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Memory lane – Vienna v. Jake

K, so just writing about Jake and Vienna made me nostalgic for the fantastically ridiculous shipwreck (that’s a step up from trainwreck, by the way) that was their “relationship.” Let’s take a walk down memory lane and re-live the Jake-Vienna smackdown, shall we?

I miss those crazy kids and their crazy eyes!



Bachelor Rehash

So, let’s just get the elephant out of the room right now and address the fact that I missed blogging the final Bachelor Brad episode.  I feel terrible, obviously. I know I let a lot of people down last week. But I had a good excuse: I was on vacation in Puerto Rico! And even though we all know I love the Bachelor franchise, I was just not prepared to take time out of my busy schedule of eating fried yucca and drinking Medalla beer to sit down and watch the two (or was it three? four?) hour Bachelor finale. So. Here we are.

I just watched the second half of the finale (where Brad proposes to Emily) and the After The Final Rose episode, and all I can say is “oy.” Clearly, these two are not gonna make it. That was sort of a foregone conclusion anyway, but I was surprised at how candid they were in discussing how poorly they’re doing. They were just like, “Yeah, we basically fight all the time and don’t really want to get married.” Damn, Gina.

The honesty was refreshing, since the usual protocol is to pull a Jake/Vienna: one second you’re slow dancing to “On the Wings of Love” and giving each other slutty promise rings, the next, you’re hurling insults at each other over Chris Harrison’s head. Actually, now that I’ve said that, I realize that the Jake/Vienna route is way more interesting (which is probably why the Bachelor franchise has now expanded to include Breakup Specials). I mean, to be honest, I enjoy the farcical aspect of these Bachelor relationships, especially the absolute denial of any discord up until the very second that the couple enters into a protracted Twitter war, accusing each other of being famewhore, rageaholic liars. It’s fun!

So anyway, Brad and Emily are pretty much dunzo, methinks. Speaking of which, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop with Roberto and Ali. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Ali – you should have picked Kirk.  But what’s done is done.

Anyway. Not much else to say about Brad and Emily, except that I hope Emily is shielding Lil’ Ricky Bobby from all of this nonsense. We’ll see what happens… in the meantime, we have what promises to be the most grating, shrill Bachelorette yet, Ashley H!  Can’t wait to hear her say the word “perf-ect” in that incredibly weird way like 5 million more times. Yippee.

The Bachelor FINALE, part 2

Jake wakes up, shirtless and wearing Hammer pants, in St. Lucia, and weighs the difficult decision he has ahead of him.  He thinks that he would have a “blessed life” with Tenley, but has such “great chemistry” with Vienna.

Tenley wakes up with a full face of make-up and reminds us that she gets “butterflies” when she’s with Jake. She also says Jake makes her feel “safe.” Interesting, since she’s about to be on the chopping block.

Vienna wakes up in her slutty green bikini and says that she is “head over heels in love” with Jake. *Gratuitous shot of Vienna showering.*

*The* Neil Lane comes over to help Jake pick out an engagement ring. Jake claims he hasn’t chosen between the two yet. He looks at all of the rings but doesn’t know what to pick. He then tearfully pores over both rings, which are both ugly and gaudy. Pretty appropriate, given the circumstances.

Jake has MADE HIS DECISION. One woman “has [his] heart a little bit more than the other.” WHO WILL IT BE??! I hate to say it, but I think Jake is going to think with a body part other than his head and choose Vienna. Boyfriend: “He’s SO dumb.”

*Several obligatory references to fairy tales.* *Stock footage of helicopter rising over mountain.*

Tenley is first off the helicopter. She feels “blissful” and “joyful.”  This is making me nervous in a bad way. Tenley may “trust Jake with [her] heart” but I think he’s an idiot, so, let’s see who’s right!

Jake bawls and tells her “something doesn’t feel right.” IDIOT. This is REALLY uncomfortable. Okay, now they both are crying, and Tenley is sayng alllll sorts of s**t, like that Jake showed her she could “love again.” Oh, honey. Stop talking. Then she says she’s “not ready to say goodbye” to Jake. STOP TALKING, Tenley!! She also asks him why he’s saying goodbye, and he tells her that some part of him feels like he has to “put on a show” with her. Ouch. Okay, Tenley, if this were me, I would have peaced out like ten minutes ago and tried to keep some scrap of my dignity intact (whatever shred I had left after appearing on The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love).

Ugh, and now for the moment we’ve all been dreading.  Jake has the ring. Vienna paws at the window of the helicopter. Gross. GROSS. Just… gross.

Vienna: “When I found him, I found myself.” Boyfriend: “You’re twenty-three!!!”

Jake tells Vienna he thinks she’s an amazing woman and he GIVES HER BACK HER PROMISE RING. What does this mean?! I’m so confused. Then he tells her he loves her and gives her that cheesy princess-cut diamond and asks her to marry him.  This is so foul. The foulest.

I have no words.

The only thing making this bearable is that they’re playing “On the Wings of Love,” which somehow, someway, makes the severe nausea I’m experiencing worth it.

The Women Tell All!!!

I am freaking out with excitement right now. Why? Because it’s the Bachelor Reunion Show tonight and I WILL be live-blogging it!!

Fair warning: I might be missing/absent from the blogging scene in the coming month or so because my work (oh yeah, that) is going to be getting cray-cray until mid-April.  But let’s not think about such things until after the Bachelor.

Here we go!

Okay, right off the bat, I’m super disappointed that Vienna and Tenley aren’t going to be present tonight, and I’m also wondering why ABC chooses to do this reunion show before we even know which person Jake has picked.  Seems a bit manipulative.  Then again, bold-faced emotional manipulation is very in keeping with the spirit of The Bachelor, so I guess it makes sense. Well played, ABC.

Jake and Chris discuss the biggest “game players” on the show: Rozlyn and Elizabeth. Yawn. Then they talk about the Dreaded Vienna and Milquetoast Tenley.  Yawn. Then they relive the moment where Ali leaves. Yawn. This is incredibly boring. When are the women going to start shrieking and scratching each other’s eyes out and stuff? More importantly, when are they going to tell all, as promised?

Now Chris says we are going to “take a look at a sexy new phenomenon:” Bachelor reunions.  How did I miss out on this sexy new phenomenon, which appears to involve all of the Bachelor Fails getting together in some debauched setting and sloppily making out?  Probably because I haven’t been on the Bachelor… YET (kidding!).  Okay, five minutes into discovering this sexy new phenomenon, I am already bored with it.  I’m starting to think ABC doesn’t have as much eye-scratching footage to fill this two-hour episode as I was led to believe.

And now we get to see more past Bachelor Fails doing “charity.” This is bulls**t!  Is a little eye-clawing SO much to ask of a freaking Bachelor reunion show? I am now officially so bored that I am online shopping for a bikini during the show. This is clearly unacceptable.

Okay, FINALLY the women are introduced, including the rando ones who I never actually knew were on the show until they were eliminated (hi, Valishia).  They play some clips of the girls trash-talking each other.  Some of the judgments: Rozlyn (tacky, inappropriate), Michelle (crazy eyes, space cadet), Tenley (she “sh*ts rainbows,” according to Gia), Elizabeth (“black widow”), and, of course, Vienna (“trailer trash wh**e,” according to Ashley H.).

Okay, now let’s find out what was wrong with Gia to make Jake dump her!  It’s probably because she’s so ugly.  Oh, okay, the verdict seems to be that Gia held back too much.  Turns out giving it up in the Fantasy Suite isn’t enough to keep a Bachelor hooked, after all — you have to bare your soul, too, apparently.

Oh, good, it’s time for Crazy Michelle!  No matter how many times I see her scary intensity (“it will kill me if I don’t get Jake”), it never gets less creepy.  Plus, I keep imagining what it must be like to be her as she’s watching herself act like a Certified Nutcase on TV.  Awkward, I imagine.  Although maybe she can’t recognize the awkwardness through the overwhelming Fog of Insanity she’s operating with.  Elizabeth plants a fake smile on her face and tells Michelle she needs therapy, which Michelle hotly denies, saying “I’m stable.” The audience laughs. Ouch.

Ali’s turn.  I used to like Ali, actually, before she became a whiny crybaby.  She seems less whiny tonight, and she apologizes for being mean to Vienna. She does manage to point out during her apology that Vienna is being trashed in the tabloids, which seems a bit backhanded, but whatever. Chris asks her if she’d choose love over her job, and she says yes, knowing what she knows now.  What does she know now that she didn’t know before? Jake still isn’t going to give her a guarantee of engagement — what did she learn from leaving?  Anyway, I think Ali will be okay — she’s got the Bachelorette thing in the bag, I’m convinced.

They bring out Rozlyn, the official villain of the season, who gives off a really intense, sociopathic vibe.  She denies everything, up and down, left and right, and Chris tries, with no success, to make her come clean.  Then Rozlyn gets really nasty with him! This is finally getting good, an hour and a half in.  Rozlyn asks Chris sarcastically to define “what kind of physical relationship” she was having with the producer, so Chris asks the women to describe what they saw. Rozlyn denies, denies, denies, and then accuses Chris of having hidden cameras in the house AND of hitting on her producer-lover’s wife in New Zealand. WHOA. Who does she think she is? You don’t attack Chris Harrison! You just don’t.

Now they bring out Jake, who both looks and sounds different somehow on the reunion show than he does on the regular show. It’s weird.  Jake starts tearing up about 5 seconds into the chat — shocker.

Wow, this is REALLY boring. Even the “bloopers” they show are boring. Gosh.

Ooh, okay, there is finally a juicy part at the end, when they show what’s coming up on the “dramatic season finale.”  Basically, Jake tells Tenley that he thinks they don’t have enough “heat,” which I think means physical chemistry. Oh, man! I knew it! Jake is going to pick Vienna because she’s sluttier! Unbelievable.

Can’t wait until next week. Hope I’ll be able to blog it for you all!

The Fantasy Suite — part 1

I am so excited for the Bachelor tonight — I’m even live blogging it for once!

Tonight they go to St. Lucia, and this is typically the point of the season when the Bachelor(ette) sleeps with the remaining contestants, usually under a waterfall or in a hot tub. Oh, or in the “Fantasy Suite” (*shudder*).  And I know that I’ve said from the beginning that I wasn’t buying Jake’s whole innocent, religious shtick; I felt like it was an act and that as soon as he got the chance to have sex with these women, he’d do it.  But then, this weekend, my friends Julia and Claire, who watched the season of the Bachelorette that spawned our Jake and thus have some additional insight on him, said that they think he actually is super religious and might even be a (gasp!) virgin. If he is a virgin, then I retract my statement about him kicking Corrie off because he knew she wouldn’t sleep with him. My humble apologies, Jake-o. But I’m still not sure. I’ve decided that I am going to judge Jake’s moral character based on his behavior in this episode  — the Fantasy Suite beckons! — so we’ll see how things shake out.

And we’re off!

The episode opens with Jake reflecting on each of the women. His conclusions:

Gia: gorgeous, but insecure and a rocky relationship past (speaking of, why don’t they mention that Gia was once engaged to a Yankee? That strikes me as being worth mentioning, right?).

Tenley: would be perfect except she’s damaged goods (the whole divorce thing. And the whole awkward dancing thing).

Vienna: “bold” and center of controversy. Undeniable connection.

Then they check back in with Ali, who has gone back to work as an advertising account manager in San Francisco and is regretting it because her “life is without love.”  Is she serious? Really, Ali? You’re going to give up on your career so you can have a shot with a guy on TV who’s dating three other women who you’ve known for like two seconds? One word: stoops. At least pull an Ed Swiderski and drop out for “work” and hook up with your exes before coming back to steal the show. Have some pride!

Date with Gia

Jake takes Gia to a “local” market where the “natives” shop.  They buy touristy crap and dance awkwardly in front of a guy with dreadlocks and a drum. This is what local St. Lucians do every day: buy knick-knacks with their own flag on them and then throw coins into each other’s hats. After that “real” cultural experience, Gia and Jake make out in the water.

Next step: they go to dinner on the beach and Gia angles to have Jake tell her he loves her.  Instead, Gia and Jake tell each other that they think the other person is “deep.” Ha.

Then, they go sit on a hammock and drink more and “snuggle.”  The shot of Gia stroking Jake’s face as they lie in a hammock strikes me as one of the more bizarre moments of this whole show, because it seems so intimate, and yet Jake is going to do almost the exact same thing with two, possibly three, other women in the next day or two. He is going to tell each woman that he’s “falling for” her and she is going to say the same back, and they are going to talk about the “connection” they have. The whole thing strikes me as utterly creepy, especially at this point in the season. Shouldn’t Jake be narrowing the field down a little bit, at least? It seems incredibly disingenuous and two-faced of him to pretend that he has equal feelings for all of them and to make each of them feel like she is “the one.” All this face-stroking and making out and gazing into each other’s eyes is too much. ICK!!

Jake gives Gia a “Fantasy Suite” card.  They go.  *Shot of clothes strewn on the ground.*  Jake and Gia (who’s wearing a bathing suit, btw) make out in a bubble bath strewn with rose petals. Gross. *Fade out.* So what happened? Did they sleep together? Very coy, Bachelor producers!


Despite her awk dancing, Tenley is still my favorite. I feel like she and Jake have similar values (or so he claims) and they are both boring and pleasant. Seriously, how could that not work?

They go for a helicopter ride but it doesn’t appear that Jake is actually piloting. Lame. I kinda wanted to see him flying a plane past a mountain and making out with someone at the same time, but it was not to be.

They have a picnic for lunch in the forest. Much marriage talk and making out. Then they go into the water and make out. Are we seeing a pattern here? Tenley’s voice-over explains that the Fantasy Suite is in the back of her mind and she’s not sure if she’s ready to “spend the night” with Jake since she hasn’t “been with” a man since her ex-husband. Oh, euphemisms! Does this mean that the Fantasy Suite is only for You Know What? I mean, why couldn’t they just go and hang out in the Fantasy Suite? They could play board games or something. After all, why does a “fantasy” necessarily have to involve sex? Couldn’t it involve a couple lively rounds of Uno? Or, if they’re feeling frisky, Twister?

Tenley tries to explain that she’s over her ex. I don’t believe her. Sorry.

After dinner, they dance to no music. MAKE IT STOP!!!! Please, just make it stop. UGH, this just gets worse and worse: Tenley says she thinks Jake could “lead her in life” (what? is she a dog? what does that MEAN?) and that she could “dance with him forever.” Barfing in mouth.

Jake gives her the Fantasy Suite card and she accepts. This makes me sad, because this is clearly a big deal for Tenley, but we all got to see Jake stroking Gia’s face in the hammock last night, then taking a bubble bath with her in the Fantasy Suite. One Fantasy fits all, apparently.

Now Tenley is trying to justify her apparent choice to sleep with Jake as something necessary to move the relationship forward. Come on! Ugh, I hope she doesn’t actually sleep with him. I feel like that would be the wrong choice for her, given her values and beliefs about marriage and sex.

This show makes me so uncomfortable. Like, morally uncomfortable.


Vienna looks like a hot mess in this ugly red sundress over a green bathing suit. Okay, side note: for being an actor, Jake seems really put off when Vienna makes him wear an eye-patch — he seems incapable of pretending to be a pirate. He didn’t even say “arr” or “matey.” How the hell did ever he get that gig on Walker, Texas Ranger, anyway?

Vienna and Jake go on a boat and make out. Welcome to Barf City, USA, population: millions of captive American viewers.

OOh, Vienna also has a trampy tattoo above her hip bone! Ugh, she’s so Florida and trashy, I can’t even stand it!

They roll around in the sand and surf and monumental music plays. Vienna’s fake boobs (which she bought after draining her ex-husband’s bank account when he was in deployed in Iraq, according to Us Weekly) are prominently on display.  I am so uncomfortable right now.

And thus concludes the first hour….

The Bachelor: a day late and a dollar short

I am watching the Bach an entire DAY late because I am sick and went to bed at 8:30 last night.  Anyway, I am now feeling vital enough to watch the full episode and give my run-down. This episode should be amazing — it’s the one where Jake goes to meet the final four girls’ families. Whee!


Right off the bat, Gia jumps into Jake’s arms and wraps her legs around him. She always does that! Joel McHale on the Soup said the other night that it looks like Jake is “carrying Gia in a BabyBjorn” — exactly, Joel McHale!

Gia and Jake go on a boat ride and look at New York. Yawn.

Side-note: in one of the confessionals, Jake is wearing a black tee shirt and a black and white beaded necklace.  Hmm. He must have stopped at American Eagle circa 1995 on the way to the shoot that day. He was probably also wearing cargo shorts, too, but we just couldn’t see them.

I kinda have to love Gia’s family: they’re so Italian! And I like that Gia’s mom says that she and Gia’s dad work together in the kitchen. Love it. Also love the bizarre hair the men in the family are sporting.  Gia’s brother, for instance, looks like a cross between Seth Green and Pauly D.  It’s definitely a look.

Gia’s mom takes Jake aside and asks him if he loves four women, and he says, “I have fallen for four women.” Does that strike anyone else as not being the best response to one of those people’s mothers? It doesn’t seem to phase her, though, and she decides that she likes Jake, and tells Gia that she has an “intuition” that Jake loves her more than the other girls.  Okay, mom.


Jake goes to Massachusetts to have a date with Ali. She takes him to her grandmother’s old house where she got sick and died so that Jake can “meet” her. Umm… Ali, you might want to share these deep, slightly creepy, Dead Grandma revelations for a man who’s not currently dating three other women. Maybe save it until he’s dating just two other women, ya know?

By the way, I am starting to actively dislike Jake. I just feel like he’s playing all of these women. I mean, how can he go and visit all of their families and tell each one that she’s special and the best and that he missed her when he is doing the exact same thing with three other women? I just don’t think a genuinely good guy could do a show like this and string these women along. Maybe this was all super obvious all along, but some small part of me did think that Jake was a pretty sincere dude, if not mind-numbingly dull and overly prone to tears.  This doesn’t change my fundamental conclusion that the women on this show deserve what they get, though. It’s not like Jake’s pretending there aren’t four of them!

Ali’s family = boring. Her mother gives Jake her blessing to marry Ali because he seems “pretty sincere” and is a “very nice young man.” I am not totally sure, but I am pretty sure my mom wouldn’t give her blessing for marriage to some dude that I brought home ten minutes ago who I had met on a reality show who was also dating three other women at the same time. Just a hunch.

After that whole business, Ali and Jake go outside, and Ali says, “If you asked me today, I would say yes. I would.” I think she expected Jake to propose right there, but she should have known that as a seasoned TV pro, Jake would never jump the shark like that.  Then Ali uses the term “fairy tale” to describe her feelings for Jake. Sigh.


I was warned before watching this show by my friend Nancy that this episode made her hate Tenley, so I am fully prepared to start disliking her, but I’ll keep an open mind.

Tenley and Jake sit under a blanket and Tenley talks about her ex, and then tells Jake he is “honorable and wise.” Is she addressing a judge in Japan, or what?

Then they go to Tenley’s old dance studio and Tenley tells him she is going to perform a choreographed dance for him. She also makes sure to say that her ex never appreciated “the dance within my heart.” Gag. OMG, and then she does some sort of weird interpretive dance for him an empty studio. Oh boy.

First observation about Tenley’s family: her mom looks like she’s about 35, which is weird, since Tenley is 25.

Jake asks her mom whether Tenley is over her ex. Um, NO, Jake. She got divorced less than a year ago. She talks about her ex all the time. She tears up at the drop of a hat. Wake up, Jake!

Now Jake is having a heart-t0-heart with Tenley’s dad, who then goes back to talk to Tenley and chokes up.  My cousin Catie called me right before this and warned me that this would happen, and said she doesn’t understand why all these dads are bawling on TV.  It’s not that men shouldn’t cry — but they probably shouldn’t cry on camera, on national TV. Right?

Oh, jeez, then Tenley’s dad and Jake go have a talk where Dad gives his blessing to Jake and they BOTH tear up. What the hell?!


Of COURSE Vienna’s from Florida. No offense, Florida, but of all the states, only you could produce this chick.

Holy CRAP, and Vienna’s dad starts bawling the second she walks in the door! What is with these people?!

Vienna’s dad grills Jake about whether or not he’ll treat her “like a princess” and then says he has a good feeling about Jake anyway.

Basic takeaway from the Vienna visit: if Jake and Vienna get engaged, Jake will essentially replace her dad. Ew. Then, Dad walks in as they are making out and says he will “wait outside the door.”  Ew again.

Pre-Rose Ceremony Ali Dramz

Okay, so Ali comes in to see Jake, (fake?) crying, and tells him that she has to choose between staying on the show and going back to work.  Huh? Is this a power play to see if Jake will tell her he is going to choose her so she won’t leave? Bold move, Ali.

Jake doesn’t bite. He actually gives her good advice and tells her to weigh which decision she’ll regret more. He also tells her he can’t guarantee that he is going to put a ring on her finger, which I don’t think she wanted to hear.  She tells him she’ll let him know her decision at the rose ceremony. Dramz!

*Dramatic shot of Ali crumpling into sobbing heap on floor in hotel hallway*

*Dramatic shot of Jake working his jaw and tearing up before he explains the situation to Chris*

I think Jake lacks a fundamental understanding of how love/heartbreak actually works. For example, he says: “If Ali does leave, it’s going to break my heart. But Ali isn’t the only woman I have feelings for.” How many hearts do you have, Jake? If your heart breaks, doesn’t that mean you’d be devastated and wouldn’t give a crap about the other women? And if you have feelings for all of them, wouldn’t that preclude getting your heart “broken” by one of them leaving? Come on.

Rose Ceremony

Just before the ceremony, Ali asks to talk to the host, Chris. OoOooOoh. Chris brings her to Jake, and she asks him to tell her that he doesn’t want her to leave. They have a really vague, inarticulate conversation about it, while Ali puts her legs on Jake’s lap and makes whimpering noises. Ugh, now I want her to leave.

Basically, Jake says he doesn’t want her to leave and then she mumbles “I love you” and they kiss. Yikes! But Jake, notably, doesn’t say it back. Not good. Chris walks in right after that and asks Ali if she’s made her decision and she says she needs more time. Eek, the suspense is killing me!

*Commercial break*

Ali cries a little bit more and then tells Jake she has to go. I wonder if she was waiting for him to tell her that he loved her? No such luck, hun!

Anyway, since it’s Jake, he obviously tears up and then slowly walks her out to a car that is already waiting outside (suspicious).  MUCH more crying on both ends ensues.

Okay, Jake comes back to address the women and Chris tells them there is no rose ceremony, so all three get to come down and get a rose.

Closing shot: Ali in car, regretting her decision. Come off it, Ali. You made the right choice. Why risk being unemployed for some guy who doesn’t love you and won’t unequivocally choose you over three other women, one of whom is Vienna? Give me a break. Obviously Ali will make a dramatic (and expected) comeback on the season finale, but she shouldn’t.

Bachelor in SF, continued

Time for my semi-live update on the rest of the Bach. Whee!

Jake has a double date with Gia and Vienna at a semi-creepy, semi-romantic castle in Napa. He tells Gia he is “falling for” her and then proceeds to eat her face off. Vienna comes in to interrupt, as per usual, because she wants alone-time with her “boyfriend,” as she refers to Jake. I am thrilled to see that Jake is kind of cold and distant with her — could The Slow One finally be waking up to the fact that Vienna is a crazy B? Or will the producers step in and force him to keep her on for another week?! Only time will tell!

So the girls are sharing a room. Weird. Jake gives a MUCH more enthusiastic hug to Gia while Vienna sits on the bed staring intensely at them. Camera cuts away to gratuitous shot of Jake shirtless, getting ready for bed. Vienna must have received a memo through the Crazy Network, because five minutes after Jake leaves, she decides to “sneak away” to go see him. This strikes me as not brilliant.

Ugh! Vienna crawls into bed with “nearly-nekkid” Jake and gives an awful, uncomfortable toast to “not having to go back to my own room tonight,” among other things.  Jake, surprisingly, makes it clear that he is uncomfortable with the whole thing and tells Vienna to go back to her room. Wow! I’m impressed with his good judgment to send that hussy packing.

Jake has a date with Corrie in Golden Gate Park, which is amazing because they go to Stowe Lake, which is where we walk my dog! I kept my eyes peeled for my mom and Dougal in the background but to no avail.

Corrie’s comment that she’s “never dated just to date” strikes me as weird. How old is she, like 24? Aren’t you supposed to date just to date when you are young? What person begins their dating career just dating for marriage? I guess the type of girl that goes on The Bachelor: on the Wings of Love. Right.

There is a major Little Mermaid moment when Corrie and Jake are in the boat and he is clearly contemplating kissing her but chickens out. I keep expecting Sebastian and Flounder to pop out of the water and encourage him to kiss the girl.

They go to dinner at the Science Center, which is kind of cool, but they seem uncomfortable with each other. And no kissage! What the F? If you can’t make out while ogling giant, scary-looking fish, then when can you make out?

Corrie tells Jake she is saving herself for marriage. Maybe I am just entirely too cynical and jaded, but I am suspicious. Jake seems really impressed that Corrie is a virgin but I am confused — if he is so old-fashioned and traditional, shouldn’t he be a virgin, too? Right, Jake? WELL???

Time for Ali’s date in San Francisco. Looks like she lives in the Marina. Not a shock. They go to a wine bar and Ali drinks her wine really aggressively. Like she tips the glass all the way back — whoa girl! I kinda like Ali, though. She is pretty and she seems kind of normal. Kind of.

Ew, then she straddles him and gives him a backrub in the middle of Chrissy Field. This makes me uneasy — she looks like she’s pinning him down.

Ali thinks she’s in love. Oh, Ali. You’ve spent a total of what, two hours alone with this guy? Hon. Come on.

Why does Ali wimp out when Jake asks her about her feelings about Vienna? She should have told him how she felt! After she hems ad haws, Jake tells Ali how “honest” Vienna is with him (hmm) and how Vienna makes it clear that she’s there for him. Umm, alright. Then they make out.

At the end of the date, Ali and Jake jump in the bay.  Hey Jake, newsflash — you’re not in Cancun, the water in San Francisco is like negative 4000 degrees. This probably explains why they “jumped in” up to their ankles and then apparently realized it was a poor choice.

Jake and Tenley slow dance “spontaneously.” Yeah, I’m sorry, but can we all agree to put a permanent end to the “dancing without music” trend in movies, TV shows, and especially The Bachelor? It’s ALMOST as bad as the trend where everyone calls everything a fairy tale. Almost.

Ummm, and Jake takes Vienna to his room. What the hell?! I mean, I realize that he’s not having sex with her or anything, but why does he feel the need to “reassure” Vienna by showing her his sleeping quarters? Why not let her sit with feeling uncomfortable after acting kinda inappropriately? Ick.


Jake, please don’t cry during the rose ceremony for once. We get it. You’re sensitive. You’re sincere. Enough with the tears.

Oooh, Tenley gets the first rose! Nice. Ali gets the second one. Surprise — I thought he would have picked Gia, since he seemed to really be warming up to her.  Gia gets the next one. Now it’s down to Corrie and Vienna: the virgin and the, uh, probably non-virgin.

He picks Vienna. I said it once and I’ll say it again, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN?! Honestly, I don’t even have words. No words!

Okay, I have some words. First, Jake is so full of crap! I truly believe that he cut her because he knows she won’t sleep with him. The “something missing” that he says he sensed was the lack of possibility of him getting any booty! Come ON, Jake. It’s okay, Corrie — go find a man who is actually traditional and respects your choices, not an actor-slash-pilot who is dating five women at once. Like I said, old-fashioned, schmold-fashioned.

Next week: I’m already obsessed with Gia’s mom.  Can’t wait!

Bachelor Road Trip, part 1.

As per usual, I am semi-live blogging the Bach, since I am coming in about half an hour late. Can I just say at the outset that I am beyond excited for this episode, especially for the part when Jake dramatically throws a rose into the fire, but I might not make it through the whole thing tonight because I am sleep deprived and need to be in bed by 10. So… forewarned is forearmed (<– this was a clue in Jeopardy today, by the by).

K, here we go. The girls are apparently going on a road trip up the California coast and will be living in RVs from now on. I kinda (really) dig it.  I mainly want to see how the princessy, high maintenance chicks deal with being in a moving house for the first time.

Seeing all these girls high-fiving each other and squealing and doing champagne toasts in the RV makes me wonder what the hell they are all thinking. Aren’t they all competing for the “love” of the same man? Shouldn’t that sort of foreclose the possibility of them all being besties? Are they just forgetting that? Plus, even if I were on the Bachelor, I don’t think I’d trust anyone else who was on the Bachelor, you know? I’d just be like, “These girls are nuts. They’re on the Bachelor… But I’m normal.” Cognitive dissonance is a great life tool, I’ve found.

Gia gets the first date. I’m not sure how I feel about Gia. I like her name, but I kinda think I don’t like her that much. But  I definitely like her more than Vienna, who seems to think that because Gia is from New York, she will automatically melt into a puddle of ooze like the Wicked Witch of the West the moment she steps foot onto a vineyard.

Gia’s “spontaneous” idea to play hide and seek in the vineyards: blech. But it did give us the opportunity to see that Jake runs like a spaz. Strangely endearing.

Hmm, then Gia awkwardly straddles Jake and he compares it to “the beginning of a fairy tale.” Um, Jake, I think you’re confused: those movies they show really late at night on HBO aren’t actually called “fairy tales.” Please don’t show them to your kids one day.

You know what is a fairy tale, though? Gia saying that she was a “nerd” in high school.  Gia, hon, you have to be smart to be a nerd. Also, there is no way this bikini model was ever a loser in high school, and I hate this trend among beautiful women to be super disingenuous about their pasts and pretend they were all ugly ducklings. Come off it, Gia.

What’s with the trend of guys on reality shows testing women to see what they’re made of? First Omar on the Millionaire Matchmaker makes his date haul junk, and now Jake wants to see how Gia reacts to eating hot dogs and s’mores. Come on. Even the most manipulative gold-digger can choke down a hot dog to try to impress some dude. And who’s gonna complain about s’mores? NO ONE, that’s who.

Gia just said she is “wearing [her] heart on her sleeve right now.” Now I definitely dislike her. It’s just a mild dislike, though.

Ooh, group date in Pismo Beach. This should be juicy.  Okay, Vienna just said she feels like Jake is her boyfriend. Oh, barf. I see why the other girls are questioning Jake’s taste in women for keeping her on — I mean, they’re obviously not questioning it enough to leave, but still.  Also, I sorta love how Allie is becoming a total B! She says all the stuff to Vienna that everyone else wants to say, I think.

The date involved dune buggying, which looked sort of terrifying, and sand surfing, which looked really fun. And I like that Tenley and Jake got some alone time, even if their laughing and rolling in the sand seemed really forced, like they were trying desperately to prove how carefree and fun they both are.  Then Corrie jumped in there and got her moments of forced laughing and rolling in the sand. Jake is an equal opportunity laugher/roller, apparently.

Jake takes the girls to an inn after their date. Was it just me or did that inn look like a cheesy nightmare? Pretty sure one of the girls compared it to a “fairy tale.” Is everyone on this show unclear on what a fairy tale is?

Okay, awkward alone time session with Ashley and Jake. They have nothing to say to each other and it’s killing me. Oh man. Can’t even deal with the awkwardness. Phew, it’s over.

So, do we believe that Jake is actually the first person that Tenley has kissed since her ex-husband? I kinda do. I think she is one of the most genuine-seeming girls on the show (which isn’t saying much, I guess).

Now for Vienna. She insisted on being the last person Jake talked to before the end of the night so she could be the last girl he kissed before he went to bed. So manipulative! But I think Jake might start to see through it. It takes him a while to realize these things, but he eventually gets it, as the wheels slowly shift into gear. Slowwwwwly.

Tenley gets the rose. Good. Ashley complains that Tenley “comes across as too bubbly.” Word to the wise, Ash: probably better to be bubbly than comatose when you’re on a reality dating show.

More to come!

Bachin’ It (Hour 2)

Wow, hour 2 just began and Michelle is really kicking it into high gear, putting Jake on the spot and asking if he feels anything for her and if he’ll kiss her. He looks super uncomfortable but concedes and kisses her (sigh). And oh my God, the kiss! Horrid. She looks like a junkyard dog attacking a bone.

After, she says, “You gotta give me something more than that,” and he averts his eyes. Then she tells him she wants to go home and he agrees. Whoa. This is probably the first time Jake has done anything smart since this show started. He called her bluff and sent her home. I am kinda shocked that the producers didn’t force him to keep her on the show, though, because that girl would have provided plenty of coo-coo fodder for the rest of the season.  Prediction: she will come back later in the season in a dramatic stand-off moment. Come on, it’s the Bachelor: someone has to come back in a dramatic stand-off moment.

So, Ella and Jake go to Sea World. Did the helicopter also take them back to 1993? I honestly didn’t know Sea World still existed. I guess I thought it imploded or something the moment Willy was set free. Anyway, it was cute that Jake flew out Ella’s kid for the date, but does anyone else find it a tad disturbing that Ella left her kid behind in the first place to come on a reality show? Because I kinda do. I guess I can’t judge since I am not in her position, but I am pretty sure if I were a single mom, I wouldn’t leave my small child behind for weeks and weeks while I go on a notoriously cheezy (and actually pretty skanky) reality dating show to try to find a husband. I mean, join eHarmony or something, Ella.

In any case, Ella’s little boy is really cute. I hope that Jake and Ella don’t kiss in front of him… okay, they didn’t. Whew.  Actually, I sort of like Ella and wouldn’t mind if she and Jake ended up together, since he seems cool with the fact that she has a kid and everything, and she seems like a nice lady.  And I like her accent! I’m easily charmed, apparently.

Moving on to Elizabeth. Seems like Jake finally picked up on the fact that she’s playing games with him. And I love that he actually called her a tease. She bugs the crap out of me. I stand by what I said last week. Pech.

K, rose ceremony! The moment we’ve all been anxiously awaiting! Why do I feel like I’ve never seen half the girls he keeps on? Are they extras? I’m confused. Anyway, I am very glad that he sent creepy Elizabeth home. She was bad news. She’ll probably go on to marry some old man on his death bed, steal his vast fortunes, and have an affair with the pool boy. She seems like the type. I did feel bad when the other random chick he sent home (Valishia? Who the heck is she?) was crying. She’ll get over it, though.

Onwards and upwards, ladies.

Bachin’ It (Hour 1)

I am semi-live blogging the Bach again this week. I am so excited for the dramz! Going to do this week’s episode in two installments to seem more like a legit live-blogger: hour 1 and hour 2. Here we go!

Observation 1: there is something weird about Vienna’s face. But that’s probably good because Jake wants to “take risks” by dating her.

Also, I was puzzled when she said that the craziest thing she had ever done in her life was zip-lining in Jamaica.  Is “zip-lining” what the kids are calling it these days? Hm.

Observation 2: I hate the phrase “to wear one’s heart on one’s sleeve.” Ick.  Also hate the phrase “Prince Charming” to describe non-cartoon men. Double ick.

Moving on… to Michelle.  Oh, Michelle… Michelle, Michelle, Michelle.  She is one who really wears her neuroses on her sleeve, isn’t she? She just can’t hide the crazy.  But I kinda like how she owns it, ya know? She’s like, empowered in her craziness. Refreshing.

Okay, the stand-up comedy group date. First, a question: how in God’s name did Jon Lovitz come to be involved with the Bachelor: On the Wings of Love? Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Second: watching these awful girls do comedy is so painful I can barely write about it. Actually, I am not going to write about it, because it’s making me feel super uncomfortable.

Okay, okay, I will just say one thing: Michelle’s performance was straight up Creepy with a capital C. *Shudder.*

Hmm, I kinda like Tenley in spite of myself.  I dunno, she seems nice.

Okay, we’re about an hour in now and I’m coming to an important realization: Jake is a kissing slut.  I actually think he kisses the women when he feels awkward and doesn’t know what else to do, especially when they’re all complaining to him about other people in the house. This strategy could backfire, Jake.

See you all in hour 2!