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Bachelor Sean, Episode 2

The Bachelor wastes no time this week jumping into a shot of Bachelor Sean (BS) working out with no shirt — AGAIN.  I think even we heterosexual ladies are a little ab’d out by now, ABC. Enough already. After some close-ups of Sean rinsing his hair while staring pensively into space, we jump to footage of Chris Harrison reminding the ladies that BS is the “most sincere Bachelor” ever. Which is a really low bar.

The first one-on-one date goes to Sarah, the one-armed girl.  The other ladies have to pretend to be happy for her because she has one arm and they feel that they can’t be bitchy to her (yet). Guess what she gets picked up in for her date? A HELICOPTER.  Kacie B. is shocked by this, because she has never seen a helicopter before! Except for that other time she was on the Bachelor. Soaring music plays as the helicopter takes off. Sarah may have one arm but she has two butt cheeks and Sean finds one of them and puts his hand on it.

In another completely unprecedented Bachelor move, BS and Sarah go to the top of a tall building, where BS tells her they’ll be free-falling down to the ground (300 feet).  This should be surprising to no one.  It wouldn’t be a real Bachelor date if there weren’t some combo of helicopter, tall building, champagne, and the word “amazing.” But I’ll admit, this date is legit scary.  Sarah screams the entire way down, which is embarrassing for her.

For the dinner portion of their date, BS and Sarah drink wine and Sarah tells BS a story about how she wasn’t allowed to go zip-lining in Las Vegas because she was disabled.  She says the experience taught her that she needs a strong man in her life to help her handle those situations. Wait, what? That’s the lesson in that story? Sigh.

At dinner, Sean asks Sarah about her ex. She says they broke up because she wanted someone more spontaneous and adventurous. Which is the opposite of Sean, basically.  Right? I mean, at base, he seems like kind of a boring, nice guy. Speaking of boring, BS then takes Sarah to another roof to give her a rose and they share a boring, chemistry-free kiss. Nonetheless, Sarah says this is the most “amazing date of [her] entire life” and she feels like she’s falling in love with him. Oh, Lordy.

Group date time. The ladies say “wooo” a lot and clink mimosa glasses in a limo. Tierra establishes herself early on as kind of a brat, doing a series of snaps in the air and saying that she doesn’t want anyone getting in her way. [Legal notice to Tierra: only Beyonce may use snaps.  Please discontinue your use of all snaps and snap-related arm movements upon receipt of this notice.] The limo drives up to a “castle,” and, true to form, Selma describes Sean as “a Prince Charming.”  Not just “Prince Charming,” which would be bad enough.  It’s worth noting that this is the second time in recent Bachelor memory that someone has used the term “a Prince Charming.” Which implies: a) the existence of multiple Prince Charmings, plural, and b) that these women are morons.

For the group date, BS and the ladies act as cover models for Harlequin romance novels.  “Woo”s all around. Also, the ladies are turning against Tierra, who, I have to say, has soooort of a harsh face. Like, both in the sense that she has sort of a nasty look on her face, but also that it’s sort of weather-beaten. Is that mean? Meanwhile, Sean thinks Tierra is “sweet.” Which pretty much comes down to the fact that she laughs a lot and overpronounces words. 1 +1 = 2.

Oh my God, also, before I forget, can we talk about how Tierra has the same face as Sarah Palin? Once you see this, I promise you won’t be able to unsee it.

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Spooky, eh?

Things that happen during the photo shoot: Diana rips Sean’s shirt off and pronounces the word ideal “i-dill;” DC Lesley (who sucks) kisses BS on the lips; Tierra gives a crazy evil eye to pretty much everyone in her immediate vicinity; Kristy uses the word “ecstatic” too many times then paws Sean like a tigress; Tierra uses the phrase “I’m here for Sean” and then speaks about herself in the third person.

Kristy, the professional model, wins the competition. Probably since it was a modeling competition. After, Sean takes the crestfallen ladies to a pool party. Kacie B, who is looking sort of bedraggled, says she wants to explore what she and BS have. Which, as far as I can tell, is nothing.

Meanwhile, BS is “connecting” with DC Lesley — horrible, horrible DC Lesley — who proves definitively that she is from DC by being really socially awkward. Which BS finds “cute,” since he has probably never met an awkward lady from DC before.  Sean needs to come hang out at a law firm cocktail party sometime; he’d find everyone adorable.

BS then cycles through the other ladies, but Lesley goes back for more. The other women are not psyched. Lesley takes charge and kisses BS for like five seconds and then says, “I just wanted to leave you with that.”  Then she adds, “Short and sweet, just like that.  Leave you wanting more.” Stop talking, Lesley.

Now it’s Kacie B.’s turn, who says she “never” expected to be back on the Bachelor again.  SO surprising, right guys? Given that she’s only been on two other Bachelor series so far.  Methinks Kacie B. is laboring under the delusion that the only way to date men is by going on TV shows.  What’s she gonna do if things don’t work out with Sean? Wait until Season 18 of the Bachelor rolls around? Unless she can get herself booked on Rock of Love IV in the meantime, that means she’s probably only going to go on one date next year.  Kacie B., understandably desperate for this to work out, asks Sean if he sees her as a friend and he says he wants to “explore whatever this is.”  Kacie B., who apparently speaks another language, interprets this comment as moving her from “friendzone to girlfriend zone.” Also, not to be judgmental, but she’s slurring her words like a drunk when she talks to the camera.

Catherine (graphic designer from Seattle) tells BS she’s vegan but she loves the beef. Ew. Is she taking over the inappropriately sexy Asian lady role on this season’s Bachelor? Remember the Cambodian woman on Jake’s season who said to him, in Cambodian, “Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime?” Because I do.

Anyway… Selma’s awful, huh?

Tierra finally gets some alone time with BS, who has noticed that she “looked bothered” after the photo shoot. Tierra gives him some crap line about how she’s “guarded” and outside of her comfort zone. She’s thisclose from using the term “protecting my heart.”  I can feel it. Sean reassures her that he likes her. Bluh bluh bluh.

Katie, the yoga instructor with 80s hair, seems like one of the more normal girls on the show because she feels uncomfortable. But like… is it fair to ask why she came on the show? At this point, Season 17 of the Bachelor, shouldn’t you have an idea of how this show goes? It probably shouldn’t come as a shock that there will be other women in the Bachelor manse and that they will most likely be terrible. But Katie seems really thrown off by the whole thing, so she goes to tell BS that she’s not adjusting well and that she wants to go home. Welp. There goes Katie.

At the end of the night, BS gives the rose to Kacie B. because it’s “not easy to go through this twice.” So this is explicitly a pity rose. Good for you, Kacie. Play to your strengths.

For BS’s next one-on-one date, he takes out Desiree for a date that’s arranged around a lame prank. While explaining the prank to BS, Chris Harrison uses the word “supposably.” The idea is that Desiree and BS go to an art gallery and one of the “priceless pieces of art” falls and Desiree is made to feel that it’s her fault. Exactly what every girl dreams of for her first date.

Long story short, the fake piece of art falls and shatters into a million pieces and the fake artist yells at Desiree. Then Sean comes in and saves the day. I get the sense that Desiree knew this was an act the whole time but she did a good job pretending to be a good sport. After that, they go back to Sean’s “place” (paid for by ABC) and eat dinner.  BS and Desiree trade stories of how “cute” their parents are and how ideal their marriages are. Maybe their parents should just get married to each other, then.  Skip the middle-man.

During the date, Desiree has this crazy look on her face like she’s about to cry, and it makes me nervous. Next thing you know, BS and Desiree are in a hot tub. Of course.  They speak entirely in cliches (BS: “Love to me means I cannot go another day without having you in my life and I want to spend forever with you.” Desiree: “If you love someone, you think about the future. You honestly always will think about the future.”).  Then Desiree concludes that they are “on the same page” about marriage. Well, that was easy.

BS gives her a rose and she pretends not to want to accept it because of the lame prank he played on her. Which in itself is kind of a lame prank. These two are made for each other. Afterwards, they make out in the hot tub and honestly, Sean does not move his mouth when he kisses. Did he learn NOTHING from Arie’s kissing lessons?

Final cocktail party. Sean talks to Lindsay (drunk wedding dress girl) alone and damn it if she doesn’t seem drunk again. Not as drunk. But still pretty drunk. She apologizes for her behavior last episode and Sean accepts. They have another cliched conversation about the importance of “marrying your best friend.” I liked Lindsay better when she was drunker. Sean, meanwhile, says he is “blown away” by Lindsay.

Other things that happen:

  • Amanda is being a weirdo and everyone is “uncomfortable” with her antisocial behavior. She sits on the couch glowering and not responding to the other women talking to her. The general consensus is that Amanda is “here for the wrong reasons.”
  • Robyn wants to know if Sean is attracted to black women.  She asks Sean what he likes and he says he doesn’t have a type and that his last girlfriend was black. Color me impressed, BS! No pun intended. Seriously.
  • Selma tries to teach Sean a phrase in Arabic that means “you’re very beautiful.”  We get it, you’re ethnic.

Rose ceremony time. Finally. This episode felt interminable. Roses go to: AshLee, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M. (DC), Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Lesley H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and Amanda. That means Diana (the Mormon with two kids) and Brooke (the third black girl) are going home. They both handle it surprisingly well, except Diana cries a little, which is silly.

NEXT WEEK on the Bachelor, someone falls down the stairs. Can’t wait!

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