements upon receipt of this notice.] The limo drives up to a “castle,” and, true to form, Selma describes Sean as “a Prince Charming.”  Not just “Prince Charming,” which would be bad enough.  It’s worth noting that this is the second time in recent Bachelor memory that someone has used the term “a Prince Charming.” Which implies: a) the existence of multiple Prince Charmings, plural, and b) that these women are morons.

For the group date, BS and the ladies act as cover models for Harlequin romance novels.  “Woo”s all around. Also, the ladies are turning against Tierra, who, I have to say, has soooort of a harsh face. Like, both in the sense that she has sort of a nasty look on her face, but also that it’s sort of weather-beaten. Is that mean? Meanwhile, Sean thinks Tierra is “sweet.” Which pretty much comes down to the fact that she laughs a lot and overpronounces words. 1 +1 = 2.

Oh my God, also, before I forget, can we talk about how Tierra has the same face as Sarah Palin? Once you see this, I promise you won’t be able to unsee it.

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Spooky, eh?

Things that happen during the photo shoot: Diana rips Sean’s shirt off and pronounces the word ideal “i-dill;” DC Lesley (who sucks) kisses BS on the lips; Tierra gives a crazy evil eye to pretty much everyone in her immediate vicinity; Kristy uses the word “ecstatic” too many times then paws Sean like a tigress; Tierra uses the phrase “I’m here for Sean” and then speaks about herself in the third person.

Kristy, the professional model, wins the competition. Probably since it was a modeling competition. After, Sean takes the crestfallen ladies to a pool party. Kacie B, who is looking sort of bedraggled, says she wants to explore what she and BS have. Which, as far as I can tell, is nothing.

Meanwhile, BS is “connecting” with DC Lesley — horrible, horrible DC Lesley — who proves definitively that she is from DC by being really socially awkward. Which BS finds “cute,” since he has probably never met an awkward lady from DC before.  Sean needs to come hang out at a law firm cocktail party sometime; he’d find everyone adorable.

BS then cycles through the other ladies, but Lesley goes back for more. The other women are not psyched. Lesley takes charge and kisses BS for like five seconds and then says, “I just wanted to leave you with that.”  Then she adds, “Short and sweet, just like that.  Leave you wanting more.” Stop talking, Lesley.

Now it’s Kacie B.’s turn, who says she “never” expected to be back on the Bachelor again.  SO surprising, right guys? Given that she’s only been on two other Bachelor series so far.  Methinks Kacie B. is laboring under the delusion that the only way to date men is by going on TV shows.  What’s she gonna do if things don’t work out with Sean? Wait until Season 18 of the Bachelor rolls around? Unless she can get herself booked on Rock of Love IV in the meantime, that means she’s probably only going to go on one date next year.  Kacie B., understandably desperate for this to work out, asks Sean if he sees her as a friend and he says he wants to “explore whatever this is.”  Kacie B., who apparently speaks another language, interprets this comment as moving her from “friendzone to girlfriend zone.” Also, not to be judgmental, but she’s slurring her words like a drunk when she talks to the camera.

Catherine (graphic designer from Seattle) tells BS she’s vegan but she loves the beef. Ew. Is she taking over the inappropriately sexy Asian lady role on this season’s Bachelor? Remember the Cambodian woman on Jake’s season who said to him, in Cambodian, “Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime?” Because I do.

Anyway… Selma’s awful, huh?

Tierra finally gets some alone time with BS, who has noticed that she “looked bothered” after the photo shoot. Tierra gives him some crap line about how she’s “guarded” and outside of her comfort zone. She’s thisclose from using the term “protecting my heart.”  I can feel it. Sean reassures her that he likes her. Bluh bluh bluh.

Katie, the yoga instructor with 80s hair, seems like one of the more normal girls on the show because she feels uncomfortable. But like… is it fair to ask why she came on the show? At this point, Season 17 of the Bachelor, shouldn’t you have an idea of how this show goes? It probably shouldn’t come as a shock that there will be other women in the Bachelor manse and that they will most likely be terrible. But Katie seems really thrown off by the whole thing, so she goes to tell BS that she’s not adjusting well and that she wants to go home. Welp. There goes Katie.

At the end of the night, BS gives the rose to Kacie B. because it’s “not easy to go through this twice.” So this is explicitly a pity rose. Good for you, Kacie. Play to your strengths.

For BS’s next one-on-one date, he takes out Desiree for a date that’s arranged around a lame prank. While explaining the prank to BS, Chris Harrison uses the word “supposably.” The idea is that Desiree and BS go to an art gallery and one of the “priceless pieces of art” falls and Desiree is made to feel that it’s her fault. Exactly what every girl dreams of for her first date.

Long story short, the fake piece of art falls and shatters into a million pieces and the fake artist yells at Desiree. Then Sean comes in and saves the day. I get the sense that Desiree knew this was an act the whole time but she did a good job pretending to be a good sport. After that, they go back to Sean’s “place” (paid for by ABC) and eat dinner.  BS and Desiree trade stories of how “cute” their parents are and how ideal their marriages are. Maybe their parents should just get married to each other, then.  Skip the middle-man.

During the date, Desiree has this crazy look on her face like she’s about to cry, and it makes me nervous. Next thing you know, BS and Desiree are in a hot tub. Of course.  They speak entirely in cliches (BS: “Love to me means I cannot go another day without having you in my life and I want to spend forever with you.” Desiree: “If you love someone, you think about the future. You honestly always will think about the future.”).  Then Desiree concludes that they are “on the same page” about marriage. Well, that was easy.

BS gives her a rose and she pretends not to want to accept it because of the lame prank he played on her. Which in itself is kind of a lame prank. These two are made for each other. Afterwards, they make out in the hot tub and honestly, Sean does not move his mouth when he kisses. Did he learn NOTHING from Arie’s kissing lessons?

Final cocktail party. Sean talks to Lindsay (drunk wedding dress girl) alone and damn it if she doesn’t seem drunk again. Not as drunk. But still pretty drunk. She apologizes for her behavior last episode and Sean accepts. They have another cliched conversation about the importance of “marrying your best friend.” I liked Lindsay better when she was drunker. Sean, meanwhile, says he is “blown away” by Lindsay.

Other things that happen:

  • Amanda is being a weirdo and everyone is “uncomfortable” with her antisocial behavior. She sits on the couch glowering and not responding to the other women talking to her. The general consensus is that Amanda is “here for the wrong reasons.”
  • Robyn wants to know if Sean is attracted to black women.  She asks Sean what he likes and he says he doesn’t have a type and that his last girlfriend was black. Color me impressed, BS! No pun intended. Seriously.
  • Selma tries to teach Sean a phrase in Arabic that means “you’re very beautiful.”  We get it, you’re ethnic.

Rose ceremony time. Finally. This episode felt interminable. Roses go to: AshLee, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M. (DC), Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Lesley H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and Amanda. That means Diana (the Mormon with two kids) and Brooke (the third black girl) are going home. They both handle it surprisingly well, except Diana cries a little, which is silly.

NEXT WEEK on the Bachelor, someone falls down the stairs. Can’t wait!


Bachelor Sean takes the plunge

As you know, I recently purchased a Season Pass on iTunes to Season 17 of the Bachelor. I’m that person.  And I’m okay with that! Because it’s worth it to bring you recaps of this, the most fascinating/sad series on TV today: THE BACHELOR.  So, without further ado, here is my recap of episode 1, intermixed with some pithy observations from one of my friends, Malka, who took the time to send me some bullets on the first season on the assumption that I wouldn’t be able to watch it here in ZA. She is a true friend/reality enabler, that one!

Bachelor Sean (BS) is reintroduced to the world after his long absence from our TV screens since having his heartbroken by that harridan, Emily.  Sean is 29. Whoa. Isn’t that like 45 in evangelical Christian years?  Why is he not married? And why is he on a TV show?  Why, Sean? Why??

The gratuitous shirtless shots begin, and there are many. Too many to count.  Malka points out that “Sean does standard opening shots of musculature. But seems they’ve added an infomercial gym machine to the usual treadmill to give more nuanced muscle shots. But bicep curls? Come on.”

Meanwhile, we are given some background on Sean’s “relationship” with Emily.  Re-watching that awk stiff-armed kiss with her makes me think, again, that BS is definitely a virgin.  Which is fine! But I feel like he’s on the wrong series.  May I direct you here, kind sir.

Sean blabs on about his family and how perfect everyone’s marriage is.  He spends some time with his niece in a playhouse that is seriously nicer than my apartment.  Unfair.  Then he talks about his hypothetical wife as “my woman,” which is a bit off-putting.  Also, Sean wants us to know that he’s about to embark on “the most amazing journey ever.” Big talk, Sean. Big talk.

Next, BS cuts up some strawberries and awaits the arrival of his “good friend” Arie. He “doesn’t know the reason for the visit” (shyah, right), but guess what the reason is? So Arie can teach Sean about kissing.  Which is not creepy at all.  Arie’s main advice? “Come in with the hands.” No comment.  Side note: why did I used to think Arie was attractive? I feel like his face is weird now.  Maybe it’s the foul knowledge that he’s with Courtney that has tainted him forever in my mind.  Or maybe he’s just bloated.

Time to introduce the ladies!

Chris Harrison emerges from the lush foliage of the Bachelor manse and tells us that BS is “sincerely ready to find his wife,” despite the fact that he “truly felt that he found his soulmate” in Emily.  So let’s meet these b**ches.

  • Desiree, 26 y/o bridal stylist. She’s waiting for the person that “completes [her]” and wants “fireworks.” Yeesh. Am I right?
  • Tierra, 24, does something in Colorado, wasn’t paying attention.  Her voice is annoying. Also, does she know her name means “land?”  When she’s told the Bachelor is Sean, she freaks the eff out.  She is family-oriented. Also boob oriented, it seems.  But she’s cute, I guess.
  • Robin, 24 sales person from TX. A token black lady. Cute. Does awk shoeless dancing outside of an office building. She’s just the latest to uphold the proud Bachelor legacy of awkward solo dancing (see, e.g. Tenley, Ashley H.)
  • Diana, salon owner from Salt Lake City. Morm, I’m thinking. She says she’s 30 but ABC informs us she is 31. Ouch.  She has not one but TWO children.  Well, Sean DOES want kids, you guys.  She’s just getting a head start.
  • Sarah, 26, ad exec from LA.  She has one arm.  But she can ride a bike, cut a pepper and make an omelette, so she’s fine.
  • Ashley, hair stylist, 28, from Macomb MI.  She has no idea why she’s single! Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, she’s obsessed with Christian Grey from 50 Shades of Grey.
  • Lesley, 25, political consultant, DC.  She says she doesn’t like nerds or politicans. I can understand not liking politicians but nerds? How DARE you, madam.  And also, if those are your criteria, don’t live in DC then, dummy. She refers to herself as a “modern Southern belle.” I hate this woman.
  • Christy, 25, is a “Ford model,” which is “like, the number one modeling agency in the world.”  Her words, not mine.
  • AshLee F., 32, is a professional organizer. She’d be fun to live with!  She has a sad story about going through the foster system as a child.  But then she got adopted by a loving family when she was six and so things aren’t all bad.  BTW, I am sort of rooting for her because she’s 32. I gotta side with the old ladies. Solidarity.

Limo time!!

  • First out is AshLee F., the elderly organizer.  She is pretty and is wearing a very dramatic red dress. They exchange pleasantries but there are no real sparks.  Dammit, I want her to do well. Don’t eff this up, AshLee.
  • Jackie, 25, cosmetics consultant. She’s puts on lipstick and leaves a lip-print on BS’s cheek. Nice touch.
  • Selma, 29, real estate developer. They play vaguely Latin music when she walks out, I guess because she has brown hair and her name is Selma?  She takes out a handkerchief and wipes the lip-print off him. Oh, snap!
  • Lesley H, poker dealer. Shockingly, she is also African-American. This is unprecedented!  She tells Sean he is a “hunk” and says “holy Toledo,” which I kinda like.
  • Daniella 24, is a commercial casting associate, whatever the hell that means. She seems crazy and intense.  She teaches Sean a handshake that ends with a fist-bump. I see what she was trying to do there, but it didn’t end well.
  • Kelly, 28, cruise ship entertainer. Sings Sean painful, awk, country song.
  • Katie, 27, yoga instructor.  Underneath her mildly crazy 80s hair she is cute. I hope Sean can see that. Look past the hair, Sean.
  • Ashley, the bizarre 50 Shades of Grey girl from Michigan, walks out and tells Sean she wants him to teach her how to use a necktie that she pulls from her cleavage and waves suggestively in his face.  It’s horrible. Just horrible.  Sean looks like he wants to die.
  • Taryn, 30, health club manager.  Dimples. Blonde. Interesting braid hairdo. Otherwise unremarkable.
  • Catherine, 26, graphic designer. Sparkly dress! Vaguely Asian – might be too exotic for Sean.  Just sayin’.  From Seattle. She ALSO tells Sean he’s a “hunk.”
  • Robyn, the oilfield manager from TX/awk dancer, comes out and tries to do two backflips or backhandstands or something. She does one and then falls on her face. Poor thing. I’m dying for her. But why did she try that if she didn’t know she could nail it in a long, sparkly dress? I hope for her sake she gets a pity rose.
  • Lacey, 24, graduate student.  She brought Sean a lace heart. Yawn.
  • Paige, 25, is a Jumbotron operator. No, she’s not. Come on, really?  Oh wait — she was on Bachelor Pad 3, apparently.  Also, is she Canadian? She sounds Canadian. I’m confused. Moving on.
  • Tierra, 24, again. They hug and she is really enthusiastic and bubbly. She shows him a tattoo of an open heart on her finger and says it means her heart is open (barf). They stare at each other moonily for a second and then Sean tells her to wait and asks Chris Harrison if he can give her a rose. GAME CHANGER, guys.  THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.  Because normally the lead gets, like, 10 seconds more of conversation with each of these women. To give someone a rose without the benefit of those extra 10 seconds is just RECKLESS. Meanwhile, all the “ladies” flip out and shoot daggers at Tierra with their eyes as soon as she walks in carrying the rose.
  • Amanda, 26, is a “fit model.”  Is that the kind of model that doesn’t have her picture taken?  Like, a non-face model?
  • Keriann, 29, is an “entrepreneur.” She seems nice.
  • Desiree, the bridal stylist, comes out in a red dress. She brought pennies so that they can make a wish in the fountain together. I wonder how many misbegotten, tawdry wishes have gone into that gross Bachelor mansion fountain. Something to think about.
  • Sarah, 26, the one-armed girl comes out but makes no mention of her lack of arm.
  • Brooke, 25, is a community organizer. She’s also black!  What is this, three black ladies now? I am shocked by this!
  • Diana, 31, the salon owner and mother of two from Utah, looks like somebody famous. Miley Cyrus maybe?
  • Lesley, the one I hate, from DC, brings out a football so they can “run a play.”  Then he bends over and she pretends to ogle his butt. Good one, Lesley. NOT.
  • Kristy, 25, the Ford Model from Wisconsin, tries to be all sassy and Sean doesn’t seem to be buying it.  Dial it back, Kristy.
  • Ashley H, fashion model, 25, IS ALSO BLACK. Guess ABC finally got that whole “diversity” message.
  • Lauren, 27, is a journalist.  She says she’s Italian and she gives Sean a message from her dad: “If you break my heart, he’ll break your legs.” Oh, Mafia jokes! Always a crowd-pleaser.
  • CRAZY ASS LADY IN A WEDDING DRESS! Lindsay, 24, is a substitute teacher. Guess she can’t be trusted around the kids full-time. She gives Sean a full-on kiss on the mouth and she seems wasted out of her MIND. Seriously. WASTED.  Sean tells Chris Harrison that she seems “fun.”  I’ll say!

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Chris Harrison emerges to tell BS that there’s one more person who specifically called and wanted to meet him. The limo opens and it’s Kacie B.  Remember her, from Ben’s season? And Bachelor Pad? Man, she’s really become a Bachelor franchise bottom-feeder. Life choices, Kacie B. Life choices.  Also, she looks like a skeleton. Wasn’t she anorexic at some point? Ugh, Kacie B., you’re killing me here.

The other girls think it’s “unfair” that Kacie B. gets to be on the show. Of couuurse they do. Desiree: “She had her chance with Ben.” Right, because all of these men are interchangeable, and if you don’t marry one, you’re disqualified from all others. So go home, Kacie B., you’re done!  Kacie B., meanwhile, says if she doesn’t get a rose, she’ll be “shocked.” Apparently Sean and Kacie hung out before and Sean says he “viewed her as a friend.” Eek.

Desiree tells Sean that she wants to design wedding dresses. Midway through their convo, Sean gives her a rose.  Wow, he’s on fire tonight.  Then he gives ANOTHER rose to professional organizer AshLee.  Needless to say, ladies do not react well to this.  Then, complicating matters, the three women who have roses argue over whether Tierra’s rose was a “first impression rose” or just “the first rose.”  These are key distinctions.  Selma, Robin, and Jackie then get roses. And also Lesley (not awful DC Lesley, but black Lesley).

OMG, wedding dress girl (WDG) finally gets to talk to Sean one-on-one! I can’t wait! She’s slurring her words and stumbling and flipping her hair back and forth. I want her to win. She and Sean slow dance to no music and she asks him to sing to her.  He declines.  Then she asks him to give her a kiss and he asks if he can give her a kiss on the cheek.  This is terrible and I LOVE it.  WDG has second thoughts about showing up wasted in a wedding dress and wishes she could have a do-over.

Ashley (50 Shades of Grey nutbag) starts sexy-dancing in her long dress and the other girls gossip about her.  Which is fair.   Then she goes to talk to Sean and I am gritting my teeth in anticipation of how terrible it’s going to be.  She pulls the tie out of her cleavage again and Sean says he brought a “rape whistle in case I’m in trouble.” Sean’s had some zingers this episode, huh!  She falls coming back into the mansion. Oh boy.

Taryn starts crying because she hasn’t had any one-on-one time with BS.  Oh, jeez, Taryn.  You’re THIRTY YEARS OLD.  Show some dignity in your old age!  She says she doesn’t want to “fight over a guy.”  So, logically, she came on a show that requires her to compete for the affections of one man along with 20-some other women.

Sarah, the one with one arm, seems sweet.  She goes and talks to Sean and seems charmingly nervous.  She addresses the arm issue, which is good, because Sean gives her a rose.  Aw.  Malka: “Just because i’m going to hell anyway I’ll just point out the arm she’s missing is the left one, i.e., the engagement finger one. So just spoiler alert if we see any standard shots of the last episode [that she didn’t win.]” Clever!

Gosh, is it already time for the rose ceremony?  How these last 70 minutes have flown by!  Girls who get roses (apart from the ones he already gave roses to): Amanda (fit model), Lesley M. (the bad DC one), Kacie B (pity rose), Christy (“Ford model”), Daniella, Taryn (crying mess), and Lindsay (WEDDING DRESS GIRL). I am thrilled that WDG got a rose. She’s my favorite.

The rejects then take turns going up to hug Sean.  Malka notes that the notable exclusions are: “fan Paige, 50 Shades, cruise entertainer, and Black Emily (as always there’s like a handful of black women and otherwise all white. But anyway this one chick has a southern accent and has makeup that likens her to Emily).”

One of the rejects (the cruise ship entertainer) says, “I want to be in love, but is it worth feeling this way?”  Hi, you don’t have to go on TV and get rejected in front of millions of people to fall in love. That’s not a necessary pre-requisite. But maybe you’ll meet a nice man in the buffet line on the Romanian Princess or whatever your ship is called. Ahoy.

K, that’s it. Looking forward to next week!