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Orange County Timewarp

I love the Real Housewives of Orange County. I love the uniform blondeness, their seemingly masochistic desire to constantly interact with women they despise, the constant cocktail drinking, the insistence on calling even post-menopausal women “girls.” What I don’t love, though, is the weird, retro vibe that a lot of these women seem to have going on in their marriages and love relationships.  This season, I’ve noticed a lot more talk about “traditional” relationships, especially from Tamra and Simon (who recently filed for divorce, by the way) and the uber-creepy Alexis and Jim.

Both of these couples have a strict “no traveling apart” policy, meaning that business trips and “girls’ weekends” are verboten, and Alexis and Jim even brag that they’ve never spent a night apart since getting married. Uh, congrats?  Creepy Alexis and Creepy Jim also boast about their “traditional” “Christian” marriage.  Whatever branch of Christianity they subscribe to apparently prescribes abundant boobs, because Alexis’ chest is out of control.  I mean, it’s truly horrifying: her boobs go in opposite directions, for goodness’ sakes.

Anyway.  She is also a stay-at-home mom who nonetheless requires several nannies to raise her kids, because she has a very demanding schedule of gym-going and martini-swilling to attend to.

Alexis and Jim also have the unfortunate habit of preaching to other couples about how to make a marriage work. The formula to being a happy wife, according to Alexis, appears to be: no independent life or interests apart from husband + breast implants + frequent martinis + diamond ring the size of a small boulder. And, ta-dah, you’re happily married!

On last week’s episode, the Evil Gretchen had a Tupperware party (hosted by a drag queen) and invited the “girls” and their husbands. What man in his right mind would be interested in attending a Tupperware party is beyond me, but apparently going to parties alone is a no-no for Alexis, so Jim came along. Anyway, he was sitting there and some other woman at the party started to talk to him and Alexis completely flipped her lid! She told the other woman off for “flirting” with her husband and made quite the scene. It’s kinda cute how Alexis thinks her husband is actually attractive enough for another woman to go after at a Tupperware party — cute in a deluded sort of way, since Jim is, um, not traditionally handsome.  I guess unhinged jealousy is another key to a happy marriage!