Tube Topix

Meet my millionaires!

Millionaire Matchmaker is back, peeps!  This is one of my all-time favorite Bravo shows, so I am psyched for its return.

I am watching the season premiere (a little late) right now and loving it. Here’s the deal: this week, Patti is setting up two best friends, Omar and Nick, both of whom seem pretty immature and insecure, but one charmingly so (Nick) and the other not so charmingly so (Omar). One of the main clues that they both have some growing up to do: the awkward, white-boy rapper accents that they’re affecting. Um, painful.  Let me put it this way: the way they talk makes Eminem look authentic. These guys are like, I don’t know, Justin Timberlake circa 1999. Actually, does Justin Timberlake still talk like that? I haven’t actually heard him speak in 10 years or so, so I’m hoping it was just an unfortunate phase that all young boy-banders must pass through, ike a (second) bar mitzvah.

Anyway, this guy Omar, who I’ve decided I don’t like, makes his date, who was super cute and seemed like a good sport, haul junk with him for their first date, since he owns a junk-hauling business. Gross. She handled it way better than I would have, I think. I mean come on, what a jerk. I can’t believe he made this cute girl who was all dolled up in heels and pearls load junk onto a truck with him in order to test her to make sure she wasn’t just dating him for his money (plus, fatal flaw in Omar’s plan: how does making a chick haul junk for one date prove that she’s not a gold-digger, anyway?). She turned kinda bitchy at dinner, though, which I thought was justified. He deserved to be iced out after that ridiculousness.

Nick, meanwhile, took out a more “mature” woman, Dakota, and had a nice, romantic date.  It was cute.  She’s obviously too old for him, but I kinda dig it anyway.

K, that’s about it for Millionaire this week. Can’t wait until next week. I especially love how this season promises lots of over-the-top Pattiness. She has clearly become a total monster now that she’s engaged, which I think only adds to her appeal.  More to come…

Semi-live blogging the Bachelor, Part 1.

Hi peeps. I’m watching the Bachelor: On the Wings of Love (TBOTWOL) as we speak (I got home late from work so had to start watching it late, blast!) and was compelled to start blogging immediately because I’m already so deliciously intrigued and creeped out by the whole thing.  I’m gonna chase this feeling. Anyway, I won’t be able to blog this whole thing tonight because I gotta go to bed before it’s over, so this will be in two installments. Double the fun!

Let’s get right into it.  First of all, Rosslyn. Doesn’t she seem like she could be cast as the evil, beautiful, anorexic witch in any number of movies? The girl oozes cattiness and seems super duplicitous. She also seems like she’d lure children into her cottage and then eat them. I don’t know, I’m just getting a serious witch vibe from her.

Second, Allie and Jake’s flying date.  First things first: THEY ACTUALLY PLAYED “ON THE WINGS OF LOVE” DURING THE FLIGHT. Incredible. Anyway, Allie’s cute, I guess. She’s obviously not actually normal because she’s on The Bachelor, but I guess she’s relatively normal, for the show. Not a super high bar, considering that Michelle McCrazy (“I’m not ordinary like the other women”) is the competition, but still.  Next observation: was their kiss at dinner super weird or was it just me? They just held their mouths together but didn’t, like, move their mouths at all. They just smooshed their mouths together for an awkwardly long time. It made me feel awkward. That aside, I thought it was pretty cute that they went to a Chicago concert, although I’m not sure that band can actually be called Chicago now that Peter Cetera is gone, but I guess that’s a whole ‘nother kettle of fish. I bet Allie didn’t even know who Chicago was. Kids these days!

Random question: does anyone else get kind of an intense polygamist vibe when Jake is holding hands with more than one girl at the same time? Hey, maybe ABC should make all these women sister-wives so they can just share Jake instead of fighting over him. Everyone wins!

So, most awkward moment during group date number 2: when Elizabeth read her crazy-sounding, yet quite obviously disingenuous, letter to Jake telling him not to kiss her until she’s the last girl standing. Poor strategic move, if you ask me. Jake may claim to be an old-fashioned guy but I have a suspicion that his old-fashionedness only goes so far, if you know what I’m saying. I mean, let’s be honest, this show is fundamentally about sloppy, uncomfortable-to-watch make-out sessions under waterfalls and/or in hot tubs, followed by desperate, impersonal sex. And I kinda don’t think Jake is going to be the exception to that rule. But we’ll see, I guess.

Okay, so I strongly dislike Elizabeth. She’s terrible. Ugh, she’s so gross and manipulative. The whole, cutesy “Don’t kiss me! But don’t you want to kiss me?” thing is already extremely old, and it’s been like a minute. Pech.

So, at the beginning of the episode, I thought that maybe Michelle’s craziness had faded since the first episode, but it clearly hasn’t. Whew. For example, when that one girl interrupted her alone time with Jake, Michelle had that crazy astronaut look in her eyes.  She seems like the type who would know her way around a pair of adult diapers and some mace.

Ohhhh, so now stuff’s going down with Rosslyn! She got caught having an affair with a staff member. This is awesome! I knew I didn’t trust her! Didn’t I call this at the beginning of the post?! I so did.

Here’s the thing about this whole snafu, though. We all know that this entire show is a big ball of crap — I mean, it’s not actually about “love,” and the girls don’t actually know Jake any better than they know some random staff member. That doesn’t make it right, of course. It’s obviously super skanky that Rosslyn is screwing some staffer whom she just met on a cheezy reality show. However, it’s not like there’s any real, deep betrayal here. If Jake has two brain cells to rub together, he wouldn’t end up with some creepazoid like Rosslyn anyway, because she’s so transparently manipulative. Then again, he just said he thought Rosslyn “could be the one.” Hmmm… I can’t tell if he is actually that stupid and naive or if he’s a better actor than his IMDB profile would suggest. Oh, Jake, you’re such a mystery.

Okay, I’m off to bed. To be continued!

Prime Creep Mode

I’ve learned a lot about love from Jersey Shore.  For example, you don’t EVER make fun of your significant other’s toe. That’s a personal issue and it is NOT cool. Second, if your boyfriend didn’t care about you, he’d be out on the boardwalk creeping on some other creature, okay? Third, two people who love each other can occasionally call one another “f***ing disgusting,” “lame as f***” and/or a “stumpy bastard.”  It’s called honesty. Try it some time.

Actually, I am seriously considering putting some of these Jersey Shore pearls of wisdom into practice in my own relationship, in the hopes that my boyfriend and I can be as blissfully happy as Ronnie and Sammie (see below).

Oh, Ronnie and Sammi. Theirs is a tragic love story, made all the more tragic by Ronnie’s hair. Sometimes I feel like Aeschylus was a writing consultant on this show. I keep waiting for Mike to stab Ronnie to death, Sammi to murder Ronnie’s mother (how dare she tell Sammi to “fluff up quick”), and Pauly D to throw himself onto the burning funeral pyre. But maybe they’ll just take shots, do some laundry, and things will be cool.

Back to Sammi and Ronnie. Their relationship is characterized by bouts of cuddling interspersed with fights about nothing, followed by table flipping and/or sullen, solo grilling by Ronnie.  I guess I shouldn’t say the fights are about nothing. That’s not fair. For example, in the last episode, Ronnie made a playful reference to Sammi’s “Fred Flintstone toe,” and then, obviously, everything went to hell because he had totally crossed the line. He should have known not to attack Sammi as a person like that. As Sammi explained, “it’s the worst thing [he] could possibly do.”

After Ronnie tried to convince Sammi that he cared, to no avail, Ronnie gave up and, inevitably, went into “pure creep mode” to go find some creatures on the boardwalk. Hey, he was left without options. But, once Ronnie got to Karma, he realized that he couldn’t do it. He went back to Sammi and begged for her forgiveness, saying, “I do regret what I did.” Sammi was a big enough person to forgive him.

Things soon fell apart again, though, when Ronnie and Sammi got into a confrontation the next night with some guy on the boardwalk who was harassing them about being from New York. Ronnie tried to defend Sammi’s honor, but she insisted on “Italianizing” the situation, which I think means antagonizing someone in a Long Island accent. Sammi kept engaging with the other guy and his girlfriend, while Ronnie tried to defuse the situation, and eventually Ronnie shoved her to get her to shut her mouth. Reasonable. Then Ronnie got in a pretty intense looking fight with the other guy (“Come at me, bro!”) while Sammi walked away.

After Ronnie kicked the living crap out of the other guy, Sammi then tried to weasel back into Ronnie’s good graces, and for a few brief moments, I thought Ronnie was going to come to his senses and break it off with her. Somehow, though, the world turned topsy-turvy again and the episode ended with Ronnie begging for Sammi’s forgiveness while she sobbed and told him that he had “traumatized” her.  The episode closed with moody alt-rock and this observation from Ronnie: “I have the best girl in Seaside, and I don’t wanna mess this up.”

Huh. I think a quote from Henry Louis Mencken is appropriate here: “Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.” Good luck, Ronnie.