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Just a quick word on Teen Mom.

So, first, as you may have noticed, I haven’t been keeping up with the reality TV lately for two reasons: 1) work, and 2) Mad Men. Mostly Mad Men. It seems that I showed up approximately 4 years late to the Mad Men party and went on a bender to compensate (which seems fitting, doesn’t it?). I actually made it mid-way through season 4 before my Netflix mysteriously puttered out. So I’ve come back to my roots and have started watching my stories* again. Why, just tonight I watched Millionaire Matchmaker (the weird, inbred looking Danish “prince” and the adorable nerd) and Teen Mom! I’m on a roll!

Anyway, what struck me tonight about Teen Mom (which I haven’t been keeping up with at all lately, btw) was how astoundingly stupid Maci is.  Girl is as dumb as a box of rocks. One sandwich short of a picnic. Not the sharpest lightbulb in the deck.  I mean, she has this child, “Bintley,” with her no-good ex-boyfriend, Ryan, and that situation is fraught with tension, and she still hasn’t finished school or really done anything else with her life for the past few years, ’cause, you know, she’s a teen mom, and yet – she wants to have *another* baby with her current boyfriend.  She was like, “I only see Bintley for half the week so I’m just sitting here bored the other half. So I might as well have another baby so I won’t be bored.” Really? No, I mean, really, Maci? Have you learned nothing from Dr. Drew?

Sigh.

*reality TV


Milly Match

(Introductory note: I’m going to try a new format for the Millionaire Matchmaker entry this week: I’m going to break it down by each of Patti’s clients, instead of describing the show chronologically. Just a heads up.)

Mill Match this week started off with a bang, with the revelation that Patti hosts a “racy” radio show and dispenses gross sex advice!  How did I not know this before? It might be worth it to get XM radio for this.  Anyway, Patti has two clients this week: 1) Jason Davis, aka “Gummi Bear,” brother of Brandon Davis (aka “Greasy Bear”).  They are the super creepy heirs to an oil fortune and are all up in the tabloids.  2) David, some generic, handsome guy who says his “ideal woman” would have “Meg Ryan’s personality.”  At least he didn’t say he was looking for a woman with Meg Ryan’s lips, I guess.

David

David’s whole thing is that he is tan and handsome and wants romance but doesn’t ever approach women.  Patti thinks David has cruised through life depending on that adorable cleft in his chin, but she’s going to change all that.

Patti sends David to some sort of bitchy, male life guru to encourage David to put himself out there more with women.  They bring in two women from the mixer to see how David handles himself with them.  Two tranquilized-looking blondes wander in and strike up a conversation with him (asking him such scintillating questions as, “You look really tan, do you vacay a lot?”) and Jason takes that opportunity to drone on about running on the beach and his “cruise ship” lifestyle. He doesn’t ask the girls any questions about themselves, so Life Coach Man jumps in and rips David a new one. Lesson learned!

Since Patti didn’t find many good women for David’s mixer, she asks one of her millionairesses, Leslie, to join the crowd. For his final two choices, David ends up picking Leslie and Claudia, some 25-year-old waitress from Miami with, you guessed it, big fake boobs.

Claudia seems dumb as a post and has a bony back. David’s conclusion: “She just seems like a really sweet girl.”

Leslie and David seem to genuinely hit it off, but David, thinking with not so much with his brain, chooses Claudia. Patti steps in to set him straight and he rethinks, and ta-dah! he picks Leslie, the 40-something millionairess. Now you’re thinking, Dave.

David shows up on a Harley to take Leslie on a date.  In the harsh light of daytime, Leslie looks sort of like the late, great Patrick Swayze in “To Wong Foo,” but, like Patti said, she’s age appropriate and she has her own money, so whatever.

Leslie and David actually seem to have a nice connection, but David later complains to Patti about the fact that Leslie has grown-up kids and that she is therefore too old to have another baby.  This does not sit well with Patti, who accuses him of just looking for a “baby maker.” Um, yup.

Jason

How to describe Jason? His voice sounds like he’s been sucking helium. He lives surrounded by stuffed animals. He uses an extraneous cane.  He wears tee-shirts with his hairy, oddly shaped stomach hanging out. He wears Elton John glasses.

Also, Jason says he’s 25 and wants to find love because he wants to be able to chase after his kids when he has them, and not be too ancient.  Better get on that, Jason.  You probably only have another four decades or so before you won’t be able to chase energetically after those kids anymore, so time’s a tickin’!

Anyway, Jason needs a makeover, and you know if Patti Stanger’s involved and a man needs a makeover, there’s gonna be spray tan involved.  And probably a male manicure.  Both were involved here.  For some reason, Patti’s mohawk-ed male employee accompanies Jason on his makeover journey, I guess to get a better read on what he’s looking for/make sure he’s not drugged out of his mind.  Unclear what the verdict was on either of those fronts.

So, after the mixer, Jason picks two girls: Susan and Stephanie. Guess which one I’m voting for? Susan is a nurse wearing an inappropriately low-cut top. She is also boring. Stephanie says she likes to shop, travel, and gamble.  Jason picks Stephanie.  I mean, how can you NOT prefer a girl named Stephanie in any given situation?

On Jason and Stephanie’s date, it seems like Jason is testing her to see how much crap she can take.  She’s a good sport and doesn’t let anything get to her, even when Jason takes her to his house and there is, inexplicably, a monkey running around.  Actually, bringing a monkey on a date is sort of awesome.  What’s not so awesome is when Jason tells Stephanie to serve the food and farts in front of her.  Amazingly, Stephanie seems completely unfazed by all of this and they end up sloppily making out in the end.

Jason comes in later to see Patti and reports that he asked Stephanie for another date, but Stephanie apparently said she had a boyfriend.  So Patti calls Stephanie to find out the deal, and Stephanie gives her a big line of B.S. and denies that she and Jason made out.  Ouch! Poor Jason. I was sort of rooting for him, despite his weirdness and silly cane walking.

Ah, well, no new love this week! Patti better deliver next week.

Final note: best part of this whole episode was when some redhead who Patti had yelled at earlier for calling David “too old” shows up at the mixer and gives Patti attitude (oh no she DIDN’T!!!!) and Patti waves her engagement ring in her face and calls her an “ugly, firecrotch b***h” and kicks her out.  These are the Patti moments I live for.


She-Devil Shauna

I am WAY behind in TV, since my boyf was visiting this weekend and we were too busy drinking wine and eating crap all weekend to watch any reality TV.   Anyway, the bf is doing his law school reading now so I have a spare moment to catch up on important tasks, like watching Millionaire Matchmaker.

This past week’s episode saw the return of the infamous Shauna, the hard-charging cougar from Minnesota who hates Patti and apparently hates any man who has aged out of casting for The Real World.  She’s terrible.  I don’t get why Shauna keeps coming back to Patti, though, since she clearly despises her and doesn’t respect her methods. It’s a mystery!

This episode also involved a millionaire named Michael, who seems cute and nice but kind of dull.  Patti makes him do some weird improv lesson (to “help him break out of his shell”), which Patti also participates in. At one point, she stood in the wings shrieking at Michael to kiss some girl in the improv class until he relented and pecked her.  Patti’s such a monster, and I love her!

K, so Shauna, against her better judgment, picks Marc, the “old guy,” who is 51 — that’s like dating Methuselah for Shauna.  For being so stinkingly ancient, though, Marc is pretty hot — and he used to date Heidi Klum!  Before the date, Marc sent Shauna a red dress to wear and she bitched about how awful and ugly it was.  Then, they meet up for the date and are about to get in the cab when Shauna runs back into the hotel and starts FREAKING the F out, screaming, “I cannot go anyplace with that guy! That guy is older than my grandpa!” Is her grandpa 9 years older than her? And a model? Because if so, that does seem like an apt comparison.

Later, Shauna says that the reason she ditched Marc was because “his energy didn’t work for me.” Then she blames Patti for “pushing” her to go on the date with Marc, which sends Patti over the deep end, obviously. Much shrieking ensues on both ends.  Then there is a sad shot of Marc dining alone at Spago, morosely sipping on a glass of red wine. Aw. Something tells me Hot Old Marc will be okay, though.

Finally, Shauna comes in to the office to get set up again and gives Patti a hard time AGAIN, causing Patti to unceremoniously kick her out of the Millionaires’ Club.  We’ll see if Shauna comes slinking back for more later in the season — she can’t seem to stay away!


Meet my millionaires!

Millionaire Matchmaker is back, peeps!  This is one of my all-time favorite Bravo shows, so I am psyched for its return.

I am watching the season premiere (a little late) right now and loving it. Here’s the deal: this week, Patti is setting up two best friends, Omar and Nick, both of whom seem pretty immature and insecure, but one charmingly so (Nick) and the other not so charmingly so (Omar). One of the main clues that they both have some growing up to do: the awkward, white-boy rapper accents that they’re affecting. Um, painful.  Let me put it this way: the way they talk makes Eminem look authentic. These guys are like, I don’t know, Justin Timberlake circa 1999. Actually, does Justin Timberlake still talk like that? I haven’t actually heard him speak in 10 years or so, so I’m hoping it was just an unfortunate phase that all young boy-banders must pass through, ike a (second) bar mitzvah.

Anyway, this guy Omar, who I’ve decided I don’t like, makes his date, who was super cute and seemed like a good sport, haul junk with him for their first date, since he owns a junk-hauling business. Gross. She handled it way better than I would have, I think. I mean come on, what a jerk. I can’t believe he made this cute girl who was all dolled up in heels and pearls load junk onto a truck with him in order to test her to make sure she wasn’t just dating him for his money (plus, fatal flaw in Omar’s plan: how does making a chick haul junk for one date prove that she’s not a gold-digger, anyway?). She turned kinda bitchy at dinner, though, which I thought was justified. He deserved to be iced out after that ridiculousness.

Nick, meanwhile, took out a more “mature” woman, Dakota, and had a nice, romantic date.  It was cute.  She’s obviously too old for him, but I kinda dig it anyway.

K, that’s about it for Millionaire this week. Can’t wait until next week. I especially love how this season promises lots of over-the-top Pattiness. She has clearly become a total monster now that she’s engaged, which I think only adds to her appeal.  More to come…


Yello!

Hi everyone! Welcome to my new reality TV blog. I am super excited to be sharing my TV musings with you all.

Tonight’s a big night for me on the reality TV front: there’s a new Jersey Shore AND a new Real Housewives of Orange County on, at the SAME TIME. Thank God my DVR is there to prevent me from having to make the painful Sophie’s choice between the two. Crisis averted.

Since there will be a lot to write about after tonight,  I thought I’d use my first post to give you all an idea of the kind of shows I watch and love, so you’ll know what to look forward to here. In no particular order, here are just a few of my current favorites:
  1. The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love: a spectacle of human neediness, fame-whoring, and vapidity that manages to combine, improbably, awkwardness, cattiness, and romantic cliche. I don’t normally watch the Bachelor (the last full season I watched was 8 years ago, when I was 19 and watched such things in a big group of girls) but I’ve already been sucked in by this season, which involves a “commercial airline pilot”/actor named Jake who seems at once sincere, socially awkward, and dimwitted. But he’s hot, so it works. And, needless to say, the women are all awful, heinous human beings.
  2. The Real Housewives franchise: Orange County, Atlanta, New York, New Jersey: I watch ’em all. I can’t decide which cast is my favorite – they’re all so unique and wonderful in their own way. It’s kinda hard to beat the Italian, big-haired, fake-boobed, teetering-on-the-brink-of-psychosis vibe that the wives of New Jersey had, though.  Two words: table flipping.
  3. Jersey Shore: Indescribable (much like “The Situation”). “‘The Situation’ is indescribable. You can’t describe ‘The Situation.’ ” — Michael, “The Situation,” describing the situation, Episode 1. Please see http://tmagazine.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/17/the-jersey-shore-handbook/?scp=2&sq=jersey%20shore&st=cs
  4. Oprah: Come on, it’s Oprah. You have to watch her. And we only have her for another year and a half, so no excuses.
  5. Parental Control: one of many ingenious MTV shows that mashes up teens, sex, and parents. MTV describes the show this way: “In each episode, concerned parents will be setting-up their precious son or daughter on two handpicked blind dates. And now, Mom and Dad will be meeting with the potential suitors at the MTV offices, where the boys and girls will do ANYTHING to impress them. If Mom and Dad have their way, one of these hot new daters will charm their kid into dumping their old boyfriends or girlfriends. And if this isn’t hard enough for the current flame to deal with, they’ll be watching every moment of these sexy and outrageous dates with the very parents who want them gone.” Trust me, it’s awesome. And, it’s completely scripted and staged, which somehow makes it more entertaining, not less.
  6. Teen Mom: This is a spin-off from the earlier, successful MTV show “16 and Pregnant,” the title of which speaks for itself. You can also probably guess what Teen Mom is about. The trials and travails of teenage mothers makes for great, if not depressing, TV.  One particularly intriguing/vile character is Farrah, a cheerleader who had a baby who she has unceremoniously dumped upon her parents so that she can be free to go out and date creepy, older foreign dudes — you know, so she can just be a “normal teen.”
  7. Secret Lives of Women: this show has first-person accounts from women from all walks of life — but mostly from bizarre walks of life. Each episode has a different, salacious theme, including husband beaters, women of erotica, mail-order brides, polygamists, cultists, child brides, and mothers of murderers. It’s very educational.
  8. The Millionaire Matchmaker: Patti Stanger, professional matchmaker and semi-professional nutjob, sets up millionaires with gold-diggers. Sparks fly.

Of course, this is just a sampling of the veritable smorgasbord of reality TV shows on the air now.  There’s a lot out there, guys. Get excited.

I’ll catch you on the flippy-flip.