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The Women Tell All!!!

I am freaking out with excitement right now. Why? Because it’s the Bachelor Reunion Show tonight and I WILL be live-blogging it!!

Fair warning: I might be missing/absent from the blogging scene in the coming month or so because my work (oh yeah, that) is going to be getting cray-cray until mid-April.  But let’s not think about such things until after the Bachelor.

Here we go!

Okay, right off the bat, I’m super disappointed that Vienna and Tenley aren’t going to be present tonight, and I’m also wondering why ABC chooses to do this reunion show before we even know which person Jake has picked.  Seems a bit manipulative.  Then again, bold-faced emotional manipulation is very in keeping with the spirit of The Bachelor, so I guess it makes sense. Well played, ABC.

Jake and Chris discuss the biggest “game players” on the show: Rozlyn and Elizabeth. Yawn. Then they talk about the Dreaded Vienna and Milquetoast Tenley.  Yawn. Then they relive the moment where Ali leaves. Yawn. This is incredibly boring. When are the women going to start shrieking and scratching each other’s eyes out and stuff? More importantly, when are they going to tell all, as promised?

Now Chris says we are going to “take a look at a sexy new phenomenon:” Bachelor reunions.  How did I miss out on this sexy new phenomenon, which appears to involve all of the Bachelor Fails getting together in some debauched setting and sloppily making out?  Probably because I haven’t been on the Bachelor… YET (kidding!).  Okay, five minutes into discovering this sexy new phenomenon, I am already bored with it.  I’m starting to think ABC doesn’t have as much eye-scratching footage to fill this two-hour episode as I was led to believe.

And now we get to see more past Bachelor Fails doing “charity.” This is bulls**t!  Is a little eye-clawing SO much to ask of a freaking Bachelor reunion show? I am now officially so bored that I am online shopping for a bikini during the show. This is clearly unacceptable.

Okay, FINALLY the women are introduced, including the rando ones who I never actually knew were on the show until they were eliminated (hi, Valishia).  They play some clips of the girls trash-talking each other.  Some of the judgments: Rozlyn (tacky, inappropriate), Michelle (crazy eyes, space cadet), Tenley (she “sh*ts rainbows,” according to Gia), Elizabeth (“black widow”), and, of course, Vienna (“trailer trash wh**e,” according to Ashley H.).

Okay, now let’s find out what was wrong with Gia to make Jake dump her!  It’s probably because she’s so ugly.  Oh, okay, the verdict seems to be that Gia held back too much.  Turns out giving it up in the Fantasy Suite isn’t enough to keep a Bachelor hooked, after all — you have to bare your soul, too, apparently.

Oh, good, it’s time for Crazy Michelle!  No matter how many times I see her scary intensity (“it will kill me if I don’t get Jake”), it never gets less creepy.  Plus, I keep imagining what it must be like to be her as she’s watching herself act like a Certified Nutcase on TV.  Awkward, I imagine.  Although maybe she can’t recognize the awkwardness through the overwhelming Fog of Insanity she’s operating with.  Elizabeth plants a fake smile on her face and tells Michelle she needs therapy, which Michelle hotly denies, saying “I’m stable.” The audience laughs. Ouch.

Ali’s turn.  I used to like Ali, actually, before she became a whiny crybaby.  She seems less whiny tonight, and she apologizes for being mean to Vienna. She does manage to point out during her apology that Vienna is being trashed in the tabloids, which seems a bit backhanded, but whatever. Chris asks her if she’d choose love over her job, and she says yes, knowing what she knows now.  What does she know now that she didn’t know before? Jake still isn’t going to give her a guarantee of engagement — what did she learn from leaving?  Anyway, I think Ali will be okay — she’s got the Bachelorette thing in the bag, I’m convinced.

They bring out Rozlyn, the official villain of the season, who gives off a really intense, sociopathic vibe.  She denies everything, up and down, left and right, and Chris tries, with no success, to make her come clean.  Then Rozlyn gets really nasty with him! This is finally getting good, an hour and a half in.  Rozlyn asks Chris sarcastically to define “what kind of physical relationship” she was having with the producer, so Chris asks the women to describe what they saw. Rozlyn denies, denies, denies, and then accuses Chris of having hidden cameras in the house AND of hitting on her producer-lover’s wife in New Zealand. WHOA. Who does she think she is? You don’t attack Chris Harrison! You just don’t.

Now they bring out Jake, who both looks and sounds different somehow on the reunion show than he does on the regular show. It’s weird.  Jake starts tearing up about 5 seconds into the chat — shocker.

Wow, this is REALLY boring. Even the “bloopers” they show are boring. Gosh.

Ooh, okay, there is finally a juicy part at the end, when they show what’s coming up on the “dramatic season finale.”  Basically, Jake tells Tenley that he thinks they don’t have enough “heat,” which I think means physical chemistry. Oh, man! I knew it! Jake is going to pick Vienna because she’s sluttier! Unbelievable.

Can’t wait until next week. Hope I’ll be able to blog it for you all!

Jersey Shore Reunion Bonanza!

Jersey Shore reunion show: who watched it? Oh my heavens, it’s incredible! I am just getting to it now after coming back from New York, and it’s exactly what I needed after spending four hours on a stuffy bus.

A lot of stuff went down on the show, but the only thing really worth writing about is the long overdue confrontation between Sammi and Ronnie. MTV showed “never before seen” footage where Sammi is seen admitting to The Situation that she enjoys flirting with other guys (despite being “together” with Ronnie) and that she thinks he, The Situation, is “sweet” and a “great guy.” Ronnie watched this footage on the reunion show and interpreted it to mean — correctly, in my view — that Sammi is a two-faced she-devil that can’t be trusted. DUH, Ronnie.

I mean, okay, in the great scheme of things maybe Sammi’s telling The Situation that he’s a sweet guy while he’s perched like a vulture at the end of her bed, ready to swoop in on his twitching prey, shouldn’t be a total dealbreaker for Ronnie and Sammie’s relationship, but then again, maybe it should. That interaction represents Sammi’s whole slimy M.O.: she does what she wants to do, no matter how it affects anyone else, and consequently she isn’t loyal to Ronnie if it’s not convenient or fun for her. Not great girlfriend material.  I hope she and Ronnie actually do stay broken up this time. He can do better; as my mom pointed out, he’s a “nice boy.”

The only other (traumatizing) highlight of the reunion show: Snooki and Mike hinting that they might still be hooking up. Horrible… Just horrible.