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Bachelor Rehash

So, let’s just get the elephant out of the room right now and address the fact that I missed blogging the final Bachelor Brad episode.  I feel terrible, obviously. I know I let a lot of people down last week. But I had a good excuse: I was on vacation in Puerto Rico! And even though we all know I love the Bachelor franchise, I was just not prepared to take time out of my busy schedule of eating fried yucca and drinking Medalla beer to sit down and watch the two (or was it three? four?) hour Bachelor finale. So. Here we are.

I just watched the second half of the finale (where Brad proposes to Emily) and the After The Final Rose episode, and all I can say is “oy.” Clearly, these two are not gonna make it. That was sort of a foregone conclusion anyway, but I was surprised at how candid they were in discussing how poorly they’re doing. They were just like, “Yeah, we basically fight all the time and don’t really want to get married.” Damn, Gina.

The honesty was refreshing, since the usual protocol is to pull a Jake/Vienna: one second you’re slow dancing to “On the Wings of Love” and giving each other slutty promise rings, the next, you’re hurling insults at each other over Chris Harrison’s head. Actually, now that I’ve said that, I realize that the Jake/Vienna route is way more interesting (which is probably why the Bachelor franchise has now expanded to include Breakup Specials). I mean, to be honest, I enjoy the farcical aspect of these Bachelor relationships, especially the absolute denial of any discord up until the very second that the couple enters into a protracted Twitter war, accusing each other of being famewhore, rageaholic liars. It’s fun!

So anyway, Brad and Emily are pretty much dunzo, methinks. Speaking of which, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop with Roberto and Ali. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Ali – you should have picked Kirk.  But what’s done is done.

Anyway. Not much else to say about Brad and Emily, except that I hope Emily is shielding Lil’ Ricky Bobby from all of this nonsense. We’ll see what happens… in the meantime, we have what promises to be the most grating, shrill Bachelorette yet, Ashley H!  Can’t wait to hear her say the word “perf-ect” in that incredibly weird way like 5 million more times. Yippee.

Bachelor Brad – Episode 4

Note to readers: I did in fact live-blog this last night. I just didn’t live-publish it. Sorry.

Stuff gets crazy this week (based on the 20-second preview they just showed)! I am here to live-blog it, and my friend Lauren is here to live-text it (to her friend)! Here we go.

  • Michelle “wakes up with a black eye” (OBVIOUSLY self-inflicted) and through an amazing feat of crazy-bit** logic, manages to conclude that her black eye entitles her to a one-on-one date with Brad.  Sure, that makes sense. The same way that shooting Ronald Reagan to get Jodie Foster to date you makes sense. Smiling smugly, Michelle says that Brad WILL kiss her eye and WILL make it better. Run, Brad! RUN!!!
  • Chantal, an “executive assistant” (vaguest career description yet) gets the one-on-one date with Brad (eat it, Michelle!). Chantal shrieks, “it’s our OWN island!!!” as they land on Catalina Island… K, just to manage expectations here – Chantal, he owns bars. Not islands. But dream big, girlfriend!
  • Question: why do the producers of this show always bring girls on dates that involve their ONE TRUE FEAR? (i.e., taking Emily on a plane, taking Chantal “scuba diving” — if going underwater with a breathing tank on your head is considered scuba diving, which it’s not — but fine.)  Doesn’t that seem kind of cruel? And unusual, even?
  • Question number 2: why do Bachelor dates always involve eating dinner on a bed?
  • First bombshell of the date: Chantal was married?! And she *just* got divorced. But don’t worry, Brad, she’s definitely ready to be in a new disastrous relationship.
  • Meanwhile, Michelle has a breakdown and, I’m sorry, girlfriend looks ROUGH with no makeup. That fake black-eye does not help, either.
  • Chantal, who is clearly wasted during the one-on-one date, drunkenly apologizes for slapping Brad on the first episode and Brad says that he loves “her playfulness” and being “put in check” by her. Well, if you love being slapped by a drunk lady, it’s only gonna get better from here on out with Chantal, Brad!
  • Group date: Brad brings the ladies to “Love Line” with Dr. Drew. I love Dr. Drew, and I kinda feel like I know him since my best friend from high school, Rachel, and I went and saw him speak when we were 17 or so, and Rachel asked him an embarrassing question. Remember that, Rach?
  • Stacey admits, in front of Dr. Drew and the other girls and Brad, that she cheated in a past relationship. Good call, Stace. Get it all out there. This television/radio show is a safe space.
  • Ashley H. uses the word “erupting” to describe her feelings when Brad talks to other girls. Disturbing imagery, Ash.
  • Then Ashley S. steals Brad from Alli and then disingenuously asks Alli for a hug. Gross.
  • THEN, Jackie comes and steals Brad from Ashley S.! Take that, Ashley S.!
  • Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the date card arrives: Michelle gets it. Oh boy. Chantal, not helpfully, points out that all of the other date cards so far have mentioned “love” except for Michelle’s. My friend Lauren says, “Ugh, don’t bait the crazy bit**!”  Too bad Chantal can’t hear her.
  • Brit, who went to Stanford, by the way, has some one-on-one time with Brad, but it’s interrupted by Ashley H., who runs, with a wine glass, to break up the kissy time.  Ashley H., drunk, tells Brad she’s unhappy and he gets kinda pissed at her, for once. Nice. Ashley whines to him and Brad says there’s “no chance in Hell” he’s gonna give up on her. My question is: WHY NOT?! Give up on her! She’s a tightly wound nut! And annoying! And has wine lips!


  • Brit gets the rose. Go Cardinal.
  • Brad, the big dummy, pulls Ashley H. away before Michelle’s one-on-one date (which went over like a lead balloon with Crazy Michelle) and tells Ashley he doesn’t want to lose her (WHY NOT?!) and she starts bawling again.  Brad continues to beg her to give him a chance. What is going ON?!
  • More craziness from Michelle. She says she’d “elbow Ashley H. in the face” if she doesn’t get a rose. And I believe her!
  • Brad brings in a helicopter for their date and Michelle, ever the good sport, immediately demands to know where she’s being taken. He takes her to the top of a tall building and she says she feels like throwing up. Brad tells her they are going to rappel (actually, he says “repel”) down the side of the building, and, shocker, Michelle’s afraid of heights. Oh, Bachelor producers, you devious bastards.
  • As Michelle is being slowly lowered down the side of the building, she manages to call Brad “babe” several times. FOUL.  She’s not even rappelling!
  • After they “repel” down that building, Michelle and Brad make out in a pool (ew), and okay, and is it just me or did they show Michelle slowly, um, lowering herself into the water in front of Brad as they were making out? WTF?! This represents whole new heights of trashiness for this show. And this is the franchise that produced Vienna Girardi.
  • Michelle tells Brad she has introduced her child to several people she’s dated. Shocker.  And Brad says that he wants to meet her child. Ugh. BTW, Lauren and I googled Michelle to see a pic of her kid, who, not surprisingly, looks preeeeetty pageanty. Other gems that came up while googling Michelle: she might be Mormon (WHAT), and her last name is Money.
  • Brad’s therapist tells him it’s okay to make out with lots of ladies. I bet every dude in America wishes he had a therapist like Jamie to “validate” his “feelings.”
  • Uggghhhh, I am SUPER over people talking about their “walls.” Everyone and their mom has a wall up, or is taking a wall down, or is building a wall, or scaling it, or whatever. It seems to be the stock phrase on this season’s Bach and I am SICK of it.
  • Brad takes Emily aside for some alone time with a basket of blankets and stuff, and all of the other girls frigg out over it, especially Chantal, who cries AGAIN. She’s really establishing herself as the house Weepy Sue, which is quite a distinction in a house full of whiny crybabies. Brad tells her he’s “wildly attracted” to the fact that she is “independent.” Huh. So in this topsy-turvy world, crying and being the neediest girl in the world = being independent. I could get behind this.
  • Brad, against all odds, gives Ashley H., that  psycho, the last rose, which means three girls get sent home, including Meghan, who awkwardly ran out of the house afterwards, but at least she didn’t cry!

See all y’all next week!