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Bachelorette Desiree Episodes 5-7

Recaps for episodes five, six, and seven available on Previously.TV. Enjoy!

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Bachelorette Des, Ep. 4, on Previously.TV

Here it is, in all its glory.


Bachelorette Des, Ep. 3, on Previously.TV

Here’s the latest piece up on Previously.TV. Enjoy!


BACHELOR SEAN FINALE

OMG, OMG, it’s time!! It’s finally time!! Well — it’s finally time here in Joburg – I realize that the Bach finale actually happened like two days ago, but whatever!! IT’S TIME.

I’d like to note that iTunes took LITERALLY ALL DAY to download this finale. Seriously. I started downloading at 8:30 AM and it’s still not done at 4:30 PM, but I am starting to watch anyway, and hopefully the thing will finish downloading as I watch. I blame South Africa, ABC, Chris Harrison, and Tierra.

I’d also like to note that, as a person who owns the internet, the ending of this season was totally spoiled for me over the last 24 hours, and since I’m assuming at this point, everyone and their mom knows who wins, I won’t avoid spoilers. In fact, it’s more interesting to watch knowing who the loser is so you can cringe as she rhapsodizes about BS and how perfect their love is, you know?

LET’S DO THIS THING.

Chris Harrison uses the word “historic” to describe tonight’s episode. Which I guess is technically true, in the sense that every event that occurs on Earth is, in some sense, historic, but is untrue in literally every other sense. Chris Harrison also uses the term “late-breaking news” regarding BS and his “status.” IMPORTANT STUFF IS HAPPENING HERE.

Forewarning: I might fast-forward over some stuff, because the finale tends to be boring, especially when the Bachelor “reflects” on his two women and hems and haws over which one to choose. Snore.

Kay, so BS’s family is in town and wow, they are blonde. BS’s mom is nervous for him because she wants him to make the right decision. BS tells mom he doesn’t know which girl he is going to pick and she nods slowly, thinking what everyone else is thinking, which is, probably if you actually don’t have a preference about which woman to pick at this point, maybe use your brain and don’t get married to either one? 

Catherine gets to meet BS’s family first. Everyone toasts with water, which is weird, and then they ask Catherine boring questions about herself. It feels like a job interview. BS’s mom pulls Catherine aside. Mom seems polite but skeptical. Can’t blame her; lady’s been through this process before. Catherine says BS makes her feel “comfortable with [her]self.” Is this a good thing? Before you get married, shouldn’t you feel comfortable with yourself in your own right? Just a thought.

BS’s dad asks Catherine if she believes in “the Bachelor Process.” Not reacting to the utter goofiness of that phrase, Catherine says she was “very skeptical” in the beginning, which begs the question – if you were so “skeptical,” why did you come on the show? Did someone force you as part of a complex hostage negotiation? Because otherwise I am calling BS on your claim that you were “skeptical” of the Bachelor Process.

Conclusion at the end of the day: BS’s family “loves” Catherine. Of course they do: these people know better than to pull a Desiree’s brother – they’re old pros.

Now it’s Lindsay’s turn, who says she is “so close to being Sean’s fiance.” Oh, Lindsay. Please stop. You’re making everyone uncomfortable. BS’s family ask what BS and Lindsay have done together and they say, “a lot.” And then one of them adds, “we fed monkeys.” What an amazing journey they’ve had.

BS’s dad — who seems like he has some acting training, am I right? — sits down with Lindsay and asks her how she knows she’s in love with BS. Lindsay says “I just know. I want to hang out with him.” Good answer. Then Lindsay gives an *amazing* answer to some other generic question about marriage by saying that “marriage is compromise” and by mentioning “prayer” and “meeting in the middle.” Checking alllll the boxes. Then BS’s dad tells Lindsay that they started praying on the day BS was born for his wife. Um, ew? There’s something deeply creepy about praying for a newborn’s hypothetical wife, I’m sorry. 

Lindsay asks BS’s dad for BS’s hand in marriage and they laugh, because it would be so silly for a woman to propose to a man!! Imagine such a thing!! Next thing you know, she’ll be wearing pants and voting, the scamp!!

BS’s mom asks Lindsay when she knew she was in love with BS and she says when BS asked her about her family, or something. Whatever. Boring. I gotta give BS’s mom credit, though, she seems less instantly won over than her husband; I am not sure she’s a 100% believer in the “Bachelor process” like BS’s dad. 

Now it’s time for BS to reflect in generic terms on his two remaining ladies. He wants his family to help him make a decision, because that’s a normal thing that adults do: ask their parents who they should marry. BS’s mom, though, points out that he doesn’t HAVE to propose. GASP!!! Heresy!!! Hang her!! 

BS seems put off by his mother’s suggestion that he doesn’t have to actually ask anyone to marry him on TV. BS says, a little bitchily, that he wants his mother’s support, implying that she needs to shut her damn mouth and buy into the Bachelor Process already. Mom starts crying and tells BS not to make any rash decisions. Too late, Mom! BS decides he needs to listen to his heart (rather than his family) so he stands on a porch and stares pensively into the distance and purses his lips. 

It’s time for Lindsay’s final date with BS. You can tell she’s confident that BS is going to pick her, because she says tomorrow will be the biggest day of BS’s life, and hopefully her life. Sigh. They go on a boat ride down a river and BS wears a very fetching teal wifebeater.

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This outfit happened.

BS points out Myanmar and Laos and Thailand to Lindsay and she says, “What?” I think because she had never heard of those places before. Meanwhile, their boat driver looks uncomfortable and stares at the camera nervously. Then BS and Lindsay look back fondly on all of their fun times together: they went on a date in Montana, and they wrestled. That’s about it. Lindsay concludes that they have “the big things you need in a marriage.” Except for an actual relationship, I guess. Lindsay asks BS what he thinks they’ll look like when they’re old and he says, “I can picture you being a hot old chick.” Meanwhile, ABC is playing sappy music, as if this were a touching moment. Finally, Lindsay tells BS she loves him and he makes a sound halfway between “aww” and “mmm,” and it’s awwwwful. 

Cut to footage of Lindsay setting out wine and glasses. BS shows up at her room and they drink wine and make out since they don’t actually have much to say. Lindsay asks him if he remembers their first kiss, and he says yes. Good times! I’d love to hear these two discuss current events, wouldn’t you? Also, I have to say, I’m at the point in the season where Lindsay’s baby talk is getting grating as hell and I want it to stop. right. now. Luckily there are only TWO MORE HOURS more to endure.

Lindsay tells BS she is nervous and she doesn’t know what she’d do if she lost him. Probably move on with life? Find another guy who’s not on TV? Go back to part-time substitute teaching? Lots of possibilities. Lindsay says she wishes she knew what BS was thinking and he says, “I’m happy being here now.” Translation: I’m not picking you. 

Lindsay and BS do that thing that has been done on oh, four or five previous seasons of the Bachelor, where they write wishes on lanterns and send them into the sky. What a beautiful, not-overplayed cultural ritual! BS concludes that Lindsay is “the one for [him].” Hmmmmmmm.

Now it’s Catherine’s turn. For their date, they ride an elephant. At some point, they change into Thai pants – unclear why – but, you know, why not? Then they sit down and Catherine tells BS she is excited, but doesn’t make eye contact with him. Weird. Later, Catherine lights some candles in her hotel room and says she wants to make sure BS knows how she feels about him. Oh, dear. Catherine says she has a “hard time talking about serious things,” which is basically like saying, “I am immature and not ready to be married.”

Catherine blabs on about how much she loves BS’s family, and I go on Instagram for a while, and when I come back, BS is telling Catherine that he pictures himself with her. He seems much more reassuring to her than Lindsay, eh? I mean, writing’s on the wall, peeps.

Catherine and BS share a long hug and I wonder if he’s telling her that he’s going to pick her and we just can’t hear it? Catherine says “I love you” and BS says “thank you for today.” Ouch. Catherine cries and BS sort of reassures her but it’s pretty unsatisfying. Catherine points out that it’s annoying how their relationship is pretty one-sided and she can’t get anything out of BS and how he doesn’t reciprocate her feelings. Um, yeah. This is yet another reason why this show is RIDICULOUS. What kind of relationship do you have if only one person is contractually allowed to express their feelings? Why do these people do this to themselves??

On the big morning, BS wakes up shirtless and rubs lotion on his nipples, and then leans on his balcony and considers his options.

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This is Sean’s thinking pose.

BS says he has searched his heart and made up his mind and knows – finally! – who he’s going to pick. Good, now Neil Lane can show up with his briefcase and untucked shirt and show BS his tacky rings. Neil Lane shows BS the usual crap: big, square rings with rose gold and yellow diamonds and other things that will look dated as hell in ten years – but I guess that’s not much of a concern since BS and his lady will most likely break up before any of these looks can go out of style. 

BS puts on his suit and fingers the ugly ring he chose and says he is about to “dedicate [his] life to this wonderful woman,” and he cries. Pull it together, BS.

Meanwhile, poor old Lindsay is putting on a silver dress and reflecting on how BS is her “everything.” Ugh, Lindsay. Stop. If I were on this show and in the final two, I would just say nothing. I’d be like, “Yeah, it’ll be cool if he proposes but I’ll be fine either way. No biggie.” That’s the way to go, I think.

Catherine is wearing a gold dress and freaking out. 

This is always the point in the show where I get nervous and awkward, even if I know who’s going to win, because I feel badly for the poor soul who’s going to get brutally dumped on national television. The awkwardness!! My stomach is actually in knots, you guys, and I hate that this train-wreck of a show has that power over me. Damn you, Chris Harrison!

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison asks four Bachelor rejects who they think is going to win and no one cares what they think. 

Kay, back to the action. Dramatic Thai string music plays and a single rose sits on a wooden thing – a rose holder? what is that thing? – anyway. BS is all teary eyed because he has to break up with Lindsay. He says he “didn’t plan on this.” Except, ya kinda did, right? By signing onto the show? Remember?

Lindsay’s SUV pulls up and I am seriously sooo nervous and whoa, Lindsay has an intense tattoo on her foot. How did I never notice that before? Cut to voiceover of Lindsay saying: “Today is the day I’m gonna get engaged.” STOPPPP. She says a lot of other stuff that is too painful to record here because we all know what’s coming, including that this process has helped her become a “mature, independent woman.” Yeesh.

BS gives Lindsay a speech that gets her hopes up and whyyyy is he doing this? She clearly thinks he’s going to propose. She’s all smiley and excited and it’s just horrible. I think when BS starts breathing heavily and looking down, she starts to cotton on to the fact that he’s not going to propose, and her face falls. He says he wants to give her his heart but he can’t because his heart is leading him somewhere else  and he was undecided until yesterday. Why did he need to tell her that? How is any of this helpful? Couldn’t he have pulled an Ali Fedotowski with Chris Lambton and sent her home before this? Finally, BS makes this whole exchange The Official Worst by telling Lindsay he loves her. Salt –> wound.

Lindsay says it’s okay and then BS starts crying and then she starts crying and her baby voice is suddenly gone. Whoa. Finally, she tells BS she is gonna go because this is her “nightmare,” and she says she’s happy for him but that she can’t imagine her life without him. Then she gives him a hug, which is big of her, and he walks her out. I like that she stops to take off her heels – fat lot of good they did her, huh? – and walks ahead of him. She’s pissed but you know? She’s handling herself well, I gotta give her credit. None of the Desiree whining and begging. None of the AshLee bitchiness. It’s pretty classy, all told. I mean, Bachelor Classy. But still.

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In her pensive limo, she says she feels like an idiot. Which, okay, yeah, I see that. Then she gets kinda mad and cries – understandable. But you know? She’s 24 – I feel like she has TIME to find a man and pop out babies or whatever. At least another year before she is too old to legally bear children in Missouri.

Chris Harrison emerges and gives BS a letter from Catherine, which says nice things about BS and is not actually dramatic at all, despite the cutaways and dramatic music. Blah, blah, Sean proposes and Catherine looks like she’s about to actually have a heart-attack and die, and then she says yes. Cue soaring music. They ride off on an elephant into the sunset. THE END.

Whew.

Okay, so I won’t be blogging the ATFR because, you know, I just won’t. I have to cook dinner for my actual husband who I have an actual marriage with and need to step away from this crazytown bullsh*t for a while. But I’ll be honest, I’ll be watching the ATFR as I cook. Not gonna lie about that. I’d never lie about that.

Welp, that’s a wrap, folks. Guess you won’t be hearing from me about Bachelor/ette related stuff until Desiree’s season – and no matter where I am, I will be blogging it, don’t you worry. Until then, who wants to take bets on how soon BS and Catherine will break up? I give them 6 months to a year. ROMANCE!!!


Bachelor Sean, Episode 6

I know we just did this last night, but we’re doing it AGAIN, y’all – it’s a Bachelor double-header. For some reason! No one knows why! To be honest, I’m not sure if I’m going to make it through this episode alive (two Bachelors in 24 hours has never been attempted before), but I’ve decided that I’m willing to die blogging the Bachelor. This is my legacy.

Catherine gets the first one-on-one date, which involves going to go “play on a glacier.” Um. Worst Date Ever? Also, does BS have a license to drive that snowbus? Does the Canadian government know about this? BS says Catherine “passed the blizzard test.” Which makes me grateful my Canadian husband never gave me a blizzard test. Because I would have failed. 

After the glaciar, C and BS take a horse-drawn carriage (bluh) to an ice castle. Okay, yeah, this is officially the Worst Date Ever. Catherine does a good job pretending the ice castle is awesome, but let’s be real – it’s a giant block of ice with a couch inside of it. BS asks C what he doesn’t know about her and she tells him about how when she was at summer camp, her friend was killed by a falling tree and that this experience taught her that she wanted to get married and have a family. 1 + 2 = 7. Is it just me or do all of the contestants on this show inevitably a) trot out their most depressing story to try to win points with the lead, and b) somehow manage to connect said depressing story to their desire to get married to the lead? Like, what does seeing your friend getting killed by a tree have to do with wanting to marry some dude you meet on TV? This is like one-armed Sarah’s story about not being able to zip-line, and how that taught her she needed to marry a strong man in her life. What bugs me about this is that I’m pretty sure that men do not do this. It’s only the women who try to connect their traumatic/formative experiences to their desire to get married and have babies with a total stranger. Blarg!! 

Anyway, Catherine’s sad tree story earns her a rose and a frigid make out session with BS. No, seriously, it’s frigid: they’re in an ice castle. BS says that Catherine has “melted [his] heart” and I want to slap whatever producer gave him that line.

The group date this week is at Lake Louise and involves – again – canoeing. The “ladies” do not look pleased about this. Awful DC Lesley claims the spot in the canoe with BS, which is smart, but also, I would definitely hate her if I were on this show. I mean, hell, I hate her and I’m not on this show. Poor one-armed Sarah somehow manages to work the paddle with her stump and seriously, ABC? Every single date, this chick has to do something that really requires two arms.

Side note: you know what else I hate about this show? The ridick, old-timey, hackneyed gender roles that have to be reinforced at EVERY TURN. Por ejemplo: when Lesley stops paddling, BS says something about how she should just relax and let him “be a man back here.” Because ONLY MEN CAN PADDLE A CANOE. Ugh, why? This show!!!!

BS and the “ladies” make it to the other side and BS announces that they are going to do the Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge – in other words, they are going to jump into the deep end of a body of freezing water. Okay, I stand corrected, THIS is the Worst Date Ever. No, seriously, this date would kill me. I’d be dead. The end. Selma, who might be smarter than I gave her credit for, decides not to do the plunge. 

AshLee says she is going to do the plunge so she can be “emotionally vulnerable for Sean.” And also physically vulnerable to dying of hypothermia. Daniella says, “Sean better appreciate what I’m doing today.” Prediction: he won’t.

The ladies and BS jump in and scream and then run out again and look like spazzes all the while. I think Selma is regretting her decision not to do the plunge since all the other ladies are shrieking about how happy they are that they did it. Except for Tierra, who “can’t breathe.” She has a very dramatic way of showing she can’t breathe, writhing around and making faces and moaning. I’m sorry. I know this is supposed to be dramatic and scary but this lady is FAKING it.  It reminds me of this.

I mean, come on. Look at her.

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FAKER!

TP sits in a hotel room with an oxygen thing in her nose and eats a sandwich. BS comes to visit her and does he seriously not question at ALL why this woman manages to injure herself in every activity and then conveniently gets one-on-one time with him? Meanwhile, the rest of the ladies go to the post-date cocktail party and are relieved that TP is not joining them.

DC Lesley tells BS she “love[s] love” and BS tells her in response that he “appreciate[s] [her] so much.” Romantic? 

Then Sarah shows BS pictures of her family. She used to have a prosthesis, apparently, but she doesn’t explain why she doesn’t use it anymore, which is what I’m curious about. BS doesn’t seem super into Sarah, even though at this point she’s proved she can haul bales of hay, rollerskate, and canoe with one arm. 

Back in the hotel, TP is scheming. She has recovered from her fake hypothermia and is going to the cocktail party, gosh darn it. She sprays half a bottle of perfume on herself and heads out into the night. She shows up as the other ladies are taling crap about her and BS seems overjoyed to see her. DC Lesley says, quite accurately, that TP is “a professional at getting attention.” BS rewards her for her antics, again, by taking her aside and kissing her. He notes that her hands are “so warm” but she insists that her body is “still so cold.” Uh huh. BS asks her whether she’d want a proposal at the end of the show if they were to fall in love. Huh? Isn’t that the point of this entire sh*tshow? That someone gets proposed to at the end? If not, what are we all here for?

As TP and BS are talking, Drunk Lindsay sneaks in with two drinks in her hand. She will probably drink them both.

At the end of the party, BS says he appreciates all the women who “embraced today” and gives a special shout-out to Tierra, of all people. Then he gives the rose to Lesley. Lesley’s head is weird-shaped, by the way. It’s like halfway between an egg and a cone. It’s like one of those old L’eggs packages. With blonde hair.

BS has decided that he does not see a “forever” with one of the women and he needs to come clean to her. BS is breaking all the rules here, isn’t he? He asks to speak to Sarah – poor, one armed Sarah – and I feel sad for her. And is it just me, or does it kinda make it worse that he pulled her out in front of all the other women, rather than just letting her go during a rose ceremony, as usual? Why is this better? BS tells Sarah he doesn’t like her and she cries. Ugh, this is bad, you guys. While BS tells Sarah she’s “incredible,” she gives him what my husband calls a “frost grin.” I have patented the frost grin, but Sarah does a pretty good one. To her credit, Sarah handles the awkwardness of this situation well, at least until she’s alone and has a good ugly cry. Her pensive limo ride is pretty tough to watch, but then again, she’s like 25 years old, she’ll be fine. People get broken up with. It’s not the end of the world. I think we’re all just feeling bad for her because she got dumped on TV and she only has one arm.

BS and Desiree have a one-on-one date. As my cousin aptly pointed out to me in an email, Desiree is WAY pigeon-toed, so much so that it’s kinda painful to watch her walk. But at least she doesn’t have an egg-shaped head like Lesley, right? For their date, BS and D are rappelling down a mountain to have a picnic. Desiree calls it “propelling” down a mountain, but never mind. Some extremely Canadian guides show BS and D how to put on a harness and oh, the accents! D kinda freaks out as they are going down the rock face. I have done rappelling before and it actually can be nerve-wracking so I get why D is nervous about it. Desiree says “rappelling down the mountain is seriously like a relationship.” No, Desiree. No. 

It’s unclear whether D and BS actually went down the whole mountain or just a piece of rock, but I think more the latter. Anyway, they go to a picnic and Desiree talks with her mouth full, which is refreshing. But then she always does this weird thing with her face where it looks like she’s about to cry, and it makes me uncomfortable. After eating, BS and D decide to “spontaneously” climb a tree. Ugh, please.

For dinner, BS dons a very distracting cardigan that is toeing the line between ironic and sad, and he takes D to a teepee. Desiree scrunches her face up and I haaaate it! They talk about their backgrounds and Desiree tells BS about growing up poor and living in a tent (?!) and says, “I think that’s why I’m so humble.” This is almost as bad as saying “I have the biggest heart.” But not quite. Desiree then tells BS she wants someone “assertive” who can “take care of a family.” He says, “That’s what I want my wife to want.” These sentiments on their own are innocuous, I guess, but something about the overall treatment of gender on this show makes these statements seem super icky to me. Also, shouldn’t BS want his wife to want him, rather than some archetype of an assertive man, or whatever? Or maybe I’m over-thinking this.

Final cocktail party. Selma realizes she is at a disadvantage for not doing the polar plunge and for not kissing BS. So she decides to compromise her “values” and kiss BS. Which kiiinda makes me think the whole values thing was a load of crap? The kiss looks underwhelming and afterwards, BS says, “Thank you.” Oof. Selma says this was a “huge shame to her family” but I actually think her boobs have already shamed her family, so it’s fine.

Drunk Lindsay then tells BS she’s not going to kiss him (ugh, tired of this already) and wow, she really is drunk tonight. Then she tells him she sleeps naked. Aw, old Drunk Lindsay is back! It’s just like old times.

AshLee gives BS a blindfold and says it represents something about her relinquishing control, but there are lots of words and I don’t really follow. Anyway, BS blindfolds her and then carries her somewhere else and then kisses her with the blindfold on. It’s all very strange. I get that it’s supposed to be some kind of metaphor but it’s not working for me. Afterwards, AshLee says she sees her “whole future lined up now.” Whoa, nelly.

Okay, finally, time for the rose ceremony. There are only THREE roses to hand out. Which means TWO women are going home. Roses go to: 1) Drunk Lindsay, 2) AshLee, and 3) Tierra frickin’ Palin. WHY, Sean? WHYYY? So Daniella, Selma, and Selma’s boobs are headed home this evening. Daniella had to have seen that coming, right? She talked to BS like ONE TIME. I’m not sure he’d be able to pick her out of a line-up. And I guess Selma’s last minute kiss gambit didn’t work out for her so well. She seems pretty composed, though. I think Selma was playing a higher-level game the whole time, anyway. Daniella, though, is drunk and weepy. She says she is “keeping a straight face,” but actually, she’s crying and making kind of a weird, non-straight face. 

BS tells the other women that “you six are the six for me.” This is one of those polygamist moments I’m talking about! He then tells them they’re heading to St. Croix and everyone squeals. Yippee.

Well, guys, we made it. I didn’t know if we were gonna make it, but we did. And now I need a full week’s rest from this mess before BS and his “ladies” go to a generic tropical resort which one of the women will inevitably refer to as “paradise.” See you next week.


Bachelor Sean, Episode 5

Hoo boy, the preview for today’s episode looks juice-ay. And I can’t wait until tomorrow night for ANOTHER drama-filled evening with BS and his harem of idiots. But let’s take things one step at a time, shall we?

This week, we’re down to ONLY ELEVEN “ladies.” Chris Harrison makes an exciting announcement: the “ladies” will be embarking on a “worldwide journey to find love with Sean, starting in Montana, where the date cards will be waiting, “as will Sean.”

Incongruous Scottish music plays as Sean flies over Montana in a tiny water plane. Sean says he and the women will be “roughing it outdoors.” Right.

Daniella, the poor, deluded thing, says excitedly as she arrives in Whitefish, Montana, “I get to see my boyfriend!” Honestly, when she said that, I was like, ho, sh*t, she has a boyfriend in Montana?? Do the producers know? And then I realized she was talking about Sean. Bless her heart.

Drunk Lindsay gets the one-on-one date and hey, guess what form of transport they take to their date at Glaciar National Park? A HELICOPTER. Which is UNPRECEDENTED. Dramatic music plays as it lifts off and the other women glare at it from the lodge. Desiree, a deep thinker, says that although they are excited for Lindsay, they all want the same guy, so actually, they want her to go home. 

Lindsay says she has “never felt so close to someone before in such a little amount of time” (i.e., approximately ten minutes total conversation time). BS and Lindsay start off the date by pecking each other repeatedly on the lips. Guess those kissing lessons from Arie really haven’t sunk in yet. Unclear what BS and Lindsay did all day, because the camera jumps straight to a dark, romantic lodge where BS and Lindsay are curled on a couch. L talks about her life as an army brat. She didn’t like it, apparently. BS concludes that this means L is seeking “security and a family.” BS tells L she is going to be “such an incredible wife” and gives her the rose. You know, sometimes, when BS talks, it sounds vaguely polygamist. Such AN incredible wife? Of how many wives, Sean?

To end their date, BS and L go to see Sarah Darling (who?) perform. They do that thing where they slow dance awkwardly on a raised platform in the middle of a crowd, who, incidentally, seem completely uninterested in BS and L and actually like they kinda wish they weren’t blocking their view of Sarah Darling. Lindsay concludes that BS is “so classy and good looking on the eyes.” Oh, Drunk Lindsay. I still kinda like you.

Time for the group date. Selma is wearing a crazy-town turban-slash-ear-muffs creation and insists on calling BS, again, her “Prince Charming.” They go to a field where there are some goats and someone asks, “Are those dogs?” SIGH. Chris Harrison explains their date will involve chopping a log and milking a goat and then drinking the goat’s milk, among other things. Poor one-armed Sarah is really getting a raw deal on these physical challenge dates, eh?

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The stakes are high on this date. The losing team is going BACK TO THE LODGE. Not surprisingly, the “ladies” are all terrible at every physical obstacle but are particularly canoeing-challenged. But actually, to be fair, they really do suck at everything. Long story short, the red team (Selma, Desiree, Sarah, Robyn) wins. The blue team is sent home, but then BS makes a radical departure from the Rules of The Bachelor and informs the losers that they will also be allowed to participate in the group date with BS. Red team is PISSED. But they have to pretend not to be pissed, which is hard for them. Daniella predicts that the girls are “literally going to die” when the blue team shows back up at the party. They are LITERALLY going to DIE, you guys. 

Meanwhile, Tierra Palin is angry with this whole situation and decides she needs to “go find Sean.” Oh, brother. She creeps up behind BS as he’s doing an interview and it’s prettttty weird. She puts her hands over his eyes (btw – is that ever cute? or is it always just annoying and creepy?) and when he turns around he acts happy to see her. She asks why she’s getting a two-on-one date and explains to him that she’s very sensitive and feels insulted by the two-on-one date. It’s awkward. But in the end, it seems to work, because BS is dumb.

AshLee tells BS that this is “like a fairy tale” for her and that she “adores” him and that she feels a “soul connection” and he smiles stupidly at her. AshLee says she feels “protected” with BS and she’s – wait for it – falling in love with him. 

While BS is canoodling with Catherine, Daniella has a mini-breakdown because BS may or may not know her name. She gets all weepy with BS and it’s pretty pathetic. Then they make out and the mouth noises are so loud, it’s horrible, and my Asperger’s is kicking in and I’m covering my ears and curling into a ball. When it mercifully ends, Daniella has spit on her face. In the end, things really work out for Daniella and she gets a rose, because we all know how BS loves to reward these people for acting like idiots. 

OMG, time for the Dreaded Two-on-One Date with Tierra Palin and Jackie. Tierra is already referring to BS as her “husband,” which bodes well for how insane this date might get. BS says he wants to know different things about each woman. With Jackie, he wants to know if she can be his “best friend.” With Tierra, he wants to know her felony record and psychiatric history. 

The girls and BS go horseback riding at a ranch. Tierra Palin (TP) says that “Jackie does not know that she is on a date with me and my husband.” Ugh, you guys, is she serious with this right now? TP and BS leave Jackie in the dust because Jackie’s horse is lazy. Then, all three sit down and drink some mid-day wine and BS and Jackie talk privately. Jackie takes this opportunity to warn BS off from TP. She tattles that TP was flirting with a cute guy at the airport. Gasp!!!! 

Later, they go to dinner and sit at a table with three settings. There is a lot of super awkward silence and loud swallowing of wine. Then BS asks to speak to TP alone. She tells him, and this is an actual quote from her mouth: “I get scared because I have the biggest heart, I honestly do.” Um, is that something you can say about yourself? That you have “the biggest heart?” I feel like there might be a law against that.

Then TP opens up about her past, saying she was with a guy for 5 years who was in and out of “rehabs,” plural, and she stuck by his side no matter what because she’s such a saint, and then he died. Whoa. She says this is why she’s “so afraid of getting close to someone.” I call bullshit, you guys.

At the end of the date, BS tells Jackie that their relationship has been “slower to develop,” whereas with Tierra, he has felt “something special” since the first night. He tells TP he appreciates her opening up and gives her the EFFING rose. Oh, Lawd! Grant me strength because this man is so stupid. Jackie cries in her pensive limo ride. Meanwhile, TP cuddles with BS as fireworks go off.

Final cocktail party. Desiree and BS have sort of a tense talk when she says he is “unpredictable” and BS asks, why, just because he kept Tierra? (Duh, BS). And Desiree hems and haws and she says she doesn’t know what he really wants or where she stands.  After this convo, BS says he doesn’t feel good about where he is with Desiree. But I guess he feels great about where things are with Insane-in-the-Membrane Palin.

Speaking of, trouble is brewing among TP and the other ladies. She gets up and storms off dramatically to sit by herself at the fire. Robyn, who, to her credit, has hated TP from the start, is having none of it. She confronts TP and tells her that the rest of the girls are “confused” by her behavior. TP responds that she is not about to “get threa’ened” and that she “doesn’t care” and if she wants to go get engaged, she can go get engaged, because there are “plenty of f***ing guys in the world.” Which is exactly what I said before I met Al. AND I WAS RIGHT.

Side note: Tierra is a Scorpio. Dammit, Tierra. Stop making us look bad.

Coincidentally, BS walks in while TP is bitching about something and BS wonders if it’s because the other girls are “picking on her.” To “get to the bottom of it,” he asks to speak to TP alone. TP tells BS “all of the girls” are “attacking” her and that she doesn’t “deserve to go through this at all.” She says it’s frustrating because she is “such a nice girl and nobody gives [her] credit here.” No one ever accused Tierra of being modest, did they?

BS later asks Lesley what he needs to know about Tierra. Lesley says that TP acts “cold” around the other women. I’m wondering, why aren’t any of these ladies just saying what we’re all thinking, which is that TP is a crazy a**hole who falls down the stairs on purpose and needs to go home to Alaska or wherever she came from? 

Rose ceremony! BS tells the ladies that this week has been “turbulent” for him and that he is “leaving this week with more questions.” Okay, whatever, get on with it, BS. Roses go to Selma, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee, Sarah, and, finally, Desiree. That means Robyn is going home. He tells her “best of luck” (ouch) and puts her in her pensive limo. As she drives off, BS says that he had high hopes but now those hopes aren’t so high, which is a tongue-twister, eh?

That’s all for tonight. Looks like Tierra is going to fake yet another grievous injury next week. They’re really blowing the fake paramedics budget this season, huh? See you tomorrow(ish)!


Bachelor, Episode 4

I am blogging the Bach two days late and several dollars short. I’m totally exhausted and not completely in the mood to blog this mess, but, hey, when am I in the mood to blog The Bach? It’s an exhausting enterprise.

Well, enough beating around the bush, let’s begin… with Sean, shirtless. Actually, they are stepping up the Sean nakedness tonight – now he’s not just shirtless, he’s walking around in boxer-briefs. At this rate, next week he’s only going to be wearing a strategically placed sock.

First date goes to Selma, whose lips annoy me. She brings up how she wants to “have babies” with Sean. Ugh. Selma makes the odd choice of wearing a boob-popping wife beater and yoga pants on her date. Hmm. Then, apropos of nothing, she brings up her weight on her date. (Also, 110? Please. Those boobs alone weigh a quarter of that.)  Selma and BS are picked up for their date in a private jet and Selma is talking in a baby voice and I don’t know how I am going to make it through this date, you guys. 

The date is in a desert and Selma is NOT happy about it. They drive to Joshua Tree National Park, where BS plans on “testing” Selma to see if she can handle being outdoorsy. Let me take a wild stab at this and say that she cannot, in fact, handle this. They walk ten feet into the park and Selma is already whining. Oh, Lord, make it stop. Sean tells Selma they are rock climbing, and Selma barely conceals her intense displeasure at this. Oh, and guess what, guys, she hates the heat AND heights. The rock climbing, to be fair, looks intense, and Selma does a surprisingly good job. She says that Sean “gave her this adrenaline.” During the climbing, she keeps calling Sean “baby.” Barfffff. 

At dinner, Selma’s baby voice goes into overdrive and she seems sort of drunkity-drunk. To wit: she conducts most of the conversation half-lying in Sean’s lap. She asks BS about his last relationship and he tells Selma he had one serious gf out of college and he broke up with her because he didn’t want to marry her. Then Selma talks about her family, who are “Arabic.” Seriously? She calls herself “Arabic?” She also pronounces Iraq “eye-RACK,” so… Selma reveals to the camera that because of her background, she doesn’t want to kiss BS on national TV. But her boobs have no qualms about their national TV debut, apparently. BS tells Selma he wants to kiss her and she whispers that she can’t, and it’s crazily awkward. Like, insane levels of awkward up in hurr. Selma tells BS that her mother is not happy with her decision to come on The Bach, and BS says he understands. In a way, I kinda respect Selma a lot more for holding off on kissing Sean until she’s his “only lady.” I mean, good for you, Selma. You have an annoying sexy baby voice but at least you’re not going to have any regrets when you inevitably get sent home. In any case, BS gives her a rose at the end of the date, so her coyness is paying off already!

Group date! They’re doing roller derby. Long story short, they’re all spazzes and there is lots of falling and sad faces. I do feel bad for Sarah, the one-armed girl, because her balance isn’t good and it’s a lot harder to get up from a fall when you only have one arm. Which begs the question, why would BS send her on this date? God, the Bachelor can be so sadistic. One of the other girls tells Sarah she is a “strong person” and therefore should be able to do everything all the other girls can do, which is a nice sentiment but might not actually be true since she only has ONE ARM. Meanwhile, Amanda pretends to be a roller derby expert and then goes down like a ton of bricks and hits her jaw on the ground. Good one, Amanda. The ABC paramedics (paid actors) show up, as usual, and Amanda is taken to the hospital (sound stage). Given the grievous injury, BS calls off the roller derby and the date turns into a free skate, which is way more fun, let’s be real. 

At the cocktail party, Amanda shows up and I guess her jaw wasn’t broken after all? Nevertheless, she complains to BS about how much it hurts. So I guess the new strategy on this season is to fake injuries to get attention. Hopefully the stakes will get higher and higher until some girl self-immolates in order to secure a hometown date.

The girls are starting to snipe at each other. Tierra and Robyn hate each other and get in a fight about nothing. Then Tierra decides she is going to leave, and stages a very dramatic temper tantrum wherein she says she can’t handle the “drama.” She also says she’s “breaking down inside and holding it all in.” Except by holding it all in, she means letting it all out. Then Tierra intercepts Bs while he’s about to hop into the hot tub with poor, drunk Lindsay. Tierra whines and cries to BS and tells him that being with the other women is “torture.” BS convinces her to stay, because he’s a dummy. Seriously, BS, can I speak for the whole of America (and South Africa) when I ask you to please send this stupid b***h home? Not only does BS convince her to stay, though, he gives her a ROSE. Ugh, he is the dumbest — I can’t believe her tantrum WORKED. 

Now it’s time for Leslie H.’s one-on-one date with Sean. To clarify, this is black, poker dealer, non-DC Leslie. She’s the lucky one this season to get the coveted Pretty Woman date. As BS points out, it’s “every girl’s dream” to pretend to be a prostitute with a wealthy suitor who buys her stuff. They go to Badgley Mischka and Leslie gets to try on dresses. I like Leslie – she seems fun – but BS seems rather underwhelmed by her. They go to Neil Lane and, as we all know, Sean and Neil are already acquainted. Neil gives Leslie a very diamond-y necklace to wear. I’m assuming she doesn’t get to keep the diamond earrings or the necklace, right? Because if she does, I might need to sign up for the Bach next season. Don’t worry, Al – I’ll pull a Selma and tell the Bach I can’t kiss him because I’m Arabic. 

Image

BS and Leslie go to dinner at a fancy place and BS reveals that she does, in fact, get to keep the earrings. BS says he is hoping that something will “click” at dinner. He asks her if she is normally slow to open up and she says yes. They both seem nervous. BS asks her about her past relationships and she tells him her whole relationship history. Then BS says sometimes people look good on paper but there’s something missing (HINT, Leslie, he means you). BS asks her what lessons she’d take from her parents in raising her own children, and she says her parents divorced when she was five. Awk.

BS says the connection with Leslie “just isn’t there.” Honestly, guys, I think he’s just not attracted to her, which is ridick, because she’s so cute! At the end of the date, BS picks up the rose and tells Leslie that the romantic connection he was hoping for never happened. Uh, is it really necessary for him to hold the rose as he rejects her? As he walks her out, Leslie asks if he really never saw any romance at all between them, and he says no. She then gives him back the necklace, which is uncomfortable, and then, as a parting shot, tells him to watch out for some of the girls because they are “not here for the right reasons,” which, as we all know, is the Cardinal Sin of Bachelor World. 

Since BS sent Leslie home before Ben Taylor (who?) could sing for them, Ben Taylor is forced to sing to an empty room, which is sad for him.

Final cocktail party time. Summary:

  • Tierra says “there needs to be less girls,” which is grammatically incorrect on at least two levels. 
  • Robyn tries out a bad pick-up line on Sean, which is based on her being black, and then they kiss. I don’t see this happening for Robyn, actually. But at least BS kissed a black girl. That has to be the first interracial kiss on The Bachelor, right? A momentous cultural milestone. God bless America.
  • Tierra stalks around with her rose in hand and all the girls glare at her. Then she and Amanda bond over their mutual villainy.
  • Tierra asks Robyn and Jackie to talk to “apologizes” for what happened the other night. Tierra’s version of apologizing includes reminding Robyn that she “attacked” Tierra first and that Robyn was “wrong” to “assume” that Tierra didn’t like her. Um. Worst apology ever? 
  • Tierra gets alone time with BS and all the girls gossip about her and call her “Tierrable,” which I like. Tierra tells BS she “hates drama” and that girls just have a hard time accepting her because she’s so “guarded.” Sean’s assessment is that Tierra is “emotional” and “passionate” and he knows she’s “here for the right reasons.” Sigh.
  • Catherine and Sean make out. 

Rose ceremony! Catherine gets first rose, whoa. Then: Desiree, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie (despite the fact that I’m pretty sure she and Sean have never actually spoken), AaaaAAnnnnd, Daniella. Which means Amanda is going home. Hoo boy. In her pensive limo ride, Amanda looks like a hot mess and cries and doesn’t say anything interesting. 

THE END. 

 


Just kidding.

You know that thing I said about how TubeTopix was on hiatus? Well, I changed my mind. I’m bring TubeTopix back out of retirement to blog about The Bachelor, Season 17, featuring the handsome and dumb Sean Lowe.  So many people asked me if I was blogging it this season, and I kept saying no, no, I can’t get it in South Africa, and feeling sad about it.  Then I realized I could pay $14.99 for the whole season on iTunes. Is this a ridiculous thing to do? Maybe a little.  But I’m doing it for you guys.  You’re welcome.

Stay tuned for my (late) recap of S1, E1!


New blog

Hey everyone – TubeTopix is on an indefinite hiatus. But catch me at my new blog, stephanieearlygreen.com. 


The Bachelorette Enters the Fantasy Suite

Big episode of the Bachelorette tonight, guys. Dolphins! Fantasy Suites! Helicopters! Tears! I can’t wait!

The gang is in Curacao this week and I am super envious, because I’ve wanted to go there ever since I read The Cay in fifth grade, even though I guess technically that book took place on a cay near Curacao and not on Curacao itself. And technically, the main character was actually escaping Curacao, which is how he ended up on the cay in the first place. But whatever.

Okay, so as I was writing all that about Curacao, I have not been listening at all to Emily summarizing all of her “relationships” with the three remaining men.  And since I already missed her whole description of her “connection” with Sean, I might as well fast-forward over her boring recaps of Arie and Jef with One Eff (JWOF), too.

K, now we’re looking at Emily sitting by herself on a rock, staring wistfully out to sea.  She tells us how she wants a “fairy tale ending” as she writes “Emily + ?” in the sand, and then watches as the tide washes away the “+ ?”.  Shit’s getting deep over here.

Emily’s first date is with Sean, who shows up wearing a deep, DEEP V-neck tee-shirt.  He’s pulling out all the stops now! Maybe he’s hoping the sight of his exposed clavicle will awaken some long-dormant passion in Emily. Emily, meanwhile, points out that Sean hasn’t said “I love you” to her, so she can’t let herself “go there” yet. But she dutifully climbs into the helicopter nonetheless so that she and Sean can take their obligatory helicopter ride around the island as soaring music plays.  Oh and guess what, guys?? They’re going to their own “private island.” Because that’s never been done before on this show! I mean, not since last season, anyway!

They set out a blanket and sit by the water and discuss Emily’s visit with Sean’s family, who apparently told Emily that Sean had treated his ex-girlfriends like “buddies.” Sean admits that this is true, that he wasn’t the most affectionate boyfriend to his ex, but it was only because he wasn’t in love with her. This is not reassuring, Sean. Emily keeps on grilling him about why he is so “detached” in relationships and he tries to convince her that he’s affectionate. But he still can’t say those three little words that she so obviously wants to hear, even though she doesn’t seem that into him. Some little alert light in Sean’s brain is flashing, telling him to do something, anything, but there is a circuit misfire and instead he says, “Um, I forgot what I was gonna say.” Smooth. Emily is clearly not impressed with Sean’s hemming and hawing. In fact, she seems positively underwhelmed by the whole date, even when Sean takes off his shirt.

They snorkel a bit and then go to dinner on the beach. Emily tells Sean she thinks he’s the “perfect man.” When he says he’s not actually perfect, she asks what’s “not perfect” about him. If I were playing a drinking game where you had to drink every time someone said perfect, I’d be deep into alcohol poisoning at this point (assuming I had already been drinking heavily before this scene started). Emily keeps trying to wheedle an “I love you” out of Sean, to no avail.  The best he can do is to reassure her that he won’t get distracted by anyone else. Which I guess is meant to allay Emily’s fears about Sean and Arie running off together? He also tells her that she shouldn’t worry about how he’d fit into her life, and she snaps, “it’s not just me, it’s Ricki and I.” I think she means Ricki and me, but okay, point taken, she’s had it with this guy. He says he’s “ready for that” and he wants to be a “soccer dad.” Blech.

Uh oh, Sean wrote Ricki a letter. Oh, no, and he’s reading it aloud to Emily. It’s too painful to summarize but suffice it to say it uses the words “shower” “God” and “overwhelm.”  Emily thanks Sean and says he “represents what… everybody looks for in a husband and a dad.” Which I think is her way of telling him he’ll be fine after she dumps him on TV.  Sean responds by telling her that he can’t “picture [his] life without” her. Huh. Maybe try picturing your life three weeks ago?

Finally, at the end of this painful conversation, Sean FINALLY tells Emily he has fallen in love with her and they share this awkward, passionless kiss during which neither of them move their heads or mouths but he kneads her thigh with three fingers.  MAKE IT STOP.

After the kiss mercifully sputters to an end, Emily gives Sean a Fantasy Suite card and he accepts. Then, as these contestants are wont to do, Sean makes a ridiculously misguided remark about relationships: “I’m really excited to spend time with her, no distractions, because this is how it’s going to be for the rest of our lives.” Have these people ever not lived on a reality show? What he just said is the exact opposite of how things are going to be for the rest of their lives. No distractions? She has a SIX YEAR OLD, you dingbat!

In the Fantasy Suite, Sean and Emily sit in a hot-tub and make out to break the silence.  Emily says “every fiber” in her body is telling her to let Sean stay the night, but her gut is telling her to call it a night.  Apparently her gut (which is not made of fibers?) wins and she sends Sean packing because she doesn’t want to set a bad example for her daughter. Which I respect, except remember when she accepted Brad’s Fantasy Suite invitation and spent the night and had sex with him and that was televised? Oops. Let’s hope Lil’ Ricki never discovers the internet.

Now it’s JWOF’s turn. He admits there are “some obstacles” left, such as the two other men Emily’s also dating. JWOF and Emily board a boat and rehash Emily’s visit to Utah.  JWOF tells Emily that his family “approves” of her. [Unstated subtext: as long as she converts to Mormonism]. JWOF asks Emily if she thinks he’d be a good parent and she says yes because he’s “fun.” Right, number one criteria for being a good parent. Funness. Which is why drunk people make fantastic parents!

Next, JWOF makes an overwrought metaphor about his relationship with Emily being a “painting” and a “masterpiece” and ugh, come on, JWOF.

They jump into the water a bunch of different times for their obligatory making-out-in-body-of-water shots. Then they get back on the boat and make out some more. See photographic evidence below.

Later, Emily and JWOF go to dinner and he peppers her with questions. He asks her where she’d want to live, and she answers she loves the idea of starting “a whole new life” somewhere else (as long as it’s not Salt Lake City). JWOF says he also wants a “fresh start.” Then he asks her why her past relationships haven’t worked out. Emily says, and I quote: “if you don’t have that unspoken, like, I don’t know, you know what I’m saying?” Yeah, that.

Emily tells JWOF he is perfect on paper but also has qualities that can’t be put on paper, like the physics involved with getting his hair to stay like that, I guess?  They keep telling each other how much they like each other, and making out, and then JWOF asks her whether he is a “good fit” to be Ricki’s stepdad, and whether she can “pitcher” him being a part of Ricki’s life. Emily gives him a long-winded answer that amounts to: yes, she can pitcher it. And honestly, the way these two are talking to each other, I think JWOF is gonna win this thing, despite his stupid pronunciation of the word “picture.”

At the end of dinner, Emily gives JWOF a Fantasy Suite card and he says that “it would be awesome” to have a sleepover, but out of respect for their families, they shouldn’t do it. Oh, whoa. Mind kinda blown right now. Did someone just — gasp! — turn down the FANTASY SUITE?? Emily says she is “thankful that [he] responded that way.” What?? What is happening right now??

Instead of engaging in the dead-eyed, loveless, hot-tub-stinking sex that ensues in the Fantasy Suite, JWOF and Emily decide to use their Fantasy Suite to just hang out. JWOF puts some Indigo Girls on the stereo and they just lie there and talk about their dreams, you know?

Time for Arie’s date. Five seconds into the date and they’re already playing tongue hockey, these crazy kids! They take a  quick break from licking each other’s tonsils to swim with the dolphins, which reminds me of my husband’s favorite New Yorker cartoon ever, by Paul Noth:

Ha!

Emily is kinda freaked out by the dolphins, which I feel. Let’s be real, dolphins are freaky. They’re smarter than we are, they have sonar, and they weigh like 600 pounds. Arie bravely protects Emily from the murderous dolphins, which proves to her that he would be “a great dad.” Again, I am sort of questioning Emily’s criteria of what makes a great dad. So far, we know that the guy has to be fun and have good dolphin evasion skills.

Meanwhile, Emily says she needs to figure out if there’s more to her relationship with Arie than just chemistry. (Answer: no.) She asks Arie what he does on a typical Tuesday morning and he says when he’s in town and not racing, he gets up at 9 am. Ruh-roh, guys, Emily gets up at 6 am. He also says he eats out almost every meal. Emily sips her wine disapprovingly.

Arie asks Emily where she “pitchers” them living. (Side note: have these people ever seen the word “picture” written out? I am guessing no). Emily answers that she’d move to Scottsdale with him but she has to do what’s best for Ricki. Arie asks what she’s looking for in terms of a “father figure” for Ricki, and she says she just wants someone to love her kid. Arie responds that relationship has to build slowly. Wow, what a sensible conversation. This is weird.

Aaand cue more making out. In a voiceover, Emily says that “as a role model and as a mother,” she can’t give Arie a Fantasy Suite card because she doesn’t trust herself with Arie. Dang.

Emily has some tough decisions to make now. She puts on a sparkly skirt, reminiscent of a mermaid’s tail, and goes to meet Chris Harrison for a fireside chat. The gist of the conversation is that Emily is confused but she has followed her heart. Huh?

Chris Harrison then tells Emily that they’ve added in a new feature to the show in which each guy leaves Emily a “personalized video message” in which they try to emotionally manipulate her into picking them. Oh, boy!

In Sean’s video, he says he came in to this process “so cynical.” I think he doesn’t understand what cynical means. He says he looks forward to being a father to her “dotter” (these people and their diction, cripes) and living the rest of their lives in “pure happiness.” Emily watches this message stone-faced. When JWOF comes on and tells her a bunch of mooshy (but pretty sweet) stuff, she looks like she’s trying not to smile, but she also wipes away a tear. Arie, who is clearly reading from cue cards about his feelings for her, provokes even more tears. She cries about how she feels bad about hurting someone and blah blah, who cares, get to the rose ceremony already. I fast forward over the part where Emily peruses the guys’ photos and I land on Chris Harrison giving the men a somber speech about how one of them will be going home tonight. We know, Chris Harrison.

Finally, Emily emerges. She tells the guys she cares about them and is “sorry.” Then she picks up the first rose, which goes to…

… JWOF.

*Dramatic piano music.*

The next rose goes to… [Ugh, I’m actually nervous!]

*Dramatic piano and violin music*

…Arie!

Sean immediately tears up, because he actually thought he was going to marry this lady! Aw, bless. Chris Harrison emerges from his dungeon to tell Sean to say his goodbyes.  Sean exchanges thumpy man hugs with the other two and then Emily walks him out. They sit down on a bench and Emily sniffles and Sean rubs his hands together. Finally, he says “I’m not sure what to say.” Awkward silence. This is bad. Then, finally, he says, “I feel kinda stupid, because I knew with certainty that I was ready to spend forever with you, and I didn’t see this coming.” Ouch — the raw sincerity! Then Emily starts to bawl.

Sean tells her he’s gonna miss her more than she knows but she has to do what’s best for her. Hmm, he’s handling this pretty well. I was hoping for some immature lashing out, Chris Bukowski-style, but Sean’s letting me down by being a grown-up. A stupid grown-up, sure, but a grown-up nonetheless.

Emily packs Sean into his Pensive Limo and he cries and rubs his face. To his credit, he keeps his mouth shut and just looks pained. First rule of the Pensive Limo ride: always keep your mouth shut — stoic silence is ALWAYS the way to go. Oh, no, wait, now he’s talking. Ohhhh no. Here is what he says: “Honestly, when she walked out tonight, I thought, ‘that’s my wife.’ I knew that I was gonna marry her. It hurts. It hurts a lot more than I can probably describe.” Ugh, STOP, Sean. STOP. But he doesn’t stop. He goes on to say that he pitchered himself having a big family with Emily and now the “beautiful pitcher” of their life together is gone. Aw, it’s okay, Sean, you’ll meet someone on the Bachelor Pad.

Emily, meanwhile, sits in her mermaid skirt and sniffles loudly, trying to gather herself for her remaining two suitors.

And that’s it. Kinda anticlimactic, really.

But next week is the big week, guys. Get ready. Get so ready.