Tube Topix


BACHELOR SEAN FINALE

OMG, OMG, it’s time!! It’s finally time!! Well — it’s finally time here in Joburg – I realize that the Bach finale actually happened like two days ago, but whatever!! IT’S TIME.

I’d like to note that iTunes took LITERALLY ALL DAY to download this finale. Seriously. I started downloading at 8:30 AM and it’s still not done at 4:30 PM, but I am starting to watch anyway, and hopefully the thing will finish downloading as I watch. I blame South Africa, ABC, Chris Harrison, and Tierra.

I’d also like to note that, as a person who owns the internet, the ending of this season was totally spoiled for me over the last 24 hours, and since I’m assuming at this point, everyone and their mom knows who wins, I won’t avoid spoilers. In fact, it’s more interesting to watch knowing who the loser is so you can cringe as she rhapsodizes about BS and how perfect their love is, you know?

LET’S DO THIS THING.

Chris Harrison uses the word “historic” to describe tonight’s episode. Which I guess is technically true, in the sense that every event that occurs on Earth is, in some sense, historic, but is untrue in literally every other sense. Chris Harrison also uses the term “late-breaking news” regarding BS and his “status.” IMPORTANT STUFF IS HAPPENING HERE.

Forewarning: I might fast-forward over some stuff, because the finale tends to be boring, especially when the Bachelor “reflects” on his two women and hems and haws over which one to choose. Snore.

Kay, so BS’s family is in town and wow, they are blonde. BS’s mom is nervous for him because she wants him to make the right decision. BS tells mom he doesn’t know which girl he is going to pick and she nods slowly, thinking what everyone else is thinking, which is, probably if you actually don’t have a preference about which woman to pick at this point, maybe use your brain and don’t get married to either one? 

Catherine gets to meet BS’s family first. Everyone toasts with water, which is weird, and then they ask Catherine boring questions about herself. It feels like a job interview. BS’s mom pulls Catherine aside. Mom seems polite but skeptical. Can’t blame her; lady’s been through this process before. Catherine says BS makes her feel “comfortable with [her]self.” Is this a good thing? Before you get married, shouldn’t you feel comfortable with yourself in your own right? Just a thought.

BS’s dad asks Catherine if she believes in “the Bachelor Process.” Not reacting to the utter goofiness of that phrase, Catherine says she was “very skeptical” in the beginning, which begs the question – if you were so “skeptical,” why did you come on the show? Did someone force you as part of a complex hostage negotiation? Because otherwise I am calling BS on your claim that you were “skeptical” of the Bachelor Process.

Conclusion at the end of the day: BS’s family “loves” Catherine. Of course they do: these people know better than to pull a Desiree’s brother – they’re old pros.

Now it’s Lindsay’s turn, who says she is “so close to being Sean’s fiance.” Oh, Lindsay. Please stop. You’re making everyone uncomfortable. BS’s family ask what BS and Lindsay have done together and they say, “a lot.” And then one of them adds, “we fed monkeys.” What an amazing journey they’ve had.

BS’s dad — who seems like he has some acting training, am I right? — sits down with Lindsay and asks her how she knows she’s in love with BS. Lindsay says “I just know. I want to hang out with him.” Good answer. Then Lindsay gives an *amazing* answer to some other generic question about marriage by saying that “marriage is compromise” and by mentioning “prayer” and “meeting in the middle.” Checking alllll the boxes. Then BS’s dad tells Lindsay that they started praying on the day BS was born for his wife. Um, ew? There’s something deeply creepy about praying for a newborn’s hypothetical wife, I’m sorry. 

Lindsay asks BS’s dad for BS’s hand in marriage and they laugh, because it would be so silly for a woman to propose to a man!! Imagine such a thing!! Next thing you know, she’ll be wearing pants and voting, the scamp!!

BS’s mom asks Lindsay when she knew she was in love with BS and she says when BS asked her about her family, or something. Whatever. Boring. I gotta give BS’s mom credit, though, she seems less instantly won over than her husband; I am not sure she’s a 100% believer in the “Bachelor process” like BS’s dad. 

Now it’s time for BS to reflect in generic terms on his two remaining ladies. He wants his family to help him make a decision, because that’s a normal thing that adults do: ask their parents who they should marry. BS’s mom, though, points out that he doesn’t HAVE to propose. GASP!!! Heresy!!! Hang her!! 

BS seems put off by his mother’s suggestion that he doesn’t have to actually ask anyone to marry him on TV. BS says, a little bitchily, that he wants his mother’s support, implying that she needs to shut her damn mouth and buy into the Bachelor Process already. Mom starts crying and tells BS not to make any rash decisions. Too late, Mom! BS decides he needs to listen to his heart (rather than his family) so he stands on a porch and stares pensively into the distance and purses his lips. 

It’s time for Lindsay’s final date with BS. You can tell she’s confident that BS is going to pick her, because she says tomorrow will be the biggest day of BS’s life, and hopefully her life. Sigh. They go on a boat ride down a river and BS wears a very fetching teal wifebeater.

Image

This outfit happened.

BS points out Myanmar and Laos and Thailand to Lindsay and she says, “What?” I think because she had never heard of those places before. Meanwhile, their boat driver looks uncomfortable and stares at the camera nervously. Then BS and Lindsay look back fondly on all of their fun times together: they went on a date in Montana, and they wrestled. That’s about it. Lindsay concludes that they have “the big things you need in a marriage.” Except for an actual relationship, I guess. Lindsay asks BS what he thinks they’ll look like when they’re old and he says, “I can picture you being a hot old chick.” Meanwhile, ABC is playing sappy music, as if this were a touching moment. Finally, Lindsay tells BS she loves him and he makes a sound halfway between “aww” and “mmm,” and it’s awwwwful. 

Cut to footage of Lindsay setting out wine and glasses. BS shows up at her room and they drink wine and make out since they don’t actually have much to say. Lindsay asks him if he remembers their first kiss, and he says yes. Good times! I’d love to hear these two discuss current events, wouldn’t you? Also, I have to say, I’m at the point in the season where Lindsay’s baby talk is getting grating as hell and I want it to stop. right. now. Luckily there are only TWO MORE HOURS more to endure.

Lindsay tells BS she is nervous and she doesn’t know what she’d do if she lost him. Probably move on with life? Find another guy who’s not on TV? Go back to part-time substitute teaching? Lots of possibilities. Lindsay says she wishes she knew what BS was thinking and he says, “I’m happy being here now.” Translation: I’m not picking you. 

Lindsay and BS do that thing that has been done on oh, four or five previous seasons of the Bachelor, where they write wishes on lanterns and send them into the sky. What a beautiful, not-overplayed cultural ritual! BS concludes that Lindsay is “the one for [him].” Hmmmmmmm.

Now it’s Catherine’s turn. For their date, they ride an elephant. At some point, they change into Thai pants – unclear why – but, you know, why not? Then they sit down and Catherine tells BS she is excited, but doesn’t make eye contact with him. Weird. Later, Catherine lights some candles in her hotel room and says she wants to make sure BS knows how she feels about him. Oh, dear. Catherine says she has a “hard time talking about serious things,” which is basically like saying, “I am immature and not ready to be married.”

Catherine blabs on about how much she loves BS’s family, and I go on Instagram for a while, and when I come back, BS is telling Catherine that he pictures himself with her. He seems much more reassuring to her than Lindsay, eh? I mean, writing’s on the wall, peeps.

Catherine and BS share a long hug and I wonder if he’s telling her that he’s going to pick her and we just can’t hear it? Catherine says “I love you” and BS says “thank you for today.” Ouch. Catherine cries and BS sort of reassures her but it’s pretty unsatisfying. Catherine points out that it’s annoying how their relationship is pretty one-sided and she can’t get anything out of BS and how he doesn’t reciprocate her feelings. Um, yeah. This is yet another reason why this show is RIDICULOUS. What kind of relationship do you have if only one person is contractually allowed to express their feelings? Why do these people do this to themselves??

On the big morning, BS wakes up shirtless and rubs lotion on his nipples, and then leans on his balcony and considers his options.

Image

This is Sean’s thinking pose.

BS says he has searched his heart and made up his mind and knows – finally! – who he’s going to pick. Good, now Neil Lane can show up with his briefcase and untucked shirt and show BS his tacky rings. Neil Lane shows BS the usual crap: big, square rings with rose gold and yellow diamonds and other things that will look dated as hell in ten years – but I guess that’s not much of a concern since BS and his lady will most likely break up before any of these looks can go out of style. 

BS puts on his suit and fingers the ugly ring he chose and says he is about to “dedicate [his] life to this wonderful woman,” and he cries. Pull it together, BS.

Meanwhile, poor old Lindsay is putting on a silver dress and reflecting on how BS is her “everything.” Ugh, Lindsay. Stop. If I were on this show and in the final two, I would just say nothing. I’d be like, “Yeah, it’ll be cool if he proposes but I’ll be fine either way. No biggie.” That’s the way to go, I think.

Catherine is wearing a gold dress and freaking out. 

This is always the point in the show where I get nervous and awkward, even if I know who’s going to win, because I feel badly for the poor soul who’s going to get brutally dumped on national television. The awkwardness!! My stomach is actually in knots, you guys, and I hate that this train-wreck of a show has that power over me. Damn you, Chris Harrison!

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison asks four Bachelor rejects who they think is going to win and no one cares what they think. 

Kay, back to the action. Dramatic Thai string music plays and a single rose sits on a wooden thing – a rose holder? what is that thing? – anyway. BS is all teary eyed because he has to break up with Lindsay. He says he “didn’t plan on this.” Except, ya kinda did, right? By signing onto the show? Remember?

Lindsay’s SUV pulls up and I am seriously sooo nervous and whoa, Lindsay has an intense tattoo on her foot. How did I never notice that before? Cut to voiceover of Lindsay saying: “Today is the day I’m gonna get engaged.” STOPPPP. She says a lot of other stuff that is too painful to record here because we all know what’s coming, including that this process has helped her become a “mature, independent woman.” Yeesh.

BS gives Lindsay a speech that gets her hopes up and whyyyy is he doing this? She clearly thinks he’s going to propose. She’s all smiley and excited and it’s just horrible. I think when BS starts breathing heavily and looking down, she starts to cotton on to the fact that he’s not going to propose, and her face falls. He says he wants to give her his heart but he can’t because his heart is leading him somewhere else  and he was undecided until yesterday. Why did he need to tell her that? How is any of this helpful? Couldn’t he have pulled an Ali Fedotowski with Chris Lambton and sent her home before this? Finally, BS makes this whole exchange The Official Worst by telling Lindsay he loves her. Salt –> wound.

Lindsay says it’s okay and then BS starts crying and then she starts crying and her baby voice is suddenly gone. Whoa. Finally, she tells BS she is gonna go because this is her “nightmare,” and she says she’s happy for him but that she can’t imagine her life without him. Then she gives him a hug, which is big of her, and he walks her out. I like that she stops to take off her heels – fat lot of good they did her, huh? – and walks ahead of him. She’s pissed but you know? She’s handling herself well, I gotta give her credit. None of the Desiree whining and begging. None of the AshLee bitchiness. It’s pretty classy, all told. I mean, Bachelor Classy. But still.

Image

In her pensive limo, she says she feels like an idiot. Which, okay, yeah, I see that. Then she gets kinda mad and cries – understandable. But you know? She’s 24 – I feel like she has TIME to find a man and pop out babies or whatever. At least another year before she is too old to legally bear children in Missouri.

Chris Harrison emerges and gives BS a letter from Catherine, which says nice things about BS and is not actually dramatic at all, despite the cutaways and dramatic music. Blah, blah, Sean proposes and Catherine looks like she’s about to actually have a heart-attack and die, and then she says yes. Cue soaring music. They ride off on an elephant into the sunset. THE END.

Whew.

Okay, so I won’t be blogging the ATFR because, you know, I just won’t. I have to cook dinner for my actual husband who I have an actual marriage with and need to step away from this crazytown bullsh*t for a while. But I’ll be honest, I’ll be watching the ATFR as I cook. Not gonna lie about that. I’d never lie about that.

Welp, that’s a wrap, folks. Guess you won’t be hearing from me about Bachelor/ette related stuff until Desiree’s season – and no matter where I am, I will be blogging it, don’t you worry. Until then, who wants to take bets on how soon BS and Catherine will break up? I give them 6 months to a year. ROMANCE!!!

Advertisements

Bachelor Sean: The Women Tell All

Hoo boy – I’ve been looking forward to this one all week, you guys. I am particularly looking forward to watching AshLee rip Bachelor Sean (BS) a new one. The Tierra stuff is less interesting to me, but I’m not NOT looking forward to it. And the rest I might fast-forward over. Anyway, as is my custom, I will be blogging this in bullet format, because the WTA does not deserve real paragraphs. Here we go!

  • Chris Harrison asks the near-hysterical studio audience what they think about Sean (answer: woo!) and what they think about Sean with his shirt off (answer: wooo!). Chris Harrison also reminds us that this is the “most dramatic season of the Bachelor… EVER.” Since Chris Harrison says that every season, I guess that means it’s true? Like, by definition? 
  • They do a dumb stunt where C. Harrison and BS show up to ppl’s Bachelor viewing parties and I am fast forwarding over it because who cares.
  • It’s time to meet “the ladies!” I have already forgotten half of them existed, so this is a good reminder.
  • Lesley, who I dislike so very much, tries to sound smart by using words like “lessening” but actually sounds dumb.
  • The women agree that Tierra faked her medical conditions. Brooke (one of the ones who I forgot existed) suggests that the other ladies are just envious they didn’t think of faking injuries. Touche, Brooke.
  • Now the EVIL VILLAINESS Tierra comes out. Can I just say, I think Tierra is icky and a faker and I wouldn’t want to share an airport shuttle with her, but the level of hate against this lady is sort of ridick. It’s a SHOW. She’s a dumb, manipulative weirdo who played all of that up because she was on a show that rewards that type of behavior. None of these other biddies ever have to spend time with her again, and 99.9% of Bachelor viewers will never be forced to interact with her, so what is the big effing deal? I ask you.
  • Tierra says she “lights up in a room” and she “bring[s] joy” into every gathering, but the other ladies judged her and thus crushed her “light.” Humble. She also rambles and looks around the room as she speaks and I keep expecting her to talk about the Asian countries and the Iraq.
  • Tierra Palin (TP) also says stuff like: “I think, you know, Sean put in my mindset as well, as you know, Tierra, focus on the prize. At the end.” Is this English? I’m serious.
  • Chris Harrison asks TP if she regrets anything or wants to apologize to anything and she says no and the audience groans.
  • The ladies all tell Tierra why they hate her. Every woman lists all of the times Tierra ignored her. This takes a while. What’s baffling to me is that they all seem really HURT by Tierra being rude to them. Unclear why any of this matters, at all. I mean, not just Tierra’s behavior, but this show in general. But if I go down that rabbit hole, then things are gonna unravel on this blog pretty fast.
  • The first “Sean and I’s connection” is dropped. By Tierra. The part of my soul that is responsible for grammar is flaking away by the second.
  • Next Chris Harrison walks us through the “battle” between TP and AshLee in St. Croix. AshLee and Tierra argue about whether Tierra called AshLee a “liar” or whether she just said that AshLee lied, because there IS a distinction, you guys.
  • After much prodding from Chris Harrison, TP offers a lukewarm apology and no one seems satisfied.
  • TP then brings up that she won “Little Miss Nevada,” which explains a lot, doesn’t it?
  • Finally, TP tells the world that she is engaged. To be married. Whaaaa?! TP explains that she is marrying a dude that she dated before coming on the show. Actual quote from TP: “So, I did the Bachelor and thought, you know, I could find my love here, and as soon as I got back, we rekindled things, that it was in God’s favor then, that’s how it worked out.” God’s favor? Stop.
  • Chris Harrison claims that “no one has touched America’s heart quite like Sarah.” Because she has one arm, I guess?
  • Sarah comes and sits on the hot seat. I am tempted to fast forward over this because honestly, who cares? Sarah is boring and she and BS did not have any discernible spark, and the only reason we are talking about her is because she has one arm. This is like reverse racism, you guys.
  • Sarah uses the phrase “lone and behold.”
  • Desiree’s turn in the hot seat. Booo-ring. Bring Des’s white trash brother out here and then we’ll have some watchable TV.
  • Prediction: Des is going to be the next Bachelorette. She is talking all winsome and humble like a Bachelorette. This is happening. MARK MY WORDS.
  • Finally, AshLee’s up. They replay all the embarrassing sh*t she said over the course of the season and if I were AshLee, I would run out of the studio out of humiliation. HORRIBLE.
  • BS comes out and AshLee asks him what happened. He tells her that she was his frontrunner but that he couldn’t really have fun with her. Ouch. AshLee looks at him like she wants to rip off his skinny tie and strangle him with it. To her credit, she does not try to argue that she is, in fact, fun. Even AshLee knows she’s not fun.
  • AshLee asks why BS made her go through the rose ceremony if he knew he wanted to send her home, and BS says he was falling in love with her, but… he doesn’t really give her an answer. AshLee asks why BS didn’t come and check on her after he sent her home (which implies that the pensive SUV does not actually drive all the way back to America), since he is a gentleman. BS looks confused and sort of like he wants to say, “I didn’t come to check on you because I don’t like you.”
  • AshLee asks why BS told her in the fantasy suite that he had no feelings for the other two women. BS denies saying this. AshLee insists he did say this. Things get tense. I can’t tell if AshLee is lying or if BS is lying. I feel like probably AshLee? Just because she seems to be walking that border between crazy and non-crazy. But I’m not sure. AshLee revises her statement and claims that BS said that there was “nothing between” him and the other two women. Silence descends in the studio. AWWWWKWAAARD.
  • They go to commercial and things feel anticlimactic. I wanted AshLee to claw BS’s eyes out.
  • Oh, but wait – there’s BEHIND THE SCENES footage of their conversation, which continued during the commercial break. Here’s how it goes: BS: I didn’t say that. AshLee: Yes you did. BS: No, I didn’t. AshLee: Yes, you did.
  • This debate is never satisfactorily resolved.
  • During the bloopers, we learn that BS does not know how to open a bottle of wine. Which is not shocking.
  • BS uses the term “blessed” and “amazing” to describe his “journey.” Barftastic.
  • Time to look back on BS’s final two ladies, Catherine and Lindsay!
  • BS claims that he and Catherine have the same sense of humor, “which is a little out there, a little weird.” I’ve already discussed how there is literally nothing “weird” about BS, but I think it’s cute that he thinks he’s “quirky” and “out there.” I suspect that BS’s definition of “out there” humor involves pulling lame pranks with the help of TV producers. And by the way, anyone with a sense of humor that is actually “out there” would not describe their sense of humor as “out there.”
  • Meanwhile, re: Drunk Lindsay, Sean says he “can” picture being with her forever. But he’s not making super definitive statements about her. I liked when they replayed the footage of drunk Lindsay being drunk. I liked her so much better back then.

Okay, that’s all she wrote. Next week is the finale slash “live, three-hour Bachelor Event.” I can’t hardly wait.


Bachelor Sean, Ep. 9

FANTASY SUITES. That is all I have to say about what’s going down this week. Let’s waste no time in diving in to this week’s episode of THE BACHELOR (Season 17).

BS and the “ladies” are in Si Kao, Thailand. BS stands awkwardly on the edge of a boat and then later sits down, because, come on. BS tells us he is “crazy about” all three of his remaining women: Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee. To help work out his feelings about them, he takes a long walk in a tank top and then lies in a hammock with his sunglasses perched on his head.

BS reflects on all of his women. First, there’s Catherine, who BS claims is “weird, nerdy, and goofy,” and so is he. Except he is clearly the opposite of all of those things. Next, there’s AshLee. He says that his relationship with AshLee is “probably the strongest.” Whoa, whoa, whoa – is AshLee gonna win this thing? I’ve been predicting her elimination every single episode thusfar and it keeps not happening and now I’m getting nervous that crazy, adopted, weepy AshLee is gonna take this. Finally, there’s Drunk Lindsay. BS says, “[Drunk] Lindsay and I have this spark that has turned into this massive flame.” BS then reflects on Drunk Lindsay’s drunk wedding dress entrance on night one. We’ve come a long way, Drunk Lindsay. BS says that initially, he worried that she didn’t have “depth or maturity,” but she proved that she is so much deeper than he thought. Except, has she? Has she, really, BS?

She's really mature, you guys.

She’s really mature, you guys.

BS and Lindsay’s date is up first. They take a moto tuk-tuk thing to a market, and Lindsay concludes that it is not much like Missouri. A trenchant observation, Drunk Lindsay. BS and Lindsay try some food and BS, in typical fashion, decides to “test” Lindsay by seeing if she’ll eat a bug. In her eagerness to please BS, she eats a bug. He better marry her now.

BS says, and I quote: “I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage.” Maybe talk to seventeen year-old divorcee AshLee about the wisdom of that statement, BS.

After the market, they go to a beach and BS says he loves how they can have fun “no matter what [they] do,” i.e., go on elaborate dates in beautiful resorts that they do not pay for. BS also tells Lindsay that she is the “best friend that [he’s] been looking for.” Is that good or bad? I feel like it’s bad, right? Later, they feed monkeys and, given my own recent experiences with monkeys, I feel nervous for them. Live in Africa or Asia long enough, and the gloss comes off monkeys, you guys.

Meanwhile, Lindsay hasn’t told BS she loves him because she’s “scared of getting hurt.” But she says she doesn’t want to regret “not putting everything out there.” Which means she’s going to give it up in the Fantasy Suite, I think. At dinner, BS tells her he had “so much fun” with her and Lindsay says she is “so blessed.” BS asks her if she’d move to Dallas and – surprise! – she says yes. I mean, what else does this chick have going on that she can’t leave Wayensville, MO for? What was her “career” again? Retail associate?

During dinner, Lindsay is plucking up the nerve to tell BS that she loves him, and she starts off by reassuring him that she takes the whole thing “serious.” Grammar! After prattling on and spewing many platitudes, Lindsay is just. about. to. say. it when some Thai dancers come in and kill the vibe. BS says, somewhat creepily, “Will you dance like that for me later?” Apparently BS has a real traditional Thai dance fetish.

The dancers finally leave and BS gives Lindsay the Fantasy Suite card, which Lindsay reads extremely slowly, because words can be hard. Lindsay accepts the offer, and BS says in a voiceover that it’s possible that he and Lindsay will look back and realize that tonight was the night they decided to spend the rest of their lives together. Meanwhile, as he says this, sort of porn-y music is playing.

In the FS, Sean tells Lindsay, again, that she “could be [his] best friend,” which is what he wants. Then, after an extremely long and awkward pause punctuated by giggles and “ums,” Lindsay tells BS she loves him. He responds by smiling wanly and kissing her. Every girl’s dream! They smash their lips together a few times and oh, I don’t think Lindsay is going to win.

AshLee’s date is up next. She jogs up to meet him in ANOTHER crop top. Enough with the crop tops, AshLee. You were a young newlywed when they were last popular – time to let it go. BS and Ashlee take a boat and do that standing on the edge of the boat thing again. Ashlee says Sean is her “true love” and that she is “vulnerable,” and that she loves him “more than words can express.” No, we get it. Words are expressing it.

BS notes that Ashlee does not like to step outside of her comfort zone so he wants to challenge her. Of course. Today the challenge is to swim through a cave to get to their “own private beach.” Ashlee doesn’t look psyched. Because remember, you guys, she’s afraid of being abandoned? Because she was adopted? Did you guys forget that? Because that’s what happened. Just in case you forgot.

BS wants Ashlee to be able to let go of control because he wants his wife to be able to trust him. A good way to build trust, of course, is to set up artificial obstacles for your potential wife to overcome for the sake of a TV show. As Ashlee and BS go into the cave, she says she is “more vulnerable than [she’s] ever been in [her] life.” Except for that time she was abandoned. Eventually, BS and Ashlee make it out of the cave (surprise) and BS says that he loves feeling like Ashlee’s protector. Gross.

They emerge onto what BS refers to as a “pitcheresque” beach and Ashlee says the experience is “life-changing.” Oh, Ashlee. They stand in the water and make out. Ashlee says that no “two human beings” belong together more than she and BS do. Oh, Ashlee. Then she says “every part of [her] being wants to be engaged to Sean.” Oh, Ashlee.

They sit down to dinner and Ashlee frets about spending the night with BS. She says she’s not willing to “morally put [herself] out there” if BS is screwing two other women. Which, fair enough. But I think if I were on this show, I’d probably accept the FS card and then just not sleep with the lead, and I’d say something on camera like, “Yes, I accept this FS invitation, but no funny business, mister.” Just so everyone would be clear. Why doesn’t Ashlee do something like that?

After some meaningless dinner conversation about how awesome each of them is, BS pulls out a FS card and gives it to Ashlee. Moment of truth. BS says he wants Ashlee to feel “at ease” and that his ideal FS night would be to stay “up all night, talking.” I kinda believe BS, actually. Ashlee is convinced, apparently, and says yes. Ugh, I think she’s gonna win, you guys. She’s playing this pretty masterfully… Until she tells BS what kind of ring she likes and what size her finger is. CRINGE!! No she di’nt!!!

Ashlee says “this man has literally healed my broken heart.” Two things: 1) that’s not what literally means, and 2) please stop referring to BS as “this man.”

Time for BS’s date with Catherine. They take a junk boat out on the water and do the Titanic thing on the prow. It was only a matter of time until someone did the Titanic thing, let’s face facts. They drink two giant glasses of wine and Catherine tells BS he wants to see her as “serious,” not just silly. Catherine strikes me as quite young. Like, way too young for BS. He apparently worries about the same thing: he says he wonders if she’s ready to settle down in Dallas. And, if you’ll allow me a mini-rant, this is one of the many reasons why this show is ridick: because the relationships are not a two-way street. In Bachelor world, if you’re gonna “win Sean’s heart,” you have to be willing to move to Dallas. There’s no compromise or discussion of a possible middle ground or consideration of people’s careers or families or whatever. But in real life, unless you’re a mail-order bride, this is not how a marriage relationship works. There has to be give and take. A real person is not a prize to be won, and one person doesn’t make all the rules and set all the conditions (i.e., if Bachelor Sean and the undersigned enter into a promise of marriage, the undersigned shall move to Dallas). But the entire premise of the show is built on this goofy idea of competing for one person and, in the process, bending one’s entire personality and life goals to meet that other person’s desires. It’s pretty sick, really.

Anyway, back to this nonsense. Catherine tells BS she would be willing to leave Seattle because she’s tired of it, and she’s pissed at her family. Which are both great reasons to get married and move away. BS asks her what makes her ready for marriage, and she answers that she was in a long term relationship with someone and thought she was ready  for commitment until she got scared, and then she understood that she wasn’t scared. BS does not seem super reassured, but he says that his mind has been “put at ease.”

BS and Catherine go snorkeling and then make out in the rain and Catherine says it’s romantic but it’s actually the opposite of romantic. At this angle, BS can be seen to be actually licking Catherine’s face. Can we get Arie in here to give him a refresher course?

They go to dinner and BS asks where Catherine would see them in five years. She said “we would obviously be married” and they’d probably have a kid. She says that she’s “pretty traditional,” despite being “the weirdest person.” What exactly is weird about her, again? That she has a nose ring?

BS tells Catherine that he could see himself marrying her, but I am not so sure. I am kinda feeling like Catherine might get eliminated this week, based on BS’s facial expression alone as she talks. Catherine gives BS a long spiel about how she didn’t want to accept the FS card because she wanted to be perceived as a lady, but now she realizes it’s not about that, it’s about spending time alone. (Naked.) Actually, this is the first season of the Bach in recent memory where the ladies have expressed any misgivings at all about accepting the FS card, which is sort of admirable, I guess? Except they all end up doing it anyway. Although, who knows, BS strikes me as a man of his word and maybe he’s not actually banging these ladies. Except then Catherine says that “being intimate tonight is very important.” Ew.

Catherine tells BS she is self-conscious about her body because she felt chubby for most of her life. Ugh, Catherine, come off it. You already have a sad dad and dead friend story. You don’t need to pile on with an eating disorder story, too.

The next day, BS wakes up, shirtless, and knows who he needs to send home. Chris Harrison and BS meet for a chat and Chris Harrison brings up, somewhat unnecessarily, how BS got his own heart broken by Emily in Curacao. Seems so long ago, doesn’t it, folks? BS tells Chris Harrison how hard it’s going to be to send this mystery lady home. Polygamy is hard, eh, Sean? To make matters worse, BS has to watch a “private video message” from each woman. Private, except that we also get to watch them. This reminds me of how before Al and I got engaged, I made him a video message and he had to watch it in a resort and then decide if he really did want to marry me. Because that’s a normal step in any relationship.

BS’s expression as he watches Lindsay’s bland video message is unreadable. At first he smiles, then he swallows nervously, and then he smiles again. During Catherine’s message, he looks serious, but smiles at the end. During AshLee’s message, which, shockingly, involves references to her difficult past and tears, BS wavers between a frown and a smile. Then Ashlee starts really crying on camera and BS goes into full-on frown. Ashlee, pull it together, woman. She seriously seems emotionally unstable, you guys. This behavior is not normal. Now BS is really frowning. Oh, whoa, is he gonna send Ashlee home?? Stop playing with us with these expressions, BS!!!

Rain falls on the day of the rose ceremony. I am suddenly overtaken by a craving for Thai food. I could really go for some pad see ew right now, you know? Anyway. Sean walks out and compliments the women on how they look and says he has an “amazing” week and that he is “so blessed.” Yadda yadda yadda. Then, oddly, he brings up the “painful memories” of being sent home by Emily in Curacao. I feel like he should be over that by now, but okay.

BS picks up the first rose and gives it to… Lindsay.

And the second, and final, rose goes to… Catherine!!

Ho, sh*t!!! I really did not see that coming. You GUYS. He’s sending Ashlee home!! Oh noooz! I feel sorry for her, because she said all that stuff! BS tries to walk her out but she storms ahead of him. Oh, man. Ohhh man. She tells him to stay put and she walks to the car. Her anger is sort of scary and for a sec I think she’s gonna hit him. He tells her that he felt that their relationship was intense but… he doesn’t really explain what went wrong. He tells her he hopes she knows where he’s coming from, but I kinda don’t? Did some bad stuff go down in the FS? To her credit, Ashlee doesn’t say anything and just gets in the pensive SUV. It’s always painful when they beg and plead. In the pensive SUV, Ashlee says that this “wasn’t a silly game” to her and it wasn’t about “laughter and having fun,” which, to be honest, is probably why she’s being sent home.

This is not about laughter.

This is not about laughter.

Well. What a dramatic conclusion to this episode. Next week is Women Tell All, which is always pretty fun. Then, in two weeks, “Sean’s journey to find love comes to a dramatic end.” Which kinda makes it sound like he dies, but probably not. I am sort of dismayed with  his final two ladies. First, they’re both WAY young (24 and 25, I think). Lindsay is as bland as a piece of dry toast, except when she’s drunk, and Catherine, I suspect, has hidden (or not so hidden) baggage, what with the Sad Dad and the Eating Disorder and the Disapproving Asian Family and all. So we’ll see how this resolves itself. Until next week!


Bachelor Sean, Episode 6

I know we just did this last night, but we’re doing it AGAIN, y’all – it’s a Bachelor double-header. For some reason! No one knows why! To be honest, I’m not sure if I’m going to make it through this episode alive (two Bachelors in 24 hours has never been attempted before), but I’ve decided that I’m willing to die blogging the Bachelor. This is my legacy.

Catherine gets the first one-on-one date, which involves going to go “play on a glacier.” Um. Worst Date Ever? Also, does BS have a license to drive that snowbus? Does the Canadian government know about this? BS says Catherine “passed the blizzard test.” Which makes me grateful my Canadian husband never gave me a blizzard test. Because I would have failed. 

After the glaciar, C and BS take a horse-drawn carriage (bluh) to an ice castle. Okay, yeah, this is officially the Worst Date Ever. Catherine does a good job pretending the ice castle is awesome, but let’s be real – it’s a giant block of ice with a couch inside of it. BS asks C what he doesn’t know about her and she tells him about how when she was at summer camp, her friend was killed by a falling tree and that this experience taught her that she wanted to get married and have a family. 1 + 2 = 7. Is it just me or do all of the contestants on this show inevitably a) trot out their most depressing story to try to win points with the lead, and b) somehow manage to connect said depressing story to their desire to get married to the lead? Like, what does seeing your friend getting killed by a tree have to do with wanting to marry some dude you meet on TV? This is like one-armed Sarah’s story about not being able to zip-line, and how that taught her she needed to marry a strong man in her life. What bugs me about this is that I’m pretty sure that men do not do this. It’s only the women who try to connect their traumatic/formative experiences to their desire to get married and have babies with a total stranger. Blarg!! 

Anyway, Catherine’s sad tree story earns her a rose and a frigid make out session with BS. No, seriously, it’s frigid: they’re in an ice castle. BS says that Catherine has “melted [his] heart” and I want to slap whatever producer gave him that line.

The group date this week is at Lake Louise and involves – again – canoeing. The “ladies” do not look pleased about this. Awful DC Lesley claims the spot in the canoe with BS, which is smart, but also, I would definitely hate her if I were on this show. I mean, hell, I hate her and I’m not on this show. Poor one-armed Sarah somehow manages to work the paddle with her stump and seriously, ABC? Every single date, this chick has to do something that really requires two arms.

Side note: you know what else I hate about this show? The ridick, old-timey, hackneyed gender roles that have to be reinforced at EVERY TURN. Por ejemplo: when Lesley stops paddling, BS says something about how she should just relax and let him “be a man back here.” Because ONLY MEN CAN PADDLE A CANOE. Ugh, why? This show!!!!

BS and the “ladies” make it to the other side and BS announces that they are going to do the Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge – in other words, they are going to jump into the deep end of a body of freezing water. Okay, I stand corrected, THIS is the Worst Date Ever. No, seriously, this date would kill me. I’d be dead. The end. Selma, who might be smarter than I gave her credit for, decides not to do the plunge. 

AshLee says she is going to do the plunge so she can be “emotionally vulnerable for Sean.” And also physically vulnerable to dying of hypothermia. Daniella says, “Sean better appreciate what I’m doing today.” Prediction: he won’t.

The ladies and BS jump in and scream and then run out again and look like spazzes all the while. I think Selma is regretting her decision not to do the plunge since all the other ladies are shrieking about how happy they are that they did it. Except for Tierra, who “can’t breathe.” She has a very dramatic way of showing she can’t breathe, writhing around and making faces and moaning. I’m sorry. I know this is supposed to be dramatic and scary but this lady is FAKING it.  It reminds me of this.

I mean, come on. Look at her.

Image

FAKER!

TP sits in a hotel room with an oxygen thing in her nose and eats a sandwich. BS comes to visit her and does he seriously not question at ALL why this woman manages to injure herself in every activity and then conveniently gets one-on-one time with him? Meanwhile, the rest of the ladies go to the post-date cocktail party and are relieved that TP is not joining them.

DC Lesley tells BS she “love[s] love” and BS tells her in response that he “appreciate[s] [her] so much.” Romantic? 

Then Sarah shows BS pictures of her family. She used to have a prosthesis, apparently, but she doesn’t explain why she doesn’t use it anymore, which is what I’m curious about. BS doesn’t seem super into Sarah, even though at this point she’s proved she can haul bales of hay, rollerskate, and canoe with one arm. 

Back in the hotel, TP is scheming. She has recovered from her fake hypothermia and is going to the cocktail party, gosh darn it. She sprays half a bottle of perfume on herself and heads out into the night. She shows up as the other ladies are taling crap about her and BS seems overjoyed to see her. DC Lesley says, quite accurately, that TP is “a professional at getting attention.” BS rewards her for her antics, again, by taking her aside and kissing her. He notes that her hands are “so warm” but she insists that her body is “still so cold.” Uh huh. BS asks her whether she’d want a proposal at the end of the show if they were to fall in love. Huh? Isn’t that the point of this entire sh*tshow? That someone gets proposed to at the end? If not, what are we all here for?

As TP and BS are talking, Drunk Lindsay sneaks in with two drinks in her hand. She will probably drink them both.

At the end of the party, BS says he appreciates all the women who “embraced today” and gives a special shout-out to Tierra, of all people. Then he gives the rose to Lesley. Lesley’s head is weird-shaped, by the way. It’s like halfway between an egg and a cone. It’s like one of those old L’eggs packages. With blonde hair.

BS has decided that he does not see a “forever” with one of the women and he needs to come clean to her. BS is breaking all the rules here, isn’t he? He asks to speak to Sarah – poor, one armed Sarah – and I feel sad for her. And is it just me, or does it kinda make it worse that he pulled her out in front of all the other women, rather than just letting her go during a rose ceremony, as usual? Why is this better? BS tells Sarah he doesn’t like her and she cries. Ugh, this is bad, you guys. While BS tells Sarah she’s “incredible,” she gives him what my husband calls a “frost grin.” I have patented the frost grin, but Sarah does a pretty good one. To her credit, Sarah handles the awkwardness of this situation well, at least until she’s alone and has a good ugly cry. Her pensive limo ride is pretty tough to watch, but then again, she’s like 25 years old, she’ll be fine. People get broken up with. It’s not the end of the world. I think we’re all just feeling bad for her because she got dumped on TV and she only has one arm.

BS and Desiree have a one-on-one date. As my cousin aptly pointed out to me in an email, Desiree is WAY pigeon-toed, so much so that it’s kinda painful to watch her walk. But at least she doesn’t have an egg-shaped head like Lesley, right? For their date, BS and D are rappelling down a mountain to have a picnic. Desiree calls it “propelling” down a mountain, but never mind. Some extremely Canadian guides show BS and D how to put on a harness and oh, the accents! D kinda freaks out as they are going down the rock face. I have done rappelling before and it actually can be nerve-wracking so I get why D is nervous about it. Desiree says “rappelling down the mountain is seriously like a relationship.” No, Desiree. No. 

It’s unclear whether D and BS actually went down the whole mountain or just a piece of rock, but I think more the latter. Anyway, they go to a picnic and Desiree talks with her mouth full, which is refreshing. But then she always does this weird thing with her face where it looks like she’s about to cry, and it makes me uncomfortable. After eating, BS and D decide to “spontaneously” climb a tree. Ugh, please.

For dinner, BS dons a very distracting cardigan that is toeing the line between ironic and sad, and he takes D to a teepee. Desiree scrunches her face up and I haaaate it! They talk about their backgrounds and Desiree tells BS about growing up poor and living in a tent (?!) and says, “I think that’s why I’m so humble.” This is almost as bad as saying “I have the biggest heart.” But not quite. Desiree then tells BS she wants someone “assertive” who can “take care of a family.” He says, “That’s what I want my wife to want.” These sentiments on their own are innocuous, I guess, but something about the overall treatment of gender on this show makes these statements seem super icky to me. Also, shouldn’t BS want his wife to want him, rather than some archetype of an assertive man, or whatever? Or maybe I’m over-thinking this.

Final cocktail party. Selma realizes she is at a disadvantage for not doing the polar plunge and for not kissing BS. So she decides to compromise her “values” and kiss BS. Which kiiinda makes me think the whole values thing was a load of crap? The kiss looks underwhelming and afterwards, BS says, “Thank you.” Oof. Selma says this was a “huge shame to her family” but I actually think her boobs have already shamed her family, so it’s fine.

Drunk Lindsay then tells BS she’s not going to kiss him (ugh, tired of this already) and wow, she really is drunk tonight. Then she tells him she sleeps naked. Aw, old Drunk Lindsay is back! It’s just like old times.

AshLee gives BS a blindfold and says it represents something about her relinquishing control, but there are lots of words and I don’t really follow. Anyway, BS blindfolds her and then carries her somewhere else and then kisses her with the blindfold on. It’s all very strange. I get that it’s supposed to be some kind of metaphor but it’s not working for me. Afterwards, AshLee says she sees her “whole future lined up now.” Whoa, nelly.

Okay, finally, time for the rose ceremony. There are only THREE roses to hand out. Which means TWO women are going home. Roses go to: 1) Drunk Lindsay, 2) AshLee, and 3) Tierra frickin’ Palin. WHY, Sean? WHYYY? So Daniella, Selma, and Selma’s boobs are headed home this evening. Daniella had to have seen that coming, right? She talked to BS like ONE TIME. I’m not sure he’d be able to pick her out of a line-up. And I guess Selma’s last minute kiss gambit didn’t work out for her so well. She seems pretty composed, though. I think Selma was playing a higher-level game the whole time, anyway. Daniella, though, is drunk and weepy. She says she is “keeping a straight face,” but actually, she’s crying and making kind of a weird, non-straight face. 

BS tells the other women that “you six are the six for me.” This is one of those polygamist moments I’m talking about! He then tells them they’re heading to St. Croix and everyone squeals. Yippee.

Well, guys, we made it. I didn’t know if we were gonna make it, but we did. And now I need a full week’s rest from this mess before BS and his “ladies” go to a generic tropical resort which one of the women will inevitably refer to as “paradise.” See you next week.


Bachelor Sean, Episode 5

Hoo boy, the preview for today’s episode looks juice-ay. And I can’t wait until tomorrow night for ANOTHER drama-filled evening with BS and his harem of idiots. But let’s take things one step at a time, shall we?

This week, we’re down to ONLY ELEVEN “ladies.” Chris Harrison makes an exciting announcement: the “ladies” will be embarking on a “worldwide journey to find love with Sean, starting in Montana, where the date cards will be waiting, “as will Sean.”

Incongruous Scottish music plays as Sean flies over Montana in a tiny water plane. Sean says he and the women will be “roughing it outdoors.” Right.

Daniella, the poor, deluded thing, says excitedly as she arrives in Whitefish, Montana, “I get to see my boyfriend!” Honestly, when she said that, I was like, ho, sh*t, she has a boyfriend in Montana?? Do the producers know? And then I realized she was talking about Sean. Bless her heart.

Drunk Lindsay gets the one-on-one date and hey, guess what form of transport they take to their date at Glaciar National Park? A HELICOPTER. Which is UNPRECEDENTED. Dramatic music plays as it lifts off and the other women glare at it from the lodge. Desiree, a deep thinker, says that although they are excited for Lindsay, they all want the same guy, so actually, they want her to go home. 

Lindsay says she has “never felt so close to someone before in such a little amount of time” (i.e., approximately ten minutes total conversation time). BS and Lindsay start off the date by pecking each other repeatedly on the lips. Guess those kissing lessons from Arie really haven’t sunk in yet. Unclear what BS and Lindsay did all day, because the camera jumps straight to a dark, romantic lodge where BS and Lindsay are curled on a couch. L talks about her life as an army brat. She didn’t like it, apparently. BS concludes that this means L is seeking “security and a family.” BS tells L she is going to be “such an incredible wife” and gives her the rose. You know, sometimes, when BS talks, it sounds vaguely polygamist. Such AN incredible wife? Of how many wives, Sean?

To end their date, BS and L go to see Sarah Darling (who?) perform. They do that thing where they slow dance awkwardly on a raised platform in the middle of a crowd, who, incidentally, seem completely uninterested in BS and L and actually like they kinda wish they weren’t blocking their view of Sarah Darling. Lindsay concludes that BS is “so classy and good looking on the eyes.” Oh, Drunk Lindsay. I still kinda like you.

Time for the group date. Selma is wearing a crazy-town turban-slash-ear-muffs creation and insists on calling BS, again, her “Prince Charming.” They go to a field where there are some goats and someone asks, “Are those dogs?” SIGH. Chris Harrison explains their date will involve chopping a log and milking a goat and then drinking the goat’s milk, among other things. Poor one-armed Sarah is really getting a raw deal on these physical challenge dates, eh?

Image

 

The stakes are high on this date. The losing team is going BACK TO THE LODGE. Not surprisingly, the “ladies” are all terrible at every physical obstacle but are particularly canoeing-challenged. But actually, to be fair, they really do suck at everything. Long story short, the red team (Selma, Desiree, Sarah, Robyn) wins. The blue team is sent home, but then BS makes a radical departure from the Rules of The Bachelor and informs the losers that they will also be allowed to participate in the group date with BS. Red team is PISSED. But they have to pretend not to be pissed, which is hard for them. Daniella predicts that the girls are “literally going to die” when the blue team shows back up at the party. They are LITERALLY going to DIE, you guys. 

Meanwhile, Tierra Palin is angry with this whole situation and decides she needs to “go find Sean.” Oh, brother. She creeps up behind BS as he’s doing an interview and it’s prettttty weird. She puts her hands over his eyes (btw – is that ever cute? or is it always just annoying and creepy?) and when he turns around he acts happy to see her. She asks why she’s getting a two-on-one date and explains to him that she’s very sensitive and feels insulted by the two-on-one date. It’s awkward. But in the end, it seems to work, because BS is dumb.

AshLee tells BS that this is “like a fairy tale” for her and that she “adores” him and that she feels a “soul connection” and he smiles stupidly at her. AshLee says she feels “protected” with BS and she’s – wait for it – falling in love with him. 

While BS is canoodling with Catherine, Daniella has a mini-breakdown because BS may or may not know her name. She gets all weepy with BS and it’s pretty pathetic. Then they make out and the mouth noises are so loud, it’s horrible, and my Asperger’s is kicking in and I’m covering my ears and curling into a ball. When it mercifully ends, Daniella has spit on her face. In the end, things really work out for Daniella and she gets a rose, because we all know how BS loves to reward these people for acting like idiots. 

OMG, time for the Dreaded Two-on-One Date with Tierra Palin and Jackie. Tierra is already referring to BS as her “husband,” which bodes well for how insane this date might get. BS says he wants to know different things about each woman. With Jackie, he wants to know if she can be his “best friend.” With Tierra, he wants to know her felony record and psychiatric history. 

The girls and BS go horseback riding at a ranch. Tierra Palin (TP) says that “Jackie does not know that she is on a date with me and my husband.” Ugh, you guys, is she serious with this right now? TP and BS leave Jackie in the dust because Jackie’s horse is lazy. Then, all three sit down and drink some mid-day wine and BS and Jackie talk privately. Jackie takes this opportunity to warn BS off from TP. She tattles that TP was flirting with a cute guy at the airport. Gasp!!!! 

Later, they go to dinner and sit at a table with three settings. There is a lot of super awkward silence and loud swallowing of wine. Then BS asks to speak to TP alone. She tells him, and this is an actual quote from her mouth: “I get scared because I have the biggest heart, I honestly do.” Um, is that something you can say about yourself? That you have “the biggest heart?” I feel like there might be a law against that.

Then TP opens up about her past, saying she was with a guy for 5 years who was in and out of “rehabs,” plural, and she stuck by his side no matter what because she’s such a saint, and then he died. Whoa. She says this is why she’s “so afraid of getting close to someone.” I call bullshit, you guys.

At the end of the date, BS tells Jackie that their relationship has been “slower to develop,” whereas with Tierra, he has felt “something special” since the first night. He tells TP he appreciates her opening up and gives her the EFFING rose. Oh, Lawd! Grant me strength because this man is so stupid. Jackie cries in her pensive limo ride. Meanwhile, TP cuddles with BS as fireworks go off.

Final cocktail party. Desiree and BS have sort of a tense talk when she says he is “unpredictable” and BS asks, why, just because he kept Tierra? (Duh, BS). And Desiree hems and haws and she says she doesn’t know what he really wants or where she stands.  After this convo, BS says he doesn’t feel good about where he is with Desiree. But I guess he feels great about where things are with Insane-in-the-Membrane Palin.

Speaking of, trouble is brewing among TP and the other ladies. She gets up and storms off dramatically to sit by herself at the fire. Robyn, who, to her credit, has hated TP from the start, is having none of it. She confronts TP and tells her that the rest of the girls are “confused” by her behavior. TP responds that she is not about to “get threa’ened” and that she “doesn’t care” and if she wants to go get engaged, she can go get engaged, because there are “plenty of f***ing guys in the world.” Which is exactly what I said before I met Al. AND I WAS RIGHT.

Side note: Tierra is a Scorpio. Dammit, Tierra. Stop making us look bad.

Coincidentally, BS walks in while TP is bitching about something and BS wonders if it’s because the other girls are “picking on her.” To “get to the bottom of it,” he asks to speak to TP alone. TP tells BS “all of the girls” are “attacking” her and that she doesn’t “deserve to go through this at all.” She says it’s frustrating because she is “such a nice girl and nobody gives [her] credit here.” No one ever accused Tierra of being modest, did they?

BS later asks Lesley what he needs to know about Tierra. Lesley says that TP acts “cold” around the other women. I’m wondering, why aren’t any of these ladies just saying what we’re all thinking, which is that TP is a crazy a**hole who falls down the stairs on purpose and needs to go home to Alaska or wherever she came from? 

Rose ceremony! BS tells the ladies that this week has been “turbulent” for him and that he is “leaving this week with more questions.” Okay, whatever, get on with it, BS. Roses go to Selma, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee, Sarah, and, finally, Desiree. That means Robyn is going home. He tells her “best of luck” (ouch) and puts her in her pensive limo. As she drives off, BS says that he had high hopes but now those hopes aren’t so high, which is a tongue-twister, eh?

That’s all for tonight. Looks like Tierra is going to fake yet another grievous injury next week. They’re really blowing the fake paramedics budget this season, huh? See you tomorrow(ish)!


Bachelor, Episode 4

I am blogging the Bach two days late and several dollars short. I’m totally exhausted and not completely in the mood to blog this mess, but, hey, when am I in the mood to blog The Bach? It’s an exhausting enterprise.

Well, enough beating around the bush, let’s begin… with Sean, shirtless. Actually, they are stepping up the Sean nakedness tonight – now he’s not just shirtless, he’s walking around in boxer-briefs. At this rate, next week he’s only going to be wearing a strategically placed sock.

First date goes to Selma, whose lips annoy me. She brings up how she wants to “have babies” with Sean. Ugh. Selma makes the odd choice of wearing a boob-popping wife beater and yoga pants on her date. Hmm. Then, apropos of nothing, she brings up her weight on her date. (Also, 110? Please. Those boobs alone weigh a quarter of that.)  Selma and BS are picked up for their date in a private jet and Selma is talking in a baby voice and I don’t know how I am going to make it through this date, you guys. 

The date is in a desert and Selma is NOT happy about it. They drive to Joshua Tree National Park, where BS plans on “testing” Selma to see if she can handle being outdoorsy. Let me take a wild stab at this and say that she cannot, in fact, handle this. They walk ten feet into the park and Selma is already whining. Oh, Lord, make it stop. Sean tells Selma they are rock climbing, and Selma barely conceals her intense displeasure at this. Oh, and guess what, guys, she hates the heat AND heights. The rock climbing, to be fair, looks intense, and Selma does a surprisingly good job. She says that Sean “gave her this adrenaline.” During the climbing, she keeps calling Sean “baby.” Barfffff. 

At dinner, Selma’s baby voice goes into overdrive and she seems sort of drunkity-drunk. To wit: she conducts most of the conversation half-lying in Sean’s lap. She asks BS about his last relationship and he tells Selma he had one serious gf out of college and he broke up with her because he didn’t want to marry her. Then Selma talks about her family, who are “Arabic.” Seriously? She calls herself “Arabic?” She also pronounces Iraq “eye-RACK,” so… Selma reveals to the camera that because of her background, she doesn’t want to kiss BS on national TV. But her boobs have no qualms about their national TV debut, apparently. BS tells Selma he wants to kiss her and she whispers that she can’t, and it’s crazily awkward. Like, insane levels of awkward up in hurr. Selma tells BS that her mother is not happy with her decision to come on The Bach, and BS says he understands. In a way, I kinda respect Selma a lot more for holding off on kissing Sean until she’s his “only lady.” I mean, good for you, Selma. You have an annoying sexy baby voice but at least you’re not going to have any regrets when you inevitably get sent home. In any case, BS gives her a rose at the end of the date, so her coyness is paying off already!

Group date! They’re doing roller derby. Long story short, they’re all spazzes and there is lots of falling and sad faces. I do feel bad for Sarah, the one-armed girl, because her balance isn’t good and it’s a lot harder to get up from a fall when you only have one arm. Which begs the question, why would BS send her on this date? God, the Bachelor can be so sadistic. One of the other girls tells Sarah she is a “strong person” and therefore should be able to do everything all the other girls can do, which is a nice sentiment but might not actually be true since she only has ONE ARM. Meanwhile, Amanda pretends to be a roller derby expert and then goes down like a ton of bricks and hits her jaw on the ground. Good one, Amanda. The ABC paramedics (paid actors) show up, as usual, and Amanda is taken to the hospital (sound stage). Given the grievous injury, BS calls off the roller derby and the date turns into a free skate, which is way more fun, let’s be real. 

At the cocktail party, Amanda shows up and I guess her jaw wasn’t broken after all? Nevertheless, she complains to BS about how much it hurts. So I guess the new strategy on this season is to fake injuries to get attention. Hopefully the stakes will get higher and higher until some girl self-immolates in order to secure a hometown date.

The girls are starting to snipe at each other. Tierra and Robyn hate each other and get in a fight about nothing. Then Tierra decides she is going to leave, and stages a very dramatic temper tantrum wherein she says she can’t handle the “drama.” She also says she’s “breaking down inside and holding it all in.” Except by holding it all in, she means letting it all out. Then Tierra intercepts Bs while he’s about to hop into the hot tub with poor, drunk Lindsay. Tierra whines and cries to BS and tells him that being with the other women is “torture.” BS convinces her to stay, because he’s a dummy. Seriously, BS, can I speak for the whole of America (and South Africa) when I ask you to please send this stupid b***h home? Not only does BS convince her to stay, though, he gives her a ROSE. Ugh, he is the dumbest — I can’t believe her tantrum WORKED. 

Now it’s time for Leslie H.’s one-on-one date with Sean. To clarify, this is black, poker dealer, non-DC Leslie. She’s the lucky one this season to get the coveted Pretty Woman date. As BS points out, it’s “every girl’s dream” to pretend to be a prostitute with a wealthy suitor who buys her stuff. They go to Badgley Mischka and Leslie gets to try on dresses. I like Leslie – she seems fun – but BS seems rather underwhelmed by her. They go to Neil Lane and, as we all know, Sean and Neil are already acquainted. Neil gives Leslie a very diamond-y necklace to wear. I’m assuming she doesn’t get to keep the diamond earrings or the necklace, right? Because if she does, I might need to sign up for the Bach next season. Don’t worry, Al – I’ll pull a Selma and tell the Bach I can’t kiss him because I’m Arabic. 

Image

BS and Leslie go to dinner at a fancy place and BS reveals that she does, in fact, get to keep the earrings. BS says he is hoping that something will “click” at dinner. He asks her if she is normally slow to open up and she says yes. They both seem nervous. BS asks her about her past relationships and she tells him her whole relationship history. Then BS says sometimes people look good on paper but there’s something missing (HINT, Leslie, he means you). BS asks her what lessons she’d take from her parents in raising her own children, and she says her parents divorced when she was five. Awk.

BS says the connection with Leslie “just isn’t there.” Honestly, guys, I think he’s just not attracted to her, which is ridick, because she’s so cute! At the end of the date, BS picks up the rose and tells Leslie that the romantic connection he was hoping for never happened. Uh, is it really necessary for him to hold the rose as he rejects her? As he walks her out, Leslie asks if he really never saw any romance at all between them, and he says no. She then gives him back the necklace, which is uncomfortable, and then, as a parting shot, tells him to watch out for some of the girls because they are “not here for the right reasons,” which, as we all know, is the Cardinal Sin of Bachelor World. 

Since BS sent Leslie home before Ben Taylor (who?) could sing for them, Ben Taylor is forced to sing to an empty room, which is sad for him.

Final cocktail party time. Summary:

  • Tierra says “there needs to be less girls,” which is grammatically incorrect on at least two levels. 
  • Robyn tries out a bad pick-up line on Sean, which is based on her being black, and then they kiss. I don’t see this happening for Robyn, actually. But at least BS kissed a black girl. That has to be the first interracial kiss on The Bachelor, right? A momentous cultural milestone. God bless America.
  • Tierra stalks around with her rose in hand and all the girls glare at her. Then she and Amanda bond over their mutual villainy.
  • Tierra asks Robyn and Jackie to talk to “apologizes” for what happened the other night. Tierra’s version of apologizing includes reminding Robyn that she “attacked” Tierra first and that Robyn was “wrong” to “assume” that Tierra didn’t like her. Um. Worst apology ever? 
  • Tierra gets alone time with BS and all the girls gossip about her and call her “Tierrable,” which I like. Tierra tells BS she “hates drama” and that girls just have a hard time accepting her because she’s so “guarded.” Sean’s assessment is that Tierra is “emotional” and “passionate” and he knows she’s “here for the right reasons.” Sigh.
  • Catherine and Sean make out. 

Rose ceremony! Catherine gets first rose, whoa. Then: Desiree, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie (despite the fact that I’m pretty sure she and Sean have never actually spoken), AaaaAAnnnnd, Daniella. Which means Amanda is going home. Hoo boy. In her pensive limo ride, Amanda looks like a hot mess and cries and doesn’t say anything interesting. 

THE END. 

 


Bachelor Sean Ep. 3

Welcome to Episode 3 of this, the longest and perhaps – PERHAPS – most boring season of The Bachelor yet.  This episode, like all episodes, opens with a shirtless Sean working out in his Bowflex home gym. And you know what? I’m sick of it. Really. Don’t want to see it anymore. We GET it – he has several rows of abs and likes to do treadmill workouts. Nooooted.

Lesley M (DC) gets the first date. Ew. They go to the Hollywood Guinness Hall of Records or something and gawk at life size models of short people and fat people. Turns out Sean’s dad set a world record for driving the contiguous 48 states in 97 hours, which is certifiably crazy, if you stop and think about it.  BS and Lesley’s date revolves around trying to set the record for the longest onscreen kiss.  The record to beat is a measly three minutes, fifteen seconds. They start to kiss and watching it makes me feel uncomfortable and squicked out, and not just because I don’t like Lesley, but because I’m starting to think I don’t actually like this show.  Wait, no, that can’t be right.  It must just be Lesley.  Anyway, the whole thing is foul.  Representative quote from BS: “Lesley is a great kisser. She’s working her hands.”  Also, Sean is OFFICIALLY not moving his mouth during this kiss.  I think the Guiness guy even made a note of that in the record book.  When it’s over and they break the record, BS says it was “hot,” “passionate,” and that he “loved it.” Methinks he doth protest too much.

Image

At dinner, Lesley says that she was a “nerd” in high school. Aha, so she’s a self-loathing nerd! This explains a lot.  Then, following in the proud tradition of every Bachelor contestant on this season, Lesley talks about how her parents have a perfect marriage and are so in love and blah blah blah. Then she kisses BS and says afterwards, “How was that for taking control?” Why does she always have to follow every kiss with BS with a comment where she essentially narrates what she just did? (“I just kissed you.”) BS gives her a rose anyway. Before he gives it to her, she says “Ah yes, the elephant in the room.” She is the worst, right? Why does BS like her? He says she’s “so sexy, so smart, so funny.” Funny? … Her?

It’s time for the group date, in which the “ladies” are broken into two teams to play volleyball. They’re told that the winning team will get to hang out with BS while the other team will be sent home in tears.  Daniella says that this is “literally [her] worst nightmare.” Taryn says it’s “the most important game of [her] life,” because her “heart” is riding on it.  Hopefully the producers brought along ceremonial swords so that Taryn can commit hari kari in the event that she loses this most important of beach volleyball games.

Both teams suck at volleyball, but one sucks marginally less, and wins. Kristy, the model, cries because she “just wanted time with” BS.  Daniella says that “tonight could have been amazing,” because she wanted to show Sean her “romantic, serious side.” They go back to the house and Kristy continues to cry.  Then Leslie H. starts crying. Seriously?

Meanwhile, on the group date, Lindsay (Wedding Dress Girl!) gets some alone time with BS.  I’ve noticed that the less drunk Lindsay gets, the less I like her.  She tells BS that he’s “everything [she’s] looking for” and that she wants to be able to give him a look and have him know what she’s thinking.  So she wants him to be a psychic detective, basically.

Desiree irritates me, I’ve decided. She scrunches her face up too much and talks in an affected, babyish way and you all know how I feel about baby talk in grown women. She also claims she’s “spiritual.” Oh, stop.

Amanda, who is rapidly developing into one of the stock villainesses of this season, tells BS she will bring “such a light, airy, fun atmosphere” to their hypothetical relationship, despite acting like Vampira, Queen of the Vampires to all the other girls in the house. Desiree listens in on this convo and scrunches her face up in anger.  Desiree does NOT like Amanda.  And the feeling is very much mutual, you guys.

Kacie B., meanwhile, tasting blood in the water, decides to tell BS that drama is stirring between Desiree and Amanda, thinking this will give her an advantage with Sean, somehow.  Which is, quite obviously, stupid.  Kacie then gets BS alone and tries to place herself in the middle of the conflict between Desiree and Amanda but it’s unclear how she actually fits into that situation at all.  Here’s a snippet of verbatim dialogue between her and BS:

  • Kacie: I don’t feel like it’s my place, but at the same time, it’s going to come between us if I don’t say something.
  • BS: Mm hmm.
  • Kacie: I’ve been caught between a rock and a hard spot in the house, and um, it’s between two girls, and it’s been between Desiree and Amanda. Desiree has felt that there is something negative in Amanda that she needs to stay away from, but Desiree and I are friends, so it’s put me in the middle, cuz Desiree’s confided in me, but yet, I don’t want there to be – there was just different dynamics betwen the two, and I didn’t understand it at all, and I can’t be myself.

First of all, none of that makes sense.  Seriously, take a second and re-read what Kacie said. Straight up jibber-jabber.  Second of all, why did an experienced Bachelor franchise veteran like Kacie B think this would help bring her closer to Sean? Everyone knows the dudes always hate the tattle-tales in the house and love the crazy, backstabbing a**holes.  Come on, Kacie. Have you learned nothing from your eight previous appearances on The Bachelor?

BS looks perplexed when Kacie B is talking and then, quite reasonably, asks her why she is telling him this.  Kacie, after a long pause, in which we can see the gears turning frantically in her head, says she had to tell him (despite not WANTING to tell him, of course) what was going on because she is “stuck in the middle” and “hurt.” She insists, however, that she’s not a “drama person.” BS is clearly not buying it. He asks, “Why are you involving yourself?”  Kacie does not have a good answer.  In the end, BS tells Kacie to act like Kacie and not like a “crazy person.”  I think I’m falling a little bit in love with Sean right now, you guys.  When it comes time to give out the rose, BS gives it to Lindsay, and Kacie laughs in a really fake, creepy way.  Wow. Lady seems a bit unhinged, am I right?

Image

Next, AshLee, the professional organizer, gets a one-on-one date with BS.  BTW, can we question why she is constantly squinting at the camera like that? She’s doing the face that J-Lo does on the red carpet, which works for J-Lo on the red carpet, but doesn’t work in almost any other imaginable context.

As AshLee is getting ready for her date, Tierra takes a (staged) tumble down the stairs just as BS is walking in.  Convenient.  Tierra fakes a head injury and doesn’t respond to Sean’s questions, which Sean, drawing on his vast medical knowledge, determines means she has a concussion.  Even though I’m pretty sure ignoring someone while dramatically holding one’s head is not a recognized symptom of a concussion,  paramedics respect Sean’s esteemed medical opinion and come to take Tierra away to the hospital. But suddenly, Tierra beings to talk and says, “This is so stupid” and “I want to be left alone.”  I think AshLee is right on the money when she suggests that Tierra knows if she goes to the hospital the medical professionals are going to see that she has a serious case of the Fakes. The paramedics, who I’m sure LOVE being called to the Bachelor manse for no reason every season, advise Tierra, politely, that she’s a turd, and leave.  Sean comes over to talk to Tierra and offer her sympathy for her devastating injury, and she’s all smiles.

Finally, AshLee gets to go on her one-on-one date. BS says he wants to see if AshLee has “some kid in her,” which sounds like he wants to administer a crude pregnancy test. For their date, they go to an amusement park and let two young girls with chronic illnesses come along with them.  At the end of the day, they get treated to a private concert by The Eli Young Band, which BS is contractually obligated to refer to as his “favorite band.”

At dinner, AshLee takes the time to unburden herself and tell BS about her troubled past. AshLee tells BS she was abused by a foster family but then got adopted by a loving family, etc. and next thing you know, BS gets all weepy. Whoa, BS! Man tears!  Shades of Jake Pavelka over here! Except probably genuine.

At the end of the date, BS gives AshLee a rose and she says in an ITM that she’s “falling in love” with him and that she is contemplating spending the rest of her life with him, which may be just a tad premature. Then the Eli Young Band pops up again to play one of their hottest popular hits, which we are all familiar with. BS and AshLee make out while swaying back and forth.

Aaaand time for the final cocktail party, FINALLY.  In summary:

  • BS summons Sarah, the one-armed girl, outside.  She starts crying because she thinks she’s being sent home when a limo drives up… but, surprise, her dog is in the limo!  Um. Does it make me a bad person to suspect that BS is only doing this for Sarah because she has one arm?  Like, don’t other girls have dogs? And stuff? Is this a pity dog limo?
  • Tierra and BS talk and she claims her back hurts.  But she is interrupted by Desiree….
  • Who talks in a baby voice and kisses Sean. But then Tierra comes back and “steals” BS again…
  • Aaaand this keeps happening, and it’s incredibly boring.
  • General freaking out occurs over all the “stealing” of Sean that’s afoot.
  • Kacie B, poor haggard thing, knows she effed up on the group date and wants to make up for it, so she apologizes to BS and says she’s “ready to move forward.”  BS says that they took a couple steps backwards — and just before Kacie B can answer, they are interrupted by AshLee and Selma (who I think has had some serious lip injections, btw). Kacie B shoots daggers with her eyes. Drunk daggers.

Okay, rose ceremony time. Before he hands out the roses, BS asks to speak to Kacie alone.  He tells her that he has “way too much respect” for her to make her stand through another rose ceremony when he thinks they’re “better off as friends.”  Oh, dang. I knew this was gonna happen eventually but Kacie B really hastened her demise with that ill-conceived sh*t disturbing, didn’t she?  In her pensive limo ride, she says she has a great life and wants to find someone who can join her in it, but it’s “just not Sean right now.”  Or ever, Kacie B. Come on.

Back to the rose ceremony. Tierra gets the first rose, because Sean is an idiot. Then: Leslie H., Catherine, Daniella, Robyn, Selma, Sarah, Jackie, Amanda, aaaaand, finally, Desiree. So Kristi and Taryn are going home. Taryn says that she “would have loved to have been married, but that’s not my card.” Oh no, Taryn, you lost the most important volleyball match of your LIFE and now you’ll never get married. Way to doom yourself to a life of spinsterdom by missing that one spike.  Kristy says she wishes she would have fallen in love at the Bachelor manse because it would have been “a fairy tale.” And at this point, I’ve run out of energy to even make a joke there. Just make it yourself.

See you next week.


Bachelor Sean, Episode 2

The Bachelor wastes no time this week jumping into a shot of Bachelor Sean (BS) working out with no shirt — AGAIN.  I think even we heterosexual ladies are a little ab’d out by now, ABC. Enough already. After some close-ups of Sean rinsing his hair while staring pensively into space, we jump to footage of Chris Harrison reminding the ladies that BS is the “most sincere Bachelor” ever. Which is a really low bar.

The first one-on-one date goes to Sarah, the one-armed girl.  The other ladies have to pretend to be happy for her because she has one arm and they feel that they can’t be bitchy to her (yet). Guess what she gets picked up in for her date? A HELICOPTER.  Kacie B. is shocked by this, because she has never seen a helicopter before! Except for that other time she was on the Bachelor. Soaring music plays as the helicopter takes off. Sarah may have one arm but she has two butt cheeks and Sean finds one of them and puts his hand on it.

In another completely unprecedented Bachelor move, BS and Sarah go to the top of a tall building, where BS tells her they’ll be free-falling down to the ground (300 feet).  This should be surprising to no one.  It wouldn’t be a real Bachelor date if there weren’t some combo of helicopter, tall building, champagne, and the word “amazing.” But I’ll admit, this date is legit scary.  Sarah screams the entire way down, which is embarrassing for her.

For the dinner portion of their date, BS and Sarah drink wine and Sarah tells BS a story about how she wasn’t allowed to go zip-lining in Las Vegas because she was disabled.  She says the experience taught her that she needs a strong man in her life to help her handle those situations. Wait, what? That’s the lesson in that story? Sigh.

At dinner, Sean asks Sarah about her ex. She says they broke up because she wanted someone more spontaneous and adventurous. Which is the opposite of Sean, basically.  Right? I mean, at base, he seems like kind of a boring, nice guy. Speaking of boring, BS then takes Sarah to another roof to give her a rose and they share a boring, chemistry-free kiss. Nonetheless, Sarah says this is the most “amazing date of [her] entire life” and she feels like she’s falling in love with him. Oh, Lordy.

Group date time. The ladies say “wooo” a lot and clink mimosa glasses in a limo. Tierra establishes herself early on as kind of a brat, doing a series of snaps in the air and saying that she doesn’t want anyone getting in her way. [Legal notice to Tierra: only Beyonce may use snaps.  Please discontinue your use of all snaps and snap-related arm movements upon receipt of this notice.] The limo drives up to a “castle,” and, true to form, Selma describes Sean as “a Prince Charming.”  Not just “Prince Charming,” which would be bad enough.  It’s worth noting that this is the second time in recent Bachelor memory that someone has used the term “a Prince Charming.” Which implies: a) the existence of multiple Prince Charmings, plural, and b) that these women are morons.

For the group date, BS and the ladies act as cover models for Harlequin romance novels.  “Woo”s all around. Also, the ladies are turning against Tierra, who, I have to say, has soooort of a harsh face. Like, both in the sense that she has sort of a nasty look on her face, but also that it’s sort of weather-beaten. Is that mean? Meanwhile, Sean thinks Tierra is “sweet.” Which pretty much comes down to the fact that she laughs a lot and overpronounces words. 1 +1 = 2.

Oh my God, also, before I forget, can we talk about how Tierra has the same face as Sarah Palin? Once you see this, I promise you won’t be able to unsee it.

Image

Image

Image

Image

Spooky, eh?

Things that happen during the photo shoot: Diana rips Sean’s shirt off and pronounces the word ideal “i-dill;” DC Lesley (who sucks) kisses BS on the lips; Tierra gives a crazy evil eye to pretty much everyone in her immediate vicinity; Kristy uses the word “ecstatic” too many times then paws Sean like a tigress; Tierra uses the phrase “I’m here for Sean” and then speaks about herself in the third person.

Kristy, the professional model, wins the competition. Probably since it was a modeling competition. After, Sean takes the crestfallen ladies to a pool party. Kacie B, who is looking sort of bedraggled, says she wants to explore what she and BS have. Which, as far as I can tell, is nothing.

Meanwhile, BS is “connecting” with DC Lesley — horrible, horrible DC Lesley — who proves definitively that she is from DC by being really socially awkward. Which BS finds “cute,” since he has probably never met an awkward lady from DC before.  Sean needs to come hang out at a law firm cocktail party sometime; he’d find everyone adorable.

BS then cycles through the other ladies, but Lesley goes back for more. The other women are not psyched. Lesley takes charge and kisses BS for like five seconds and then says, “I just wanted to leave you with that.”  Then she adds, “Short and sweet, just like that.  Leave you wanting more.” Stop talking, Lesley.

Now it’s Kacie B.’s turn, who says she “never” expected to be back on the Bachelor again.  SO surprising, right guys? Given that she’s only been on two other Bachelor series so far.  Methinks Kacie B. is laboring under the delusion that the only way to date men is by going on TV shows.  What’s she gonna do if things don’t work out with Sean? Wait until Season 18 of the Bachelor rolls around? Unless she can get herself booked on Rock of Love IV in the meantime, that means she’s probably only going to go on one date next year.  Kacie B., understandably desperate for this to work out, asks Sean if he sees her as a friend and he says he wants to “explore whatever this is.”  Kacie B., who apparently speaks another language, interprets this comment as moving her from “friendzone to girlfriend zone.” Also, not to be judgmental, but she’s slurring her words like a drunk when she talks to the camera.

Catherine (graphic designer from Seattle) tells BS she’s vegan but she loves the beef. Ew. Is she taking over the inappropriately sexy Asian lady role on this season’s Bachelor? Remember the Cambodian woman on Jake’s season who said to him, in Cambodian, “Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime?” Because I do.

Anyway… Selma’s awful, huh?

Tierra finally gets some alone time with BS, who has noticed that she “looked bothered” after the photo shoot. Tierra gives him some crap line about how she’s “guarded” and outside of her comfort zone. She’s thisclose from using the term “protecting my heart.”  I can feel it. Sean reassures her that he likes her. Bluh bluh bluh.

Katie, the yoga instructor with 80s hair, seems like one of the more normal girls on the show because she feels uncomfortable. But like… is it fair to ask why she came on the show? At this point, Season 17 of the Bachelor, shouldn’t you have an idea of how this show goes? It probably shouldn’t come as a shock that there will be other women in the Bachelor manse and that they will most likely be terrible. But Katie seems really thrown off by the whole thing, so she goes to tell BS that she’s not adjusting well and that she wants to go home. Welp. There goes Katie.

At the end of the night, BS gives the rose to Kacie B. because it’s “not easy to go through this twice.” So this is explicitly a pity rose. Good for you, Kacie. Play to your strengths.

For BS’s next one-on-one date, he takes out Desiree for a date that’s arranged around a lame prank. While explaining the prank to BS, Chris Harrison uses the word “supposably.” The idea is that Desiree and BS go to an art gallery and one of the “priceless pieces of art” falls and Desiree is made to feel that it’s her fault. Exactly what every girl dreams of for her first date.

Long story short, the fake piece of art falls and shatters into a million pieces and the fake artist yells at Desiree. Then Sean comes in and saves the day. I get the sense that Desiree knew this was an act the whole time but she did a good job pretending to be a good sport. After that, they go back to Sean’s “place” (paid for by ABC) and eat dinner.  BS and Desiree trade stories of how “cute” their parents are and how ideal their marriages are. Maybe their parents should just get married to each other, then.  Skip the middle-man.

During the date, Desiree has this crazy look on her face like she’s about to cry, and it makes me nervous. Next thing you know, BS and Desiree are in a hot tub. Of course.  They speak entirely in cliches (BS: “Love to me means I cannot go another day without having you in my life and I want to spend forever with you.” Desiree: “If you love someone, you think about the future. You honestly always will think about the future.”).  Then Desiree concludes that they are “on the same page” about marriage. Well, that was easy.

BS gives her a rose and she pretends not to want to accept it because of the lame prank he played on her. Which in itself is kind of a lame prank. These two are made for each other. Afterwards, they make out in the hot tub and honestly, Sean does not move his mouth when he kisses. Did he learn NOTHING from Arie’s kissing lessons?

Final cocktail party. Sean talks to Lindsay (drunk wedding dress girl) alone and damn it if she doesn’t seem drunk again. Not as drunk. But still pretty drunk. She apologizes for her behavior last episode and Sean accepts. They have another cliched conversation about the importance of “marrying your best friend.” I liked Lindsay better when she was drunker. Sean, meanwhile, says he is “blown away” by Lindsay.

Other things that happen:

  • Amanda is being a weirdo and everyone is “uncomfortable” with her antisocial behavior. She sits on the couch glowering and not responding to the other women talking to her. The general consensus is that Amanda is “here for the wrong reasons.”
  • Robyn wants to know if Sean is attracted to black women.  She asks Sean what he likes and he says he doesn’t have a type and that his last girlfriend was black. Color me impressed, BS! No pun intended. Seriously.
  • Selma tries to teach Sean a phrase in Arabic that means “you’re very beautiful.”  We get it, you’re ethnic.

Rose ceremony time. Finally. This episode felt interminable. Roses go to: AshLee, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M. (DC), Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Lesley H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and Amanda. That means Diana (the Mormon with two kids) and Brooke (the third black girl) are going home. They both handle it surprisingly well, except Diana cries a little, which is silly.

NEXT WEEK on the Bachelor, someone falls down the stairs. Can’t wait!


Bachelor Sean takes the plunge

As you know, I recently purchased a Season Pass on iTunes to Season 17 of the Bachelor. I’m that person.  And I’m okay with that! Because it’s worth it to bring you recaps of this, the most fascinating/sad series on TV today: THE BACHELOR.  So, without further ado, here is my recap of episode 1, intermixed with some pithy observations from one of my friends, Malka, who took the time to send me some bullets on the first season on the assumption that I wouldn’t be able to watch it here in ZA. She is a true friend/reality enabler, that one!

Bachelor Sean (BS) is reintroduced to the world after his long absence from our TV screens since having his heartbroken by that harridan, Emily.  Sean is 29. Whoa. Isn’t that like 45 in evangelical Christian years?  Why is he not married? And why is he on a TV show?  Why, Sean? Why??

The gratuitous shirtless shots begin, and there are many. Too many to count.  Malka points out that “Sean does standard opening shots of musculature. But seems they’ve added an infomercial gym machine to the usual treadmill to give more nuanced muscle shots. But bicep curls? Come on.”

Meanwhile, we are given some background on Sean’s “relationship” with Emily.  Re-watching that awk stiff-armed kiss with her makes me think, again, that BS is definitely a virgin.  Which is fine! But I feel like he’s on the wrong series.  May I direct you here, kind sir.

Sean blabs on about his family and how perfect everyone’s marriage is.  He spends some time with his niece in a playhouse that is seriously nicer than my apartment.  Unfair.  Then he talks about his hypothetical wife as “my woman,” which is a bit off-putting.  Also, Sean wants us to know that he’s about to embark on “the most amazing journey ever.” Big talk, Sean. Big talk.

Next, BS cuts up some strawberries and awaits the arrival of his “good friend” Arie. He “doesn’t know the reason for the visit” (shyah, right), but guess what the reason is? So Arie can teach Sean about kissing.  Which is not creepy at all.  Arie’s main advice? “Come in with the hands.” No comment.  Side note: why did I used to think Arie was attractive? I feel like his face is weird now.  Maybe it’s the foul knowledge that he’s with Courtney that has tainted him forever in my mind.  Or maybe he’s just bloated.

Time to introduce the ladies!

Chris Harrison emerges from the lush foliage of the Bachelor manse and tells us that BS is “sincerely ready to find his wife,” despite the fact that he “truly felt that he found his soulmate” in Emily.  So let’s meet these b**ches.

  • Desiree, 26 y/o bridal stylist. She’s waiting for the person that “completes [her]” and wants “fireworks.” Yeesh. Am I right?
  • Tierra, 24, does something in Colorado, wasn’t paying attention.  Her voice is annoying. Also, does she know her name means “land?”  When she’s told the Bachelor is Sean, she freaks the eff out.  She is family-oriented. Also boob oriented, it seems.  But she’s cute, I guess.
  • Robin, 24 sales person from TX. A token black lady. Cute. Does awk shoeless dancing outside of an office building. She’s just the latest to uphold the proud Bachelor legacy of awkward solo dancing (see, e.g. Tenley, Ashley H.)
  • Diana, salon owner from Salt Lake City. Morm, I’m thinking. She says she’s 30 but ABC informs us she is 31. Ouch.  She has not one but TWO children.  Well, Sean DOES want kids, you guys.  She’s just getting a head start.
  • Sarah, 26, ad exec from LA.  She has one arm.  But she can ride a bike, cut a pepper and make an omelette, so she’s fine.
  • Ashley, hair stylist, 28, from Macomb MI.  She has no idea why she’s single! Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, she’s obsessed with Christian Grey from 50 Shades of Grey.
  • Lesley, 25, political consultant, DC.  She says she doesn’t like nerds or politicans. I can understand not liking politicians but nerds? How DARE you, madam.  And also, if those are your criteria, don’t live in DC then, dummy. She refers to herself as a “modern Southern belle.” I hate this woman.
  • Christy, 25, is a “Ford model,” which is “like, the number one modeling agency in the world.”  Her words, not mine.
  • AshLee F., 32, is a professional organizer. She’d be fun to live with!  She has a sad story about going through the foster system as a child.  But then she got adopted by a loving family when she was six and so things aren’t all bad.  BTW, I am sort of rooting for her because she’s 32. I gotta side with the old ladies. Solidarity.

Limo time!!

  • First out is AshLee F., the elderly organizer.  She is pretty and is wearing a very dramatic red dress. They exchange pleasantries but there are no real sparks.  Dammit, I want her to do well. Don’t eff this up, AshLee.
  • Jackie, 25, cosmetics consultant. She’s puts on lipstick and leaves a lip-print on BS’s cheek. Nice touch.
  • Selma, 29, real estate developer. They play vaguely Latin music when she walks out, I guess because she has brown hair and her name is Selma?  She takes out a handkerchief and wipes the lip-print off him. Oh, snap!
  • Lesley H, poker dealer. Shockingly, she is also African-American. This is unprecedented!  She tells Sean he is a “hunk” and says “holy Toledo,” which I kinda like.
  • Daniella 24, is a commercial casting associate, whatever the hell that means. She seems crazy and intense.  She teaches Sean a handshake that ends with a fist-bump. I see what she was trying to do there, but it didn’t end well.
  • Kelly, 28, cruise ship entertainer. Sings Sean painful, awk, country song.
  • Katie, 27, yoga instructor.  Underneath her mildly crazy 80s hair she is cute. I hope Sean can see that. Look past the hair, Sean.
  • Ashley, the bizarre 50 Shades of Grey girl from Michigan, walks out and tells Sean she wants him to teach her how to use a necktie that she pulls from her cleavage and waves suggestively in his face.  It’s horrible. Just horrible.  Sean looks like he wants to die.
  • Taryn, 30, health club manager.  Dimples. Blonde. Interesting braid hairdo. Otherwise unremarkable.
  • Catherine, 26, graphic designer. Sparkly dress! Vaguely Asian – might be too exotic for Sean.  Just sayin’.  From Seattle. She ALSO tells Sean he’s a “hunk.”
  • Robyn, the oilfield manager from TX/awk dancer, comes out and tries to do two backflips or backhandstands or something. She does one and then falls on her face. Poor thing. I’m dying for her. But why did she try that if she didn’t know she could nail it in a long, sparkly dress? I hope for her sake she gets a pity rose.
  • Lacey, 24, graduate student.  She brought Sean a lace heart. Yawn.
  • Paige, 25, is a Jumbotron operator. No, she’s not. Come on, really?  Oh wait — she was on Bachelor Pad 3, apparently.  Also, is she Canadian? She sounds Canadian. I’m confused. Moving on.
  • Tierra, 24, again. They hug and she is really enthusiastic and bubbly. She shows him a tattoo of an open heart on her finger and says it means her heart is open (barf). They stare at each other moonily for a second and then Sean tells her to wait and asks Chris Harrison if he can give her a rose. GAME CHANGER, guys.  THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.  Because normally the lead gets, like, 10 seconds more of conversation with each of these women. To give someone a rose without the benefit of those extra 10 seconds is just RECKLESS. Meanwhile, all the “ladies” flip out and shoot daggers at Tierra with their eyes as soon as she walks in carrying the rose.
  • Amanda, 26, is a “fit model.”  Is that the kind of model that doesn’t have her picture taken?  Like, a non-face model?
  • Keriann, 29, is an “entrepreneur.” She seems nice.
  • Desiree, the bridal stylist, comes out in a red dress. She brought pennies so that they can make a wish in the fountain together. I wonder how many misbegotten, tawdry wishes have gone into that gross Bachelor mansion fountain. Something to think about.
  • Sarah, 26, the one-armed girl comes out but makes no mention of her lack of arm.
  • Brooke, 25, is a community organizer. She’s also black!  What is this, three black ladies now? I am shocked by this!
  • Diana, 31, the salon owner and mother of two from Utah, looks like somebody famous. Miley Cyrus maybe?
  • Lesley, the one I hate, from DC, brings out a football so they can “run a play.”  Then he bends over and she pretends to ogle his butt. Good one, Lesley. NOT.
  • Kristy, 25, the Ford Model from Wisconsin, tries to be all sassy and Sean doesn’t seem to be buying it.  Dial it back, Kristy.
  • Ashley H, fashion model, 25, IS ALSO BLACK. Guess ABC finally got that whole “diversity” message.
  • Lauren, 27, is a journalist.  She says she’s Italian and she gives Sean a message from her dad: “If you break my heart, he’ll break your legs.” Oh, Mafia jokes! Always a crowd-pleaser.
  • CRAZY ASS LADY IN A WEDDING DRESS! Lindsay, 24, is a substitute teacher. Guess she can’t be trusted around the kids full-time. She gives Sean a full-on kiss on the mouth and she seems wasted out of her MIND. Seriously. WASTED.  Sean tells Chris Harrison that she seems “fun.”  I’ll say!

Image

Chris Harrison emerges to tell BS that there’s one more person who specifically called and wanted to meet him. The limo opens and it’s Kacie B.  Remember her, from Ben’s season? And Bachelor Pad? Man, she’s really become a Bachelor franchise bottom-feeder. Life choices, Kacie B. Life choices.  Also, she looks like a skeleton. Wasn’t she anorexic at some point? Ugh, Kacie B., you’re killing me here.

The other girls think it’s “unfair” that Kacie B. gets to be on the show. Of couuurse they do. Desiree: “She had her chance with Ben.” Right, because all of these men are interchangeable, and if you don’t marry one, you’re disqualified from all others. So go home, Kacie B., you’re done!  Kacie B., meanwhile, says if she doesn’t get a rose, she’ll be “shocked.” Apparently Sean and Kacie hung out before and Sean says he “viewed her as a friend.” Eek.

Desiree tells Sean that she wants to design wedding dresses. Midway through their convo, Sean gives her a rose.  Wow, he’s on fire tonight.  Then he gives ANOTHER rose to professional organizer AshLee.  Needless to say, ladies do not react well to this.  Then, complicating matters, the three women who have roses argue over whether Tierra’s rose was a “first impression rose” or just “the first rose.”  These are key distinctions.  Selma, Robin, and Jackie then get roses. And also Lesley (not awful DC Lesley, but black Lesley).

OMG, wedding dress girl (WDG) finally gets to talk to Sean one-on-one! I can’t wait! She’s slurring her words and stumbling and flipping her hair back and forth. I want her to win. She and Sean slow dance to no music and she asks him to sing to her.  He declines.  Then she asks him to give her a kiss and he asks if he can give her a kiss on the cheek.  This is terrible and I LOVE it.  WDG has second thoughts about showing up wasted in a wedding dress and wishes she could have a do-over.

Ashley (50 Shades of Grey nutbag) starts sexy-dancing in her long dress and the other girls gossip about her.  Which is fair.   Then she goes to talk to Sean and I am gritting my teeth in anticipation of how terrible it’s going to be.  She pulls the tie out of her cleavage again and Sean says he brought a “rape whistle in case I’m in trouble.” Sean’s had some zingers this episode, huh!  She falls coming back into the mansion. Oh boy.

Taryn starts crying because she hasn’t had any one-on-one time with BS.  Oh, jeez, Taryn.  You’re THIRTY YEARS OLD.  Show some dignity in your old age!  She says she doesn’t want to “fight over a guy.”  So, logically, she came on a show that requires her to compete for the affections of one man along with 20-some other women.

Sarah, the one with one arm, seems sweet.  She goes and talks to Sean and seems charmingly nervous.  She addresses the arm issue, which is good, because Sean gives her a rose.  Aw.  Malka: “Just because i’m going to hell anyway I’ll just point out the arm she’s missing is the left one, i.e., the engagement finger one. So just spoiler alert if we see any standard shots of the last episode [that she didn’t win.]” Clever!

Gosh, is it already time for the rose ceremony?  How these last 70 minutes have flown by!  Girls who get roses (apart from the ones he already gave roses to): Amanda (fit model), Lesley M. (the bad DC one), Kacie B (pity rose), Christy (“Ford model”), Daniella, Taryn (crying mess), and Lindsay (WEDDING DRESS GIRL). I am thrilled that WDG got a rose. She’s my favorite.

The rejects then take turns going up to hug Sean.  Malka notes that the notable exclusions are: “fan Paige, 50 Shades, cruise entertainer, and Black Emily (as always there’s like a handful of black women and otherwise all white. But anyway this one chick has a southern accent and has makeup that likens her to Emily).”

One of the rejects (the cruise ship entertainer) says, “I want to be in love, but is it worth feeling this way?”  Hi, you don’t have to go on TV and get rejected in front of millions of people to fall in love. That’s not a necessary pre-requisite. But maybe you’ll meet a nice man in the buffet line on the Romanian Princess or whatever your ship is called. Ahoy.

K, that’s it. Looking forward to next week!


Just kidding.

You know that thing I said about how TubeTopix was on hiatus? Well, I changed my mind. I’m bring TubeTopix back out of retirement to blog about The Bachelor, Season 17, featuring the handsome and dumb Sean Lowe.  So many people asked me if I was blogging it this season, and I kept saying no, no, I can’t get it in South Africa, and feeling sad about it.  Then I realized I could pay $14.99 for the whole season on iTunes. Is this a ridiculous thing to do? Maybe a little.  But I’m doing it for you guys.  You’re welcome.

Stay tuned for my (late) recap of S1, E1!